Player Comments on A Bird in a Cage

While I had in the past rating bombed this storygame (and I still make no apologies for that) I will, for the sake of gaining a potentially featured comment and sheer curiosity give a fair review and rating of this story.

Spoilers below: Read at your own risk.


Pros: To begin with, the first page starts off strong. While some authors (and I myself have been guilty of this) tend to infodump about the setting and protagonist before getting to the meat of the story, Ace thrusts the reader right into the action using powerful imagery. The fight scene is immensely detailed in a way that makes the reader feel as though they are there watching the battle, without dragging on too long and causing interest to wane. Descriptions such as “the shattering of the window murders the otherwise silent night” and “the taste of iron violating your tongue continues all the same” inflict a sense of unease and anticipation upon the reader, setting an emotional mindset that enhances the experience of what comes next. Speaking of, the referring of the opposing mage as a “sparrow” and referring to some unknown person as her “master” who we know isn’t the nobleman who just got beheaded provokes interest in reading on: just who are these sparrows, why would one be willing to fight to the death for someone they’re not serving, and why, just why, is our “hero” hunting people down and killing them? I like this approach rather than the strategy of explanation of who you are and what your goal is that many authors, again myself included, tend to employ. Of course, to pull it off, you need to write the story in such a way that the character’s identity and motivations begin to make sense over time, and when done properly can make a powerful means of character development. More on that below.

The second page continues to impress, with the page starting as a continuation of the same manic energy that we saw on the first, followed by a brief description of the protagonist’s current dire circumstances revolving around a parasitic entity known as the Molari (explaining the protagonist’s magical ability that gives him the power to kill a trained mage) and his hope for the future. The immediate switch to the elusive “master” is well implemented, taking the plot for a sudden swerve without jarring the reader. The gradual shift from the Sparrow Master being infuriated to regretful was subtle, and does allow us a bit of emotional insight into the supporting character, and explains to us why the protagonist is looking for revenge. The magic spell that causes the protagonist to die in three days does a neat job of giving more weight to every choice from here on out, and offers a second dilemma with the “voices” in the back of the protagonist’s mind.

Starting with the Collect the Bounty Path, I admit the interaction between the protagonist and Drusk is well done. In the short time we’ve met him, Drusk is established as opportunistic and observant: two defining character traits that make for a great mob boss. Having to deal with the pressure of him taking advantage of the fact that you’re a dead man walking raises the stakes of making your last few days count, and the money from the job going to the person who helped you after your parents died gives the protagonist a viable explanation for why he isn’t just saying “fuck it” and walking off or cutting Drusk’s head off. Drusk also seems to be intelligent enough to have created reliable safeguards against the protagonist screwing him over, which imparts the sense that these powerful, influential characters (the sparrow, Drusk) are essentially deciding his fate for him. The protagonist clearly feels a sense of powerlessness and frustration, and these plot lines lead the reader to empathize while still giving them a light at the end of the tunnel by helping someone else.

I chose to set the bomb. It was good of Serena to help the protagonist’s foster mother and lie to her about the protagonist’s actions to spare her feelings despite not being required to. It does seem to establish that the Sparrows, whoever they are, are in fact a force for good.

Choosing not to detonate the bomb does lead to an ultimate ending of redemption and peace. Admittedly, he is still not his own person, but to be fair, he seems to have been beholden to this Molari character before, so not much has changed other than for the better. As the name of the prologue is the story’s title, I’m going to go ahead and assume this is the “true” ending.

Going back to the second page, I now make the choice to head to the tavern. The description of the tavern’s inner setting is detailed, and the conversation with your reflection once again establishes the protagonist’s backstory. I liked how the author left the conversation, and the fever dreams the protagonist was having the night before, ambiguous enough that the reader is left to wonder if this is really part of the death spell placed upon him, or simply his conscience reaching out now that Molari is no longer influencing him.

Choosing to accept it… mm. As far as endings go, this was my least favorite. I will say the penance of losing your arm and remaining in a humble station was well deserved, and a creative way to ensure the protagonist wouldn’t relapse back into violence… more on that particular scene below.

