Non-threaded

Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

Find proofreaders here, useful resources, and share opinions and advice on story crafting.

Hey.. I've been gone.

11 days ago
Commended by Mizal on 12/11/2025 1:19:45 AM

Hey guys, so I've been gone but I'd though I'd share this. 

 

The door creaks open, the faint light of my dining room hitting my face. My cat, Ash, rubs against my leg.

 

“Hey baby” I say, petting Ashes’ head. 

 

I walk into the dining room, shutting the door behind me. I put my work bag on the kitchen counter and put away my empty tupperware into the dishwasher and start it. 

 

“You hungry?” I asked Ash, who was sitting on the floor next to my leg.

 

She purred loudly, rubbing my legs as she walked to her food bowl. 

 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” I said with a slight smile. 

 

I take the bag of cat food and fill up her bowl, pet her head, and head upstairs. Once up stairs I get comfy and pull my soft PJ’s over my head.  I fall onto my soft, sinking bed and fall asleep quickly, my eyes drooping. 


 

                                                                   …

 

Cold, dark, the streetlights and the moon are the only thing lighting up the long street. My breath is heavy and ragged. I’m looking up at a window with a small, warm light. I walk around the house, my nails dragging on the side of the stucco wall. I face the backdoor where the kitchen is seen. I go to open the backdoor but it’s locked. I take a gift card and I slide it down the creak between the door, opening the door easily.

 

I walk into the house from the backdoor and softly close the door behind me. I walk up the stairs, stopping at every creak in the floorboards. I make it to the room of the same window I was looking at, and see that the warm light was the left on light of the closet. I see a girl. About 16 sleeping on her bed.

 

“How peaceful.” I think 

 

I take a small syringe out of my back pocket and insert the needle into the young girl's arm. I push in the clear liquid and then wait ten seconds. I take the syringe out of the thick skin and put it back in my pocket. I pick up the girl in my arms and walk downstairs, I open the door with my gloved hands and walk out of the backdoor. I close the door behind me and walk back into the front of the house.

 

I walk across the street to my house and open the front door. I shut and lock the door behind me and walk downstairs. I close the door of the basement and lay her down on the cold concrete floor. 

 

“She’ll be awake in a minute, I better go.”

 

I go up the stairs and as I walk through the basement door I hear her start to scream before I shut the door with a thud.  

 

                                                                   …

 

I lurch up from my bed in a cold sweat. I look around the familiar room around me.

 

“What kind of nightmare was that?”

 

I run my fingers through the top of my hair. I take a heavy breath and grip onto the bedsheets under me. I look at the clock and see the time, 6:32. 

 

“Ding dong”

 

I’m startled from the doorbell ringing and hurry downstairs. I open the door and see a police man in his late 30’s in front of my door. Behind him, I see numerous police cars parked in front of my neighbors house. The parents of the family that lives there are talking to a police officer who is writing down notes. The man is silently crying and staring out into space, while the woman is talking to the police officer furiously. 

 

“Hello Miss.” The police officer says, bringing my attention back to him. 

 

“Um, hello. How can I help you?” I say, focusing on the man in front of me.
 

“I’m Detective Botch with the Massachusetts State Police and I'm here to ask you some questions regarding what happened last night.” he said, hand on his belt.

 

“Um, I’m sorry, but what would that be? I wasn’t aware that anything had happened, I just woke up.” 

 

“16 year old Jamie Dawson was kidnapped last night with no signs of forced entry in the home. I have to ask a few questions to the neighbors as a part of standard protocol.” 

 

“16…”

 

“Of course sir, come on in. Can I get you anything to drink? I have coffee or water..” I said, opening the door and shutting it behind him. Ash tilted her head at the new visitor, but then at seeing my relaxed face, walked away to take a nap.

 

“I’m fine ma’m, thank you. Would you mind if I sat here?” He said, gesturing at the couch. 

 

“Not at all,” I said, “make yourself comfortable.” I sit down on a reclining chair across from the couch. 

 

He sits down on the couch and pulls out a small notepad and pen.

 

“I’m just gonna ask you a few questions and then I’ll be done here.” Detective Botch said

 

“Alright.” I said

 

“May I please have your name, address, and home/business phone numbers?” He asked

 

“Catherine Ruiz, 3853 3rd Cedar Ave, (413)-938-9174.” I replied

 

“What is your relationship to the victim or their family?” he asked

 

“I don’t know the victim and her mother gave me a welcome basket when I first moved here, but I’m not super good friends with any on them” I answered

 

“Right, when was the last time you saw them?” he asked.

 

“Yesterday, I saw her going into her car to drive to school yesterday morning.” I replied, rubbing my head.

 

He writes it down in his notepad “Have you seen anything out of the ordinary or unusual recently?” 

 

“Weirdest thing is my dreams.” I replied 

 

“Heh, right, and where were you last night?” He asks

 

“Last night? Like my alibi?” I ask

 

“We don’t assume you did it, it’s just standard questions.” He answered

 

“Right, um, I was home, I came home, I threw my dishes in the dishwasher, I fed the cat, and I went to bed.” I replied

 

“Okay. Are you aware of anyone who might want to harm them?”

