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Random passage

9 years ago

So...I got really bored working on my story games and came up with a random passage I thought could develop into a small story game. Tell me what you think. It is a story told by a hermit living in rundown mine to a grave robber who decided to look for his fortunes elsewhere, that being of course, this mine. It isn't a dialogue and really just a monologue, more to himself than the midnight visitor. Hope you enjoy. Also, if you want to comment on it, go ahead. If there are any spelling/grammatical errors, I don't care. If you want to preach to me on how to write, go ahead.

 

Thricefold I have saved and destroyed a world who has long forgotten the value of a single life, or the importance of trusting another soul; how even to laugh and not shed tears while doing so. So then, who is any one man, being, and creature, to give homage on a word called justice as each funeral is served between two silver platters? Can you stomach a banquet whose sole purpose lie in the thrill of watching a mother or father as they rapaciously gnaw on the sinew of their daughter and son so that the selfish concern of self-preservation in its own perverse form an exemplification of self-loathing hatred for the self, and all that which live and breathe? Is the greatest betrayal of man our instinct to live, the ability to bear talons when struck with teeth, or could it be an innate attribute that repetitively demand we set fire upon our flesh so that we might smile and watch as the ensuing inferno seethe life in all those that surround?

My first love of this world is the beauty and my first death, an unforgiven martyr who devoted in all, his heart for the sharing of such bliss. For in this, I have saved the world. As time grew however, my love of man deteriorated and became myself a damaged good. I still adored the charm of animals, plants, and entities that dwelled within my hands and on occasion found amusement. That ended and I destroyed the world. When I allowed myself time to ponder, I found kinship in pain as my peers suffer along me. In that, I open my mind to a new world. Unlike the rest that had come before it, this swelled between the borders of a profound fulfillment and yet beastly bloodlust, one hard to comprehend lest you experience the full extent of it yourself. But similar in all things, it did not last and I unremittingly discovered corpses dredged rather enthusiastically underneath my blood, and there gross outrage fermented like a wild wine and millions were massacred simply for the deaths of just a few. I enjoyed it, killing in unsympathetic, unrelenting, prolonged, and cruel ways suffice to say. The tantrum did not calm, and my world lied in ashes. No living silhouette was spared aside from what you see now. By virtue of this cause, the totality of the second was consumed. That was how I met the presence of an opposite sex and realized then a veiled agenda hidden in my subconscious, I have been searching for a way to displace myself from everything, to die. What point in time did I accept death with such degree? At long last, my heart bled and bled and did not stop. Since, I have given it a name and called it my darling. Grievance and sorrow have bestowed to me once more, a dewy pulse. This, I took with utmost deliberation and care so that I may cherish and relish this gift against the tide that swept droplets of every fleeting moment’s passing.

For letting me exploit this treasure, I left all that life has taught. Now I recognize it to be the greatest of my mistakes. Do you not remember the lessons of our fathers before us? “As you immerse yourself in the calm of the southern breeze son, the icy eyes of the widow from the north will look for you, and with her, will carry a dizzying rush of chills that no bone or tendon can protect. So paid heed the mind that is not your own, for all entities alike find their undoing when they fail to, and usually, in more likelihood- they decline to notice their own.” Granted, I was much too enthralled to grasp her thirst for vengeance. And so began the slaughter she requisitioned; And so began the schemes, and treachery; And so began the running of blood.

Trailing in sake of all uttered and done, she came to sever my throat and flee hence. And I, left alone drowning in the bosom of this warm liquid laughed to myself as the quiet night descended into darkness. The world has once again perished on these spiteful eyes. How many more must die before I can slumber?

At this point, the various fissures across the embodiment of a once living essence, partook more of what remained than this shell. I cannot die; I cannot live; I must be alone; they will not leave me alone. I am the manifestation of evil given weight, one whom songs are sung in forlorn.

Have I told you about how I saved the world three times? Ahh, but abreast my destruction, do you really care, my little supper?

Random passage

9 years ago

E.P.I.C

Great job there, is this for a story your writing?

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9 years ago

lol nm, didn't read the beginning.

For a story to come out of this passage.

Faze-Traveler who destroyed his homeworld when he unlocked his soul's inner power?

FT= A (usually) Immortal who travel's through the multiverse by shifting through the "Faze".

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9 years ago

Actually...no. A lot of it is metaphorical.

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9 years ago

Forget I said that. You're welcome to interpret however you like. That is what makes art and writing so interesting. We'll have all different ways of understanding it.

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9 years ago
I think you need to focus on writing clearly before trying to add flare to your prose. As it is, most sentences are unclear and as a whole, the piece feels very insincere.

I would really, REALLY suggest reading: "On Writing Well" by William Zinsser.

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9 years ago

In contrast, I would suggest reading The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

 

 

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9 years ago
Oh. My. God. hahahahahahahahahha

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9 years ago
Erudite... you've found your home.

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9 years ago

Also, what did you meant by "...you've found your home"?

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9 years ago
It's the perfect place for your work.

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9 years ago

Bad sex in fiction award o.O... Da fuuuuck?

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9 years ago

I do write clearly, this particular piece isn't supposed to be clear, if that helps. Like I said, I wrote this because I was really bored and did so more in respect to creative writing than have it become a well developed and structural storybook. Still, I acknowledge the insincere part you mentioned. I wasn't really writing in any way different than how I usually write, however, it did lack something there. Oh well, I'll just concede this to be a fun thing I did and discard any notion of making a short story game for it.

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9 years ago
Regardless of your intent, clear sentences are a must.

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9 years ago

No, it isn't nazi.

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9 years ago
You're right, it isn't a nazi mantra.

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9 years ago

I'm glad you caught the subtlety.

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9 years ago
That's a microcosm of the entire argument. There is no subtlety in failing to proofread. There is only BAD WRITING. Which is what you do. I'll repeat what I usually say at this juncture, which is that my writing is nowhere near perfect. However, like I said earlier, you have to deal with fundamentals (like sentence structure) before you try to write elaborate sentences. At present, you aren't capable of writing serviceable SIMPLE sentences (see above, with the nazi sentence) let a lone complex ones.

As for calling me a nazi:
A) Not Original.
B) Not Applicable.

You posted your writing in the workshop and I commented on it. That's not being a nazi.

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9 years ago

So much for that IQ test you bragged about, eh?

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9 years ago
Though, I wouldn't be opposed to a holocaust on your writing :)

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9 years ago

Wow, you really didn't catch the subtlety. Kinda...sad.

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9 years ago

*So much for the IQ test you bragged about, eh?*

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9 years ago
Damn, your logic is hysterical. This is seriously the premise you're presenting:

1. You got a high IQ score on an IQ test.
2. You didn't catch a 'subtlety' I presented.
3. Your IQ therefore must be low and your test invalid.

Kindly fuck off.

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9 years ago
Moreover, you didn't actually address anything I said.

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9 years ago

I didn't address it because you didn't catch the subtlety there. Also, did you just tell me to kindly fuck off? Did I offend you in some way? If I did, it was only because you're being a hypocrite. I wonder if you'll understand this subtext.

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9 years ago
Alright, I'm going to stop replying now. You have no rebuttal to anything I've said except referencing things that to my knowledge, don't exist in any relevant form. I think anyone who reads this will clearly see that you're a moron.

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9 years ago

What was the subtlety?