Choosing to reject the reflection leads to a type of parallel ending where rather than living in peace and doing good, you are serving evil, consumed by the desire for revenge. Strangely, this is actually my second favorite ending: while you don’t actually experience any character development (even setting off the bomb led to some last minute remorse) you do at least accomplish your goals, grow in power, and it does provide more context as to why Varek sold a group of thugs a highly powerful explosive in the first place.

Cons: So I’m going to start with the small things. There were some minor SPAG issues. While others have described the “righteous furry” one, which I did find comical, there were a few others, although they were few and far between.

On the second page, when describing the Sparrows as them, the word them is in bold. As every other time in the story the bold font is used to describe a spell, that does seem a bit confusing. It may have been better to have the word “them” in that context used in italics.

While most of Ethan’s backstory was explained, not much is explained about exactly what Molari is, despite his apparently heavy influence on the protagonist. It also is shown in the endings that without the influence of Molari, the protagonist is essentially a good person, especially in the “Accept It” route, where it is outright stated. Yet part of the protagonist’s background, as explained in other endings, is that he is seeking revenge due to a Sparrow killing a group of thugs he was leading that had killed somebody and was killed trying to rob someone who is apparently a force for good, and that the protagonist first came under Molari’s influence as the only survivor… therefore he was already a pretty bloodthirsty and immortal character even before the being.

My next issue is with the ending Sin of Wrath. You have had your arm cut off in order to be rendered helpless. You are thankful to the Sparrow Master for rendering you a lowly servant of the light and truth Goddess, and it can be inferred that the woman who killed your gang is at the very least affiliated with the Goddess you serve, as both times we see her she is defending the temple from attack. Yet you pull a complete 180, undo all the character development you went through, and get yourself killed betraying the temple that took you in… all to get revenge for a gang of thugs whose behavior you supposedly felt remorse and personal responsibility for? This was a unsatisfying contradiction.

The last major issue I have… throughout the course of this review I have referred to the main character as the protagonist for one simple reason: in the second page, he is clearly referred to as Ethan, even being marked for death under this name. Yet in the Tavern path, he is referred to as “Nathan.”

This kind of ruins the immersion that the author did such an excellent job crafting at the beginning of the story, and causes me to believe that the entire “tavern” path was likely rushed right before the deadline.

Ultimately, an enjoyable story. Despite the cons, I did in particular enjoy the “A Bird in a Cage” ending, and the thought out events in the story that tend to link together across different playthroughs (Valek and the bomb, the Sparrow we swore revenge on defending the temple, etc.)

Ultimately, I would have seen this as a 5, had it not been for the first name contradiction. Final updated rating is 4/8.

I have to give Ace a hearty congratulations for multiple reasons. Now, this is by no means a masterpiece and could still use a round of invasive proofreading for simple typos, but honestly, who am I to critique for typos. Now, I will say that I was never on the forefront of the anti-Ace coalition, so there may be some with more bias than me, but I was biased enough to come into the story expecting disappointment. What I found instead was an enjoyable story. I encourage people if they like high fantasy action to give it a try. Ace might surprise you this time.

Readers should go into this expecting mainly high-fantasy action with a bit of an introspective bent throughout. The rest of the review will be fraught with SPOILERS.

I'll start this review off with the biggest strength of the story in my eyes. That is worldbuilding. It really did feel like a lot of thought and love went into this setting, and I wouldn't mind if Ace wrote another one and the same setting. He also chose to explain things through demonstration rather than info dump, which is admirable. We didn't need to have the Molari explained to us as their function and alleged alignment were self evident. I would have liked a bit if explanation as to how the Sparrows functioned in the political system, but for a story this short, it would have likely been detrimental.

One negative note about the worldbuilding is that the bird motif did feel unnecessary and, at times, a bit forced.

The action was middling for me. It wasn't quite visceral or poetic, so they weren't my favorite. I would suggest not using the word slice so much, especially for decapitations. Chop, hack, hew, etcetera could have been good alternatives to throw in. I did kind of like the words of power of whatever they were called. I especially liked the one used in the dream when rejecting the admission of guilt. They would have been easy to overuse, but I don't think they were.

