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Toss around ideas and brainstorm your story.

Can someone criticize this small excerpt?

9 months ago
It's still a rough draft. I just want to make sure it makes sense.

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You look into the dark purplish night. It's chiller than average for the summer, occasional winds rushing over you and cooling your skin. You think you made the moral choice, not sacrificing your only real "friend" for something that can be easily accomplished later.

"You know," you say, "You never really told me how you joined the brotherhood."

"Me?" Syth chuckles. "Grew up homeless. Used to take banana scraps off the garbage lids, lick off whatever residue was still on the inside of the peel. Mama told me to stay in this one location, you know, while she worked. A block. Busy street, but not too crowded. Easy for me to stay unnoticed. By most people, of course." He pauses.

"Used to walk whichever way the crowd was going, then turned back. Got really good at acting like I needed to get somewhere. Banged shoulders, glared at people moving too slow. Few business owners took an interest, surprisingly. One kid, standing around in a shop all day, all winter.. guess it attracts attention. Fingers used to look like red carrots when I took a break outside to avoid suspicion. Those business owners started giving me little bits of food, clothing. Leftovers. That's when mama came up and moved me to a new block."

He seems to be deep in thought.

"So how'd you, y'know, get in?" you inquire.

Can someone criticize this small excerpt?

9 months ago
Makes perfect sense. Just be sure to edit "chiller" into "chillier". I could see myself missing an error like that in revision.

Can someone criticize this small excerpt?

8 months ago
Looks good to me for what it is, although it's pretty short so I'd need a bit more story to give any kind of real feedback. Congrats on figuring out how dialogue punctuation works, most people need it explained.

Can someone criticize this small excerpt?

8 months ago

Use toilet paper.

Can someone criticize this small excerpt?

8 months ago

Pretty well written and makes sense. I like how most of the story is told through the conversation. Quite enjoyable to read too. 

Can someone criticize this small excerpt?

8 months ago
Too long. Didn't read.

Can someone criticize this small excerpt?

7 months ago
I liked it. well written.