So I had this amazing idea, see? I'm pioneering this new genre of storygame. I call it the "zombie game." It involves playing as a "survivor" trying to protect yourself in a world filled with "zombies." I know, it's a new and radical idea; but try it, you might like it.

Updated on June 29, 2012: fixed some typos and added some more content. It's now a complete game of its own, and does not demand a sequel as it did before the update.

I was taking a look at the CYS forums one night and I thought to myself, 'This is just like some kind of weird game.'

Forum wars is a little diversion I threw together because my other, more important stories are taking forever to write. It's nothing like what I have written before or am likely to write in the future. Still, I think it's pretty cool in its own weird kind of way, so here you go!

P.S. It is difficult.

Everyone knows that a big part of playing choose-your-own-adventures is making wise choices.

Not anymore.

P.S. This game is SHORT!! I'm telling you now so you don't have to tell me later.

In fact, it's really just a test run. I want to know what you do and don't like about my writing so I can take it into consideration when I make a game of normal length in the near future.

How will you cope when an eldritch abomination prepares to unleash horror and chaos on the world? Will you survive? And more importantly, will you woo the chicks?

Turn the volume on -  this baby has a soundtrack! (Artists listed on final page.)

In The Chained God, you will use violence, you will use your deeply repressed lust for blood - but most of all, you will use your brain to accomplish your goals. So, needless to say, most of you will probably die the first time around.

----

So I threw this thing together over the course of three days... half of that time was spent fixing bugs. Hopefully I got them all, if not, PM me. (Unless it's the Epicus Doomicus Metallicus box - I'm aware of that, I just haven't figured out what to do about it yet. Hopefully it won't be too distracting.)

If you are about to play this game for the first time, you might not want to read the player comments first (once there are comments anyway) - my amazing wisdom is predicting a flood of hints that will diminish the difficulty. When you get stuck and spend two hours trying to figure out what to do next, then you might want to read the comments.

Remember, you have to use the items manually. It's more fun that way.

And one last note: You have really big pockets.

An homage to... many different things, but mostly to the surreal little adventures that typically get rated 1 or 2.

WARNING: Contains profuse quantities of tasteless, offensive, juvenile, crude and scatological humor.

WARNING: The use of the word "humor" in the first warning is not meant to imply that this game is funny. I make no guarantees regarding the entertainment value of this game. By clicking "Play Ran-DUMB," you agree that you will be responsible for any time wasting, hair pulling, facial wall-banging, or loss of faith in humanity that may result.

WARNING: You will be cast in the role of an idiot with a fat ass.

WARNING: Do not go to "The Following Page" if you are prone to photosensitive seizures.

WARNING: If you are the type of person who ignores the fact that a game has a high maturity level, then whines that it uses a naughty word... you're gonna have a bad time.

WARNING: The use of the phrase "high maturity level" in the previous warning is not meant to imply that this game is anything other than incredibly immature. I make no guarantees that anyone over the age of 13 will find this game amusing. By clicking "Play Ran-DUMB," you are indicating that you wish to view content of a random and dumb nature, and that it is legal to do so in your jurisdiction. You also agree not to hold me liable for any degradation, irritation, defenestration, or general feelings of outrage or pity resulting from this game.

WARNING: There are several ways to win this game. Many players will probably never find any of them.

WARNING: This is a demo.

DISCLAIMER: All situations and characters portrayed in this game are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to real events or CYS users is purely coincidental.

NOTE: If you are BerkaZerka, I fully expect you to figure out how to defeat Aman.

P.S. It's not really a demo.

Testing, testing, 123.

Hopefully I'm not too late to save your doomed endeavor (I haven't been on a few days)...

You must do Hatredcopter.

Ducky Park.

Well, not explicitly, yet. I was just getting to that part...

It's really quite simple. By making crimes out of carefully chosen non-problems - particularly those which can be associated with actual problems (such as the way statutory rape can be considered somewhat related to pedophilia while in reality being something infinitely more benign) - governments are able to facilitate a popular image of themselves as providing more services/stability than they actually do. This serves to decrease opposition to the gradual expansion of governmental authority worldwide by fostering a false sense of indebtedness in certain individuals who actually derive little benefit from the initiatives of their governments.