Now, I do think that this story was probably weak on the theme, and some of the endings were very dissatisfying as a result. The worst one, in my opinion was the "Sin of Wrath" ending. Most of the other endings suggested that it was the Molari's influence that fueled the evil inside. I understand that the anger was not a result of the Molari's influence, but it seems like someone who allowed their arm to be severed in an attempt at rehabilitation would have learned something. It's really odd and feels inconsistent.

Unfortunately, my second least favorite ending is that "caged bird" ending. I assume that's the canon ending given the title. For one, the protagonist becoming a slave to an older woman at 16 and being okay with it just says "mommy issues" yo me. Additionally, I don't think the character would be willing to give up his freedom to the organization that killed his friends.

The two endings especially don't work together.

The "becoming death" ending to me seems the best ending to the story. I do like the Sparrow's reaction to his act of terrorism, and I think his last minute regret in this particular ending does feel in character and rewarding.

Anyway, with those problems, the story was still very enjoyable. If Ace proofreads, I would even be willing do drop him another point (as much as that matters).

I really like this first sentence: “The sound of the window shattering murders the otherwise silent night, with the shards of broken glass falling like miniature daggers, raining down on the floor below.”

Right from the get go, Ace starts off on a really strong note with this sentence. It evokes some powerful imagery, and I really like the way Ace describes the sound of the window breaking as “murdering the silent night”. When you pair that with “the shards of broken glass falling like daggers”, you get a cohesive and vivid metaphor that sets the right tone. It’s quite exciting, and this sentence really makes me want to keep reading.

I like how Ace alternates between long drawn out sentences and punchy sentences. He has a pretty good grasp on writing rhythm, and the alternating between short and long sentences really suits the action scene he’s writing. It establishes a fast-paced momentum and makes it really fun to read.

I also really like how Ace changes up his pacing, taking care to slow some moments down. In action movies, filmmakers often slow key moments down to place a greater emphasis on them, and I see Ace doing this in a really great way. For instance, this sentence does this: “Time begins to slow for you as you dance between them, glowing daggers slicing the ones in your way apart. You lips part, your laugh echoing the whole time as you dance through the storm of ice.” Despite the entire event taking place within less than a couple of seconds, we get a glimpse of Ethan’s joy for combat, and his almost graceful, elegant method of fighting. This sentence also achieves the same effect, “You feel the hot blood spray across your face out of the first mans mouth as he gurgles his last words. It stains your teeth, the taste of iron violating your tongue, but your laughs continue all the same. “. We feel Ethan’s bloodlust and insanity that also gives the reader a short reprieve from the fast paced action. This is not only effective for the current fight scene, but it also helps give us a glimpse into the character of Ethan, and sets up the moral dilemma he will face as he tries to redeem himself. By alternating between fast paced and slow paced action, Ace really makes the scene pop and stay in the reader’s mind.

The first page is really the most memorable part of this story, it does a truly admirable job of setting up the characters, the world, and just how brutal Ethan is. At the same time, it does feel a little generic, and to elevate this story from “good” to “great”, Ace might try and give us more insight into the character. I do understand that the story starts right in the middle of the action, and for a story that’s smaller in scope, it’s quite effective, but if Ace were to turn this story into a larger epic, he might want to add more characterization in this page. But this is more of a tip rather than a criticism of the story.
The second page makes up for the somewhat sparse characterization in the first page as we learn more about the Molari and Ethan himself. The urban nature of this superpowered individual jumping from rooftop to rooftop reminds me a bit of Ninja’s “Sheol’s Passage and the Fallen”, so I must applaud Ace for his writing, because it was definitely good enough at certain points to the point where I can compare it to Ninja’s work. As a whole, it could be tightened up a bit, but there were some really interesting and striking parts that were a joy to read through.

I really liked the way Ace wrote the scene where the Mage removes the Molari from Ethan’s mind. There’s a great tonal shift in the way he sees the world before and after, and it’s quite an important and pivotal moment in the narrative. He doesn’t suddenly become a new person in the span of a second, rather I like how the process is gradual. We see an internal conflict as Ethan struggles to accept that he was brainwashed. I like how he originally thinks it’s a trick, that the mage is the one who’s trying to control him. I also loved how Ethan is forced to confront his own mortality and powerlessness, that really sets up a great narrative arc for him to explore.

