The Pros And Cons of Almost Dying

If the author is really 12 the actual writing is impressively decent, even if I had a lot of trouble getting into the story itself. There we some grammar issues that were hard to ignore however such as the constant switching from second to first person.

The actual POV switches between characters seemed a little random as well, but maybe would've been used more interestingly in a story with actual choices. This one is very linear and starts out with an amusing unrealistic hospital drama in which a teenage boy spends night after night staring creepily the unconscious form of a girl he barely knows, sleeping in her hospital room (even disguising himself as another patient? Or at least I couldn't figure out his reason for changing into a hospital gown every night and sleeping in the bed next to her....) and somehow the family and nurses
don't have an issue with this.

Once you get through the, you get a dull and typical high school story that ends with a sudden cliffhanger and informs you you'll have to wait till part two.

There are some dead end links in here too so it does sort of make you wonder why part one wasn't finished first, or why a story this short needs to be split up in the first place.

Still, considering the age of the author I think they show a lot of promise, I'd just really recommend more proofreading and actual branching for the next story, and to rethink the multipart format. Considering the usual fare of the now defunct "school based" category, as tiresome as I find these kinds of plot, this would've been more interesting than average.

Just hoping nobody is forced to read anything as cringe and uncomfortable as an actual sex scene written by a 12 year old.

Alright, I want to split this up into 2 sections, one on the positive sides, and the other on the negative sides.

Positive:
This story’s got a really interesting concept! POV is something really intricate, if done well, this could result in a very interesting story, I do recommend checking out some of Gower’s stuff if you’re interested in trying out this type of thing!
The writing itself looks pretty good, I’m not great at nitpicking grammatical errors, but from a casual reader’s perspective, nothing seems to be out of the ordinary and nothing that interferes with the reading.
You do a decent job at describing both character's emotions and thoughts in his/her head.

Negative:
Note: some of this is just my opinion, you may choose to ignore it, doesn’t matter.
The plot was a bit too linear. This is just a speculation, but I think that you had the plotline of Brooke having a heart attack, waking up and dating Cooper, and then off to one of the endings.
And realizing the linearity, you add in some links to irrelevant pages with few words, that don’t contribute to the story. Perhaps you could try and map out the many branches, and then go write.
There was some passive voice stuff from the grammar checker, but blah blah blah.
This is more personal preference, but I see you using that enter key a lot, but like a lot. Your story almost entirely consists of single lines. This is fine if you’re doing a lot of dialogue, which you are, but I would like to see a paragraph or two of vivid description.
Already mentioned by 325boy, there is a missing link in the AFTER SCHOOL link, and also the one where you let Brooke’s parents go with her, I understand you want Cooper to go with her(back to the linearity), but try to add something, even a couple more pages of what happens, then let the story get back on track.


Hey, nice job, I can see you put a good amount of time into this!
Keep up the good effort!

Oh, and I read your profile and apparently you’re 12. And you wrote a 16+ storygame...

So it was decently long, but that was mainly because it was really linear. I appreciate your effort, but now, if you don’t mind, I’ll list everything you could improve on.

- There are 2 dead-end pages with no links. One of these (AFTER SCHOOL) has absolutely no content at all.
- The choice between “Door #1”, “Door #2”, and “Door #3”. Don’t include random choices in storygames without a bit of information about the choice.
- The story ends abruptly and on a to-be-continued. Don’t split your story into multiple parts, unless each part functions like a story of its own (part 1 not ending on a to-be-continued, and part 2 being able to be played without knowledge of part 1).
- The story is all too linear (there is only one path). This is something the CYS community (including me) doesn’t like.

That’s all my negative feedback. 3/8.