Where the HELL am I???? : Chapter One

It seems kind of promising at first, but I would recommend having someone proof it for grammatical errors.

You also should have spent more time describing and creating the world. There was a lot of wasted opportunity in terms of direction. What resulted was a rather linear game with next to no sense of agency. Instead of having to to where the demon kills you for picking any wrong choices, including running off into Hell, you could have seized that opportunity. Make it so that traveling with the demon is in fact he safest path although he's willing to allow you to choose something different. Then left to fend for yourself, your character would explore the hellish landscape you created. Instead we have "Follow the yellow brick road" until chapter 2. I was left asking myself "Where is the rest of this game? Did it get turned into DLC?" There's just so much it could have been that wasn't even attempted. There isn't much background info, but I imagine that was meant to build interest and will be revealed as your series continues. The problem is without much story or plot after, this doesn't feel mysterious. It just feels lazy.

I really like how the story began, and it was very interesting. It caught my attention and I wanted to keep reading, which is essential in a storygame. The writing is descriptive and clear, but it could still use some work. There is plenty of short sentences that could be combined with others to give the storygame a more smooth and structured feel. As of right now, the writing is very choppy.

There is a nice amount of choices with each page, and they are thoughtful and realistic (for the most part). I'd say maybe adding another main storyline to branch off and this could be a very nice storygame. I'd also recommend trying a different title as well, but that's 100% up to you. :)

The writing flow got a bit better near the end, so maybe a revision of the beginning writing would help. Each choice made sense, though a few could have had better outcomes to improve the storyline and background for the characters.

5/8

The afterlife as a series of tests is an interesting setting, and there was a nice overall tone of hopelessness and inevitability. Overall spelling and grammar was decent with only a few possibly intentional flubs with the punctuation here and there.

However, the story is very linear, with most choices resulting in either progression or death. It also isn't finished, but since the story was linear, I guess I'll just go play the second game without any worries about continuity.

A bit short but a good start

While the premise is interesting and still original, the execution leaves much to be desired.

First, to get it out of the way, the choices are woefully inadequate. While it fits thematically, listen or die, it needs branches further down the line to make the long introduction worth it.

Because as it stands, it's an introduction to a bigger story and ends abruptly before any conclusion can be found.

So I'll judge it like that. And for that purpose it feels too rushed. The demon addresses me as a kid, but I know nothing about my (past) self. Then there's a lack of descriptions. I couldn't picture the fiery hellscape submerged in a bloody hue. I couldn't picture the eternally toiling damned, the wails and the chains. The path itself, the biggest obstacle to be surmounted, was nothing more or less than a general concept of a path. And the demon itself was nothing more than a general demon, I'm not sure if the first demon is the same as the second demon, or how they look like.

Overall, I wouldn't recommend reading this unless interested by a premise of an innocent found in hell.

see i have read many stories on this website but i don't understand on why the story is short i haven't read the other ones but i hope u do a better job on the spelling and your word choice but when it all comes down to it you did a pretty good job

Good why a demon?

PLEASE MAKE MORE!!!!!!!!

this was so good that I didn't even notice any errors til I read the comments and replayed. Which is saying something, because bad spelling is my biggest pet peeve. 10/8 from me

im playing this is class ; )

Ooooooo.......i cant wait for ch. 2