Without Time

Kind of entertaining.......

Great, now just add some choices that lead to something other than sidebars and you'll have an actual CYOA, rather than, y'know, a story with awkward sidebars...

This was not a storygame, it was a story. It literally had no choices, just two parts where you could read an extra bit.

What? No choices! What kind of choose your story was this? I am telling you know that this will be unposted by you, or a high ranking member because the lack of choices. The story was a little cleaver though, but no choices hurt the story greatly.

You didn't have enough choices for the readers in the story.

You worked hard. I can see a lot of time went into this.
Not bad. Not bad at all.

Well, it was a good effort, but you need to work on your grammar. Also, this story wasn't really a "choose your own story" because everything followed a specific order. It was more like a short story than a interactive one. I would have liked it more if it could branch off into more endings and ideas.

This is just a story, not a game.
There are grammatical and spelling errors as well as barely any punctuation. The plot itself is too fast paced and too random with few explanations. It just feels like it has been written quickly and published.

More effort is required to make a game that is atleast considered okay.
So try harder.

Entirely linear, needs polishing.

This isn't a choose your own story because there are not any choices. Most of the writing quality is ok but you might want to put speech on different lines when people speak,
"like this",
because it makes it easy to read. Also some of your word choices and punctuation are a little unusual...