However, I certainly wouldn't characterize the conspiracy as "foolish." Far from it! It's working so well, in fact, that all of you kool-aid imbibers are probably about to denounce this revelation as the ramblings of some sort of loon!

You're right in that none of this makes sense. The entire "age of consent" concept is rendered logically inconsistant if it is permissible for two individuals under the age of consent to have sex with each other. On the other hand, it's equally as ridiculous to punish that sort of behavior, or consensual sex between a minor and an adult, for that matter - as you stated, "people who are arrested for statutory rape are rarely sold out by the person they have sex with lol." That sounds like a victimless crime to me.

The way I see it, the reasonable solution is to abolish the age of consent and acknowledge that if a person is old enough to want to have sex, then that person shall be deemed capable of making the decision to do so. (If the person in question is in reality too foolish to make reasonable decisions regarding sex, then that's their problem, and they probably would behave equally as irresponsibly regardless of what the law is).

While we may debate the semantics of the term "crack whore," the fact remains that the AIDS path in A Very Special CYOA involves neither prostitution nor crack in any capacity.

You have an issue with it being socially/legally acceptable for teenagers to have coitus with one another? Why? Which one of them should have the right to go to the police and have the other one arrested and prosecuted for their consensual sexual encounter?

Oh, shit! I took too long writing my big-ass post!

Well, despite what some of my associates are saying, I do not regard the Anime Addict protagonist to be a complete pedophile, considering that depending on your choices he may not display any pedophilic tendencies whatsoever. Therefore, he does not satisfy the conditions of B.

Also despite what some of my associates are saying, I couldn't find any path in A Very Special CYOA which involve becoming an AIDS-infected crack whore. While it is possible to contract AIDS in that storygame, it is not done by exchanging sexual services for crack, so it does not satisfy the conditions of C.

Of course, I couldn't find A or D anywhere either, so we'll have to examine the likelihood that you wrote one of these and never published it. This shifts the likelihood onto A or B, because these, being the most fucked up, would be the ones which you would presumably least want to unleash upon the world. Or maybe you would prefer to unleash them. So this point doesn't count for much, I suppose.

I think C is less likely because you tend to write about protagonists who struggle with emotional issues, while crack addiction is a physiological issue for the most part.

D is a possibility... suicide bomber seems like the one which you would be least likely to come up with off the top of your head for the purpose of inclusion in this quiz, because it's the greatest departure from what you normally write. Perhaps you wrote D in the past, when you had somewhat different interests?

Back to A, you certainly expressed a disapproval of the Nazis in A Very Special CYOA. Would this be enough to dissuade you from writing about a Nazi protagonist? I'm going to say not. Another thing worth mentioning is that this idea may leave some room for the player's decisions to have an effect on the nature of the protagonist's psychological problems, which is something you often like to do. This is in contrast to B and D, in which the protagonist's psychological problems seem to be predetermined.

Another strike against B is that it, being an Endmaster storygame, it would have to include explicit detail. I may be wrong, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you have never felt the desire to write explicit scenes of pedophilia. (This is assuming that "pedophilia" refers to sexual attraction to pre-pubescent individuals, and not whatever nonsense my associates are blathering about.)

So, final answer: A.

Thank you.

I don't understand what you're trying to say... that looks like a fairly shitty storygame if you ask me. And no, it wouldn't be "random letters." If I wanted to write the word 'balls' by the method I described, I wouldn't just mindlessly type gibberish; I would have to find five words, each from a different language, each of which translates to 'balls', each with five letters, and then I'd have to pick a different letter from each of those words to make up one letter of the encrypted word. E.g.,

Balls (English) + hoden (German) + buloj (Esperanto) + kúlur (Icelandic) + coaie (Romanian) = bolue.

How could this method yield anything other than an incredibly frustrating storygame? You say "If you can read it, it could be a very entertaining story," but the point is that it would take such a ridiculous amount of time trying to decode the words by guessing which words from which languages contributed which letters that it would take forever to read - and even if you took the time to decode a word, there would be absolutely no guarantee that you did so correctly, since there will be more than one possible 'translation' for many of them!

This is easily one of the worst ideas for a storygame ever conceived, I assure you. It has all of the incomprehensibility and un-fun-ness of a game of pure gibberish, combined with the extreme frustration of knowing that it can be understood - but that you just don't have the time and/or intelligence to do so!