Pinging, ringing, zinging, and kabooming cloud everything. For an eyeblink in time the smoke clears and the ground, a literal lattice of bodies, provides a horrific but all-too-common site...in 1944.

Not only is this my first storygame, it is also the first in my potentially new Alternate Reality Series (in which time will judge whether I'll take up the nerve to work on or not).

My entry for the Chaos Contest.

NOTE: This is historical fiction, and as such there WILL be inaccuracies compared to reality. And though one can die in the story more than he or she can live, that's because this presents the many could-be struggles of a soldier in an alternate version of the D-Day Invasion.

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/~2e~2e~2ein-love-and-war

Recommending my own comment for featuring; this work's only got 2 featured ones so far.

"Shorter than what I would normally have wanted in a love story, but, surprisingly, it gets the message across. 

Very simple too, yet it quite effectively captures the setting of a lonely woman. I appreciate how it all seems to be very realistic; trying to resist temptation in a world where you're not even sure if and when it's all going to end. 

Love stories aren't my forte, but it's pretty clear: this is a good work, no more, no less. You look like you'd have a good future here if you keep it up. Here's my token 6/8 to contribute. Cheers!"

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-second-battle-of-bull-run

I'd like to recommend featuring my comment on this one; it's a fresh piece with no featured comments yet.

"Some storygames are short but sweet. This one was short and stale. Stale in the sense that there was nothing much tasty to capture my attention. It's not about what your topic is, but how you present it. 

It's competently written in the technical aspect. The main issue is with your storytelling; it's not immersing enough. It's about epic battles in the American Civil War, right? Flesh out its parts even more, especially the battles. 

It's got a few shortcomings, but it's certainly more fun than homework. I'll give you a humble 4/8, and I hope you make better ones than this. Cheers."

Here's mine:

An Average Joe is forced to pass an apprenticeship entry exam for a team of "firemen".

Won't be going out in a long while, though.

1. Yes. Considering that they share the same body but think separately, this is still a form of sexual assault since it affects someone.

2. No, only the bad head should. However, unless there is some way of limiting the extent of an induced coma, there is no way to punish the bad head without hurting the good head.

3. Yes. They all think separately, they should allow the unwilling head to cockblock herself.

1. The man is the least evil. He was only forcibly dragged into the whole mess by the faces in the first place. And the only reason he burned down the house and killed 3 witnesses is because he had had enough of it. He became evil because of the faces.

Faces, Serial Killer, and Hitler follow.

Faces are second least evil because they are the reason why hundreds of lives were saved, and though they include a serial killer and Hitler, the faces ate Hitler and planned to eat Serial Killer as well. This, however, is countered by the fact that because of the faces, the man killed three people and burned down a house.

Serial Killer gets the runner-up award, because...he kills. He keeps murdering people, so that's a bad thing. He, however, is not as bad if you compare to the most evil among them:

Hitler's the most evil because even though his life was saved because of the man, he still stays with his Anti-Semitic instincts and tries to prove the man's a devil worshiper. Ungrateful bastard.

2a. 2, 5, 4, 1, 3

2 because all words and no actions, though his words constitute entirely as hate speech so I'll give him that.

5 because he at least kidnaps heroes.

4 because even if he doesn't kidnap heroes, he still gives a ton of people a ton of headaches with his simple yet heinous deeds. Certainly a lego prankster sounds more evil than a man which gives himself ice cream for free.

1 because though he doesn't kill anybody, he intends to, with his inflatable sex toys. Murderous goal drives him this high up the list.

3 wins because he steals cash and threatens the kids of the guards with molestation. Even if he doesn't follow through, he exploits the psychological weaknesses of the guards, and that's just downright evil.

2b. Hero 4, because he kills by sweet music, which can shatter just about any eardrums due to its pitch. What a badass.

2c. 5, 4, 1, 3, 2

5 because he's just an average Joe.

4 because though he kills, he does not know it, and besides, he's pitiful. He only wants to play music with his indestructible clarinet.

1 because he at least has a crimefighting sense, though he never arrests criminals, only kills them.

3 because he's a misguided war veteran  who believes that everything is a big government conspiracy or something. He doesn't fight for justice too.

2 wins because he's a serial murderer who suffocates people in bags made of skinned baby faces. Brutal bastard.

3a. Nope. The other head has a mind and personality of its own, so I'll consider her as a separate person, even if she shares the body with the head-GF.

3b. As stated, both are independently thinking individuals, so that makes them separate individuals...kinda. So they won't be raping each other, mentally speaking. No, it's consensual.

3c. Physically speaking, still rape, because the other head doesn't want to partake of the intercourse.

3d. Not chaste at all. The person still sexed the body. They're also no longer vegetarian because the meat eaten by the other head nourishes both of them because they're connected, so the once-vegetarian head was nourished by meat indirectly.

3e. Yes because they don't want the sex.

Hats off to the triumphant ones!

WIBN is surely in the top three.

I think I saw him commenting like that on Ford's storygame too.

Recommending a comment for featuring:

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/in-the-field

I felt the story lacked depth and a greater meaning. Also, the most interesting aspects of the story were left unexplored. 

How did the Germans learn of D-Day? 

In history they were utterly convinced that the landing would be at Calais, headed by Patton. The false intelligence and fake inflatable army the Allies used worked to perfection, so this could have been an awesome opportunity to explore a shocking mole operation or Benedict Arnold level betrayal within the Allied ranks. But sadly, we just get the generic, "someone told them" that forces a plot artificially. 

How did the Allies manage to muster a force 15x greater than the already colossal D-Day invasion - AFTER - losing every single man and machinery save one? 

Nothing about that is really plausible. But having the D-Day invasion fail and having the player try to help win the war regardless would have been an interesting concept if it was done more believably. 

What happened to the paratroopers that dropped behind enemy lines? 

Surely they would have had some impact on the story. 

Overall, it wasn't a bad attempt for a first story. And the writing was competent. But the lack of meaning and the failure to maintain suspension of disbelief makes the story lackluster.

-- Bucky on 4/29/2017 9:01:43 AM

Who knows, Seto is one of the unexpected ones.