Power Psyker War

A fantasy storygame by NotASocietyPleaser and squatter

Player Rating?/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"

Based on 7 ratings so far

Story Difficulty1/8

"No possible way to lose"

Play Length2/8

"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"

Maturity Level1/8

"Appropriate for all ages"

Stories with this maturity level will not, by design, have any potentially objectionable content. An example of a type story with this rating would be a quiz on mathematics.

Tags

No tags

The fate of the world is in your hands because winning the war wont be easy, nor will it be a fair fight without you. The two groups of people known as Psykers and Norms have come a long way, head to head in the battle for territory. Figuring out the humans labeled Norms along the way, you must become the one and only greatest Psyker warrior you can because the Humanity of Psykers depends on it.

Your Character Background:
Full Name: Todd Cyrus Mason
Height: 5'10
Ethnicity: African-American, Caucasian, Cherokee
Power: Control Fire Element, Manipulate it mentally and physically.
Skin color Olive , Blue eyes with grey mist, button nose, red curly hair, thick cinnamon lips, thin eyebrows.
Strengths: Adapt to situations, computer whiz, Blends in, Social when need to be, and energetic.
Weakness: Over-Confident, Lack of power (Due to getting powers until 14 years of age), Not very experienced being trained at Power Academy for only 5 years.

Should I finish it or trash it : this is not a finish story ! I need feedback once again this story is not finish I want to know if you guys would like it or not drop comments but this is story is not finish !

Player Comments

Rule 1 of CYS : do not publish unfinished games.

— Kiel_Farren on 9/16/2014 4:43:17 AM with a score of 0

The story sounds decent, but I felt like the information should have partially divided between links and context, instead of bombarding the reader with the former. Also, the grammar is a "must-fix," with a lack of punctuation where needed, and a frequent misuse of words (e.g. You used 'your' instead of 'you're'). Overall, the rating would have to be a 3/8, though fixing it of course will potentially raise my rating.

— LeoScales7 on 9/15/2014 9:32:05 PM with a score of 0

The writing was good (aside from the numerous grammatical mistakes), but the story is really confusing. You need to flesh it out more. Instead of letting the reader 'read your mind,' give them more information about the concepts in your world. Sometimes, 'more' is better.

— ItAintPretty on 9/15/2014 10:21:05 AM with a score of 0

OK, so some feedback on the unfinished version, grammer is poor, you need to include way more commas in those sentences, they would go on forever without a comma or full stop! Second, more background information, why are power psykers getting trained? What is this war? What is the opponent? What's this thing about becoming 14? Why do carers of psykers think that they will be able to care for psykers better if they kill the parents? If they kill the parents after a single birth, how does psyker population grow? If psykers have so many powers and are fighting a war, why don't humans notice? What is this 'brain wash' that humans have to make them think psykers are real, it says somewhere else that humans don't know about psykers!

You definitely have many bits of conflicting information in the story so far, structure, spelling and grammar could also improve dramatically. Your writing style is good and you seem like a nice writer, but, like I said, before releasing the full version please consider my points.

— squatter on 9/15/2014 5:53:13 AM with a score of 0

Show All Comments