It’s interesting to see how despite him losing his powers, Ethan is still arrogant enough to try and collect bounties simply relying on his reputation and his target’s fear. Of course, it doesn’t work. But the failed blackmailing helps Ethan shed the mind control and redeem himself, deciding to do one last heroic act.

This was the best part in the story, Ace really wrote Ethan’s emotional turmoil quite well. I found it really gripping, and I wanted him to succeed in his mission.

There were 2 paths, where Ethan could choose to carry the bomb or try and stop it. I definitely preferred the path where Ethan tried to stop the bomb altogether. I got the epilogue “Bird in a Cage”, and out of all the endings, this was my favorite. I really like the description of the sunset, and the description of the remorse Ethan felt. I also loved the metaphor of the sunrise, since it symbolizes a new beginning. I thought that was quite apt. I am glad Ethan was able to become a sparrow, and if you were to make this a full-fledged epic, I hope that you would stick with this path.

Overall, Bird in a Cage was an enjoyable and gripping grimdark fantasy story. It’s a bit weak in the characterization, and the quality of writing was inconsistent, but there were large swaths that were awesome. And I really liked Ethan’s redemption arc, it was quite great. I would love to see you take this and expand upon it, I would totally read 100k+ words of this.

Final Rating: 6.5/8

The magic system is interesting, and I'd like to see more of it. The story is a bit short, but the world is well-crafted, and the choices lead to very different, but equally interesting conclusions. At first I was concerned the protagonist was going to be too OP, but swiftly he got his ass kicked, revealing levels of power in this world. That alleviated my initial concern.

It does seem like this is kind of a prologue though, or a single adventure in a series (although I don't see the "Part of a series" tag). Still, it's good. Worth the read.

Overall, a good story with an interesting magic system and world.

7/8- Really enjoyed the story telling on this one. The descriptions were wonderful at helping set the scenes, and made for great characters

Pretty good story!

Ethan's struggle with his own thoughts is a high point in my opinion. The easiest thing to do when you've done something wrong is to convince yourself that you did in fact do the right thing. Ethan dismissing his own conscience as the sparrow's magic felt completely natural. The subsequent realization and acceptance of the truth also hits hard. I thought the protagonist's internal conflict was done really well here.

I am confused as to why he tries to attack the angel (who I'm assuming was the sparrow, the story just refers to the angel as her) in the ending where Ethan is serving as an acolyte in the temple. I feel like it would've been fine ending the story with the "There's nothing lowly about living in the light," quote. The extra page just seemed unnecessary.

Other than that, it was a fun, short read. Nice work!

Sound idea, poor execution.

It’s a very solid premise and there’s obviously a lot of creativity behind the story, but unfortunately it’s somewhat lackluster and unpolished on a technical level. Between the bizarre word choices, sentence structure that makes it hard to immediately understand what’s going on at time and a major pacing issue reading A Bird in a Cage is not the smoothest experience.

Consistency is also an issue with various plot holes throughout the game that seem to step from a certain vision for a scene or plotpoint without much regard on how the story actually gets there. This issue is only amplified by the very rushed pace of the story, which isn’t inherently bad considering the 3-day time limit creating the premise’s backbone, but barely a slice of those 3 is actually utilized which makes the whole thing feel forcefully compressed.

The protagonist is perhaps the biggest victim of this compression as he contradicts his own thoughts within a few paragraphs of each other in a way that can’t really be excusable by his circumstances and outright breaks one of the endings. Other characters aren’t really characters, but with how little time and development they get that at least is understandable.

A Bird in a Cage is a fine display of the author’s creative potential, but also proof that there is still a lot of experience he needs to gain to realize that potential.

Final score: 3/8

Haha. Godly furry. Haha.
Anyway onto the serious part of the comment.
I'm on my way through all these new games, trying to use As Ink as a sort of self-bribe (I love Sherbet's games) and I come upon this, with one 1 rating. So I'm expecting to slog through it, but to my surprise, it was pretty enjoyable for the length. Except that one grammatical error I simply cannot get over- it was so funny and I've got no idea why. 'Godly furry' just in such a serious story, the extra R absolutely sent me into a 5 minute laughing fit.
Other than that, great story, MrAce321. Wish it were longer and a bit more fleshed out, but I enjoyed the world-building.