The Coming of Beauty

For an intriguing title, it was a rather disappointing game. The plot wasn't very interesting and didn't tell much of a story. There was no hook, climax, falling action, or much of a conclusion. I felt as though it was written by someone who wished that this entire situation would happen to them. As for the choices, I personally thought they were pointless and had little impact upon the story, which discouraged me (ex: choosing which page of the pamphlet to read). The writing failed to draw me in, as there was little description or detailed scenes. I felt detached from the game's world, as well as empty. The grammar was mostly fine, although there were some flaws and areas where you should've placed a new paragraph. The characters were dull and didn't have much of a personality, and I found their dialogue strange and unrealistic (ex: "You have shown me the error or my beautiful ways!" Who would say this?). I was especially bothered by Clarke, who seemed to be in the story only to give the main character a chance to attend the pageant. Then, he wasn't suddenly as important throughout the rest of the game.

I feel that if you placed more effort in crafting a story and creating deep characters, you might have the potential to make a great game. It was a shame that there was no plot in this game - you had good grammar.

Whenever I read Chick Lit I sometimes wish that the walls of the Beauty Pageant building will collapse, the contestants find themselves in a Hunger Games style arena and a voice on a loudspeaker says "In five minutes we will release the tigers. Prepare yourselves."

There was nothing wrong with the writing but to paraphrase Lincoln the plot was thinner than a pigeon's shadow and it's blatant obsession with materialism and personal appearance will offend some but it will doubtless have a readership somewhere who will enjoy reading this a great deal during the commercial breaks for Keeping up with the Kardashians :D

A lot of the most beautiful people I know are also some of the least interesting people I know so it's important to combine interesting dialogue, romantic interests, possibly even an element of meaningful danger (not so much will my new shoes arrive in time for the fashion shoot but more my mother's an alcoholic and I'm seriously concerned about her sort of thing).

I will give this a 4/8 because even though as a boy I might use this sort of thing as a cure for insomnia the writing was good, error-free and I imagine ideal for those with an interest in fashion. In places where the writing is not so strong like character depth and meaningful plot developments you have a lot of opportunities to produce better stories that might appeal to a wider range of people in the future :) 4/8

I don't know what this was, but it wasn't school based.

The grammar was acceptable, but there were still some flaws here and there. I mostly noticed comma issues.

Again, I really don't understand what this is. I imagine this was something written by a teenage girl with some borderline obsessive fascination with fashion and Naomi Campbell, as those are really the only two things I was able to take away from this.

The story didn't really have a plot, as it seemed to end without any sort of climax, falling action or conclusion. Was Clarke's purpose entirely to provide a reason for the protagonist to go to the pageant? Because he was a blank character. While the writing itself was decent, technical issues, craft issues and seemingly non-ending/inexplicable endings plagued the story.

Good stories have strong plots and vivid characters. There's nothing wrong with writing about things you like or enjoy and using that as a main concept or theme in your stories, but there's far more to quality writing than that alone.

I encourage you to develop a strong plot with well-rounded and deep characters for your next story.

The story had no life. I do like the explanation of beauty in the end, On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur.

Um, ok?

Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

More eloquently, there was nothing worth reading here. Choices just flew out of nowhere, and didn't seem to have the slightest impact (if that's a subtle metaphor for a life spiralling out of control, well done. If it's because you don't know how to use variables, well, that's a different well done, more condescending and less meaning behind). On the plus side, the room for improvement is massive. Hop to it.

Irrelevant personal observation: if Bellamy was my wife I'd distract her with a clothes catalogue, quietly flee the house letting her keep all my possessions and personal belongings in the hope they will continue to keep her distracted and emigrate to Tasmania where I'd disguise myself as a goat just to reduce the chances of her ever finding me again. I don't wish to be unkind but I imagine Bellamy's interests and conversation to be the audio equivalent of toothache for me.

That said Elle.com seems like a very good site for girls though my horoscope does tell me bthat ecause the moon is in the fourth house I should invite my lady friends over for a girl's night in, pull on my jammies and unleash my inner Julia Child in the kitchen :) I'm not sure how to do this but it sounds like it could be fun trying :D

Tad bit boring, you really need a plot with several twists in it to entertain readers. Something HAS to go wrong. also work on your grammar on the story or people are always gonna complain!

but the most exciting part was the beginning becuz i was intrested in getting the best present, just spice up the rest and do good grammar and writing

I have never read a story with so many words and yet so little happening. Punctuation issues and the odd bit of grammatical weirdness aside, this was technically a decently written story, it just felt...empty.

The characters desperately need more depth--the girl came off as extremely shallow, and the glimpses of personality we did get made her seem moody and unlikable--and the plot needed at least one thing that actually mattered to happen.

With the 'sources' link I'm guessing this was written for a school project, though I can't imagine what class. Regardless of whether it was intended as a 'real' story or not, you've put it on a site where that's what people are looking for, and it just doesn't hold the interest very well.

"You have shown me the error or my beautiful ways!" What... what is this? Was the moral of this that pink lipstick is as good as red? There was not plot, no motivations other than "nice friend" and loves "beauty", which is nonsensical. Listen to Buckys advice for the next story you decide to make.