The Unwritten Jedi

On a structural level the writing in this storygame is actually pretty good. For example, you have good grammar and sentence structure. You didn't use much detail but what you did use painted a nice picture in my mind. You also have a pretty okay understand of the understanding of the Star Wars universe, which is important when writing fanfiction. Using a two-manned starship to transport the master and padawan, such as a Y-Wing, was a nice detail. The only thing that stuck out was the Gungan speaking perfect Basic (the standard language of the Star Wars universe. Sounds like English to us).

I think your story had two major pitfalls. First, it was just too short. I think there were three choices made. And the pages were short too, with only a few sentences on each. This meant there was little character development, plot progression and little chance to flavor the text with details.

The second issue is the lack of meaningful choices. One of the choices was choosing which planet to go to, just simply clicking that determined whether or not the character fell to the darkside. A reader wants to feel they have more input over their characters decisions. If I'm going to fall to the darkside I want to it to be because I did something evil or was tempted by it.

I think you have a lot of potential as a writer, you just need to focus on longer scenes and your ability to show instead of tell. Give me more descriptions, show character's motivations and let them develop slowly.

Not bad. You're a pretty good writer and I think you'll probably get a lot better with time. Only problem I had with the story was the Sith endings. I'm fine with the whole him getting all angry and turning to the dark side thing, but it always says that he's doing this because he's decided the Sith are the good ones and so he goes around killing innocent people because it's the right thing to do. It doesn't make any sense.

Does not follow EndMaster's guide for a good Pokemon game

it cool to read

I don't know exactly how I feel about this. It feels unfinished as a whole, yet it could also be a finished story. The base is sound but I think it needs more elaboration.

It was far too short, and my options didn't feel relevant at all. Good start, poor execution.

Your grammar is fine but the content itself is not that great. First off, the names of your characters are just ridiculous. Gabri Joo sounds like the name of one of those Xbox Kinect Star Wars characters and Ka Kamikaze is a little racist but also hilarious.

Second off, The story was not long enough for me. Star Wars is a universe on a grand scale so if you want to write Star Wars fan fiction it has to capture that same feeling and this story did not, unfortunately.

Finally, I would have liked some more character development from Gabri Joo (I can't say that with a straight face). The main thing this story suffers from is lack of branching and length and its general cheesiness that is prevalent in the dialogue and character names.

Staying in the pool gives you slightly more options. But this story had so many interesting potential things that could have happened......and you wiped your ass with it and threw it down the drain. Bad story overall.

This was honestly very short. Some good writing but not very engaging. You have much to learn, young padawan

boring