 

“A 16 year old girl? No. No, I don't know who would do something like that to a kid.”

 

“Are there any cameras in this neighborhood or maybe in front of your house we could look at?” he asked

 

“No. I don’t have any cameras and I don’t know of any.” I answered 

 

“Did you see any vehicles on the street, parked in driveways or on the street?” He asked

 

“No, No, it was a completely normal night.” I answered 

 

“And one last question, have they been behaving weird or any changes in their schedule?” he asked

 

“No, there was no sign of anything weird.” I answered

 

“Okay and no pressure to say yes but do you mind if we search your house?” he asked

 

“For what? Do you think I would do this?” I said accusingly.

 

“No, it’s just something we like to ask if you’d be okay with.”

 

“Right, um,” I rub my forehead “yeah that’s fine.”

 

He stands up and I stand up shortly after him. I give him a small walk around, showing him the downstairs and upstairs. As I walk to the kitchen I walk past the door to the basement. 

 

“And what’s that door?” He asked

 

“The basement, I basically use it as like a storage room.” I answer 

 

“Right okay..”

 

After the tour is done we walk to the front door.

 

“Have a good day Miss, and tell me if anything happens.”

 

“Right, have a good day sir.” 

 

I close the door after he leaves and sink onto the floor, Ash taking his place on my lap.


 

                                                                   …

 

Heavy breath, dark basement, the girl’s crying, the girl from across the street. 

 

Her heavy tears fall down her face as she cries out, past screaming, now begging.

 

“Please… just let me go… just let me go.. I’ll tell my parents I-I ran away.. I won't tell anyone about you please."

 

I stay silent, dragging her to the other side of the basement where I carefully pull out a normal kitchen knife about the size of my hand. The girl's eyes widen in fear.

 

“P-please.” 

 

I ignore her words and carefully cut a straight line on her neck, causing her to bleed out all over me. 

 

“Well look at that. My cuts are getting better.” 

 

I look up at the mirror above the sink and look at the blood on my face. I turn on the faucet and wash my hands, using my foot to scoot the dead body away from under me.

 

                                                                   …

 

I open my eyes, gasping for breath.

 

“What the heck was that? I need to get checked out.”

 

I move my hand up to my hair and start to run it through my hair and stop. 

 

“Why is my hand wet?”

 

I move my hand down to my face and in the dim lighting I see it. 

 

Blood.

 

I’m laying on the floor. 

 

The cold floor of my basement. 

 

I stand up abruptly and immediately use my feet to scoot away. 

 

“She’s here…”

 

“She’s dead…”

 

I scream. 

 

I frantically get up and look at myself in the mirror. 

 

Blood in my hair. 

 

Blood. On my face.

 

Blood on my hands.

 

And a dead body on the floor.

 

I look at my reflection, terrified. 

 

But here’s the thing about reflections: they should never smile back at you. 



 

                                                            Not before you do.

Hey.. I've been gone.

11 days ago

This is cool! :D

Hey.. I've been gone.

11 days ago

Thanks!

Hey.. I've been gone.

11 days ago
Welcome back! I'd wondered where you vanished too, I was hoping you weren't upset about the sleepover game being taken down.

Anyway, I see you've now entered your edgy phase.

The twist was a little predictable, but it's a complete story and it works. And while I think everyone has seen similar ideas done before, the pacing of setting up for the reveal with more than one scene was a good instinct, plus there's that extra twist on top of the twist; the last bit with the mirror implies something much sinister going on than just an insane or unreliable narrator.

Although, I had expected the actual cat to factor into the plot somehow given the amount of attention put on them though.

You really should read Gower's article on dialogue punctuation though. You've got a lot of dialogue here and that's nice to see, but that means the errors there repeat themselves throughout the whole thing.

Hey.. I've been gone.

10 days ago

Yeah I feel like my weakness is grammar, thank you!

Hey.. I've been gone.

11 days ago

This was so gud I'm literaly crying why u leaf us them come back?

 

On a serious note, why does she have someone standing in her house to say "Ding dong" every time someone arrives. I'd be startled too if someone busted in like that. On the bright side this site now needs a setting where stuff like that is all done by people rather than technology. Calling their butler's over every time they need a doorbell or for them to make toaster sounds or something 

 

You came back just to share a story of some murder you committed!?

Hey.. I've been gone.

11 days ago

XD

Hey.. I've been gone.

10 days ago

Maybe I thought it would make a good story.. lol

Hey.. I've been gone.

10 days ago

I think the main thing here is grammar/pacing. There are a lot of instances where you don't end sentences with periods, or you connect independent clauses with commas when they should be separate. Just brush up a little more on your sentence structure.

The dialogue seems fine, but you use the same verbs over and over again (He asks, I answered, I asked, etc). Try to vary those more so it doesn't seem artificial.

Hey.. I've been gone.

9 days ago

Thank you for constructive critisism!