Afraid of Monsters: The Loose End

There were several grammar errors, and I kept trap of two pages, but gave up after that. The errors weren't noticeable, and the story was actually pretty engrossing for me after a few pages.

My major issue with the story would be how it ended so soon. Or, how it COULD end really soon. It ruins the mood of the story, and doesn't really leave the reader satisfied. The True Friend ending was better, but I was kind of at a cliff-hanger, and for a story this short and only a very small chance of a sequel, the ending should not have been a cliff-hanger. It felt incomplete, basically.

There was a purpose for the character right upfront, which I liked. It was expressed very clearly too. I got attached to Allen as well; he appeared to be a very charismatic character compared to the protagonist, and that contrast was great.

This story has a lot of potential, and it would be awesome if it were expanded!

Grammar Stuff for those Two Pages:
Here are the pages I did. I believe they are pages 1 and 3:
Page: You are Phoebe Phair
“You walk back to your room, feeling defeated, and cheated of what should have been a simple task considering how close you had gotten to Allen.” No comma after “defeated”.
“You blew your first chance, any other mistakes will almost certainly mean death.” Add “and” after “chance,” or replace the comma after “chance” with a semicolon.

Page: You will beg for a second chance.
“Hopefully you can convince her that you can get Allen.” Comma after “hopefully”.
“You almost make it before Amilia turns the corner into you.” It might sound better if you do “Amilia turns the corner and into you.”
 "Oh hey, Phoebe." She says in her saccharine voice. Add a comma after “Oh”. Replace the period with a comma, and make the “She” lowercase.”
"Fedosia just sent me to get you for her, come with me.” You might want to do: “...get you for her. Come with me.”
“You don't want to follow her but she's leading you directly where you want to go, and she has direct orders from Fedosia so you really have no choice.” Comma after “her” and “Fedosia”.

I might have to check out the original.

5/10

Took multiple paths to see the different endings. It is a good read though I am curious when the Note is supposed to be used since you get it about 3 steps from 2 different endings and don't ever have the opportunity to use it. Again, good read. I enjoyed it.

Oh my good gracious I lost and killed Phoebe.

Ace story ;> Enjoyed how customizable it was