A Hill to Die On

As many other reviewers wrote already, the scope of this story is pretty compact, I'm presuming to accommodate submitting this on-time as a contest entry. I don't think this is a fault per se, though; if anything, its brevity benefits the storytelling. This isn't a gaping war epic that commands hours of attention, but rather a snapshot of the end of a warlord's golden years. Frankly, that's quite enough to tell a compelling story.

With a shorter story means some more urgent pacing. Immediately we must establish the stakes, who we have been and who we want to become, and who we will be leading to victory. The author accomplishes this by detailing the legendary exploits of the protagonist's warband and setting up the primary force going against the mercenaries - the King of Inglen. The important faces within this mercenary band aren't blurred into one another, but rather stand out through their unique voices and habits. In stark contrast to his bloodthirsty pillagers, eager to plunder and destroy, the protagonist is stone-faced and levelheaded. Years of conquest have hardened his mind and soul, and we see this characterization come up frequently often as a juxtaposing reaction to the events of the story.

There's a decent amount of branching, though aside from the first choice you make, the paths often are a 50-50 gamble of dying or some form of success. This makes sense given the themes and content of the story, though. Again, keeping scope in mind, the number of ways to be "victorious" in the given situation is pretty limited. I think the pathing here is fine; just a few more strategic options, or expanding each main path by 1-2 pages to make the victories feel more, well, victorious... could have done something, but honestly the story is also fine as is.

I can't say I'm the greatest fan of the writing and prose. There were several pages where the pacing felt inconsistent or too slow given the task at hand, and I would run into several spelling or grammatical errors - not that the author is unaware of SPAG rules, but rather that the story may have required a better proofreading. I also felt that the story fell too much into blatant exposition from time to time, which I realize can be difficult to avoid with a very tight word restraint, so I'll give it a bit of leeway.

I'll give it a 5/8 for me as it is a technically good read all around. I wasn't completely enamored by it, but it is certainly worth reading if you like fantasy battles given how high quality of a short story it is. Kudos to the author!

Writing/Worldbuilding:
I found the writing to be a bit confusing at times, but also comprehensive. Something that confused me the first time I read it was “Close the gaps with your Elites. Vs. Send your Elites forward.”. It sounds like two slightly differently worded versions of the same choice, until I realized that “with your Elites” means you go alongside them. I would reword this choice to “Close the gaps alongside your Elites. Vs. Send your Elites forward without you.” for clarity.

The description for the battles is appropriately gruesome. This story-game is filled with very good descriptions: “You call for them to stop, but their ears are too filled with the thundering of blood.” This is greatly descriptive; a lesser work would have it instead be: “You call for them to stop, but they won’t listen.”

The worldbuilding can be summed up as our world with a different map and combat magic. The combat magic is never explained, which is fine, but only because we never need to make a decision regarding the use of or defence against it, thus keeping it to cool descriptions in battles.

Characters:
The main star is you. I really like the contrast between Your emotions and those of your men. “Your men bristle with excitement, fear, anticipation. But you on the other hand, are stone cold.”. As the Commander of your army, it makes perfect sense that you would feel this way, as you know all about strategy and logistics, and thus you would have a good sense of the chances of victory, or the lack thereof. While the common soldier only sees what's directly in front of them. The last line after you agree to surrender really drives home how much you and your army were ruthless plunderers.

The named side characters in your command staff are given brief descriptions, which helps to add much needed life to the army. I would have liked to see more interactions between you and your staff, perhaps including a second-in-command based relationship where whenever you take a major risk, your second in command is there to show his concerns, give advice, and to update you on new battle information.

Plot/Branching:
The King of Inglen marching his army with haste, taking only four days, reminds me of the real life Battle of Hastings in 1066, when the English King did the same.

You aren’t told precisely whether or not you’re winning, and I believe this is more a flaw than a feature. This is due to how the game makes you both a Commander, and a soldier. As the commander, the decisions you make will directly influence the course of battle. And while you are in sword to sword combat, you are paralyzed as a soldier, and are prevented from fulfilling said Commander role. If you wanted to describe the brutality of the combat, it would have been far more effective to swap perspectives to a common soldier, say a few detailed lines or paragraphs about the success or failing of that front, then swap back to the Commander’s perspective, and have him make an interesting decision based on the changing tides of battle. You should have had the story focus more exclusively on either the grand tactics, or the in person experience of being in a battle, and not both at once.

The given choice on the hill route to either plug the gap in person or not is boring. Choosing whether or not to charge forward and die, or to keep reading is not really a choice. As the Chief with your epicly described sword, you should be a powerhouse, a tool that guarantees the success of that front, not a soon to be cold pincushion. It would be so cool, if when you are engaged in direct combat, and are unable to command for a while, new problems arise elsewhere. Since you chose to seriously commit to one area, the rest of the battlefield should respond to that decision, for better or for worse in terms of your overall success.

It would also be great for the “Close the gap” choice if instead of just the gap forming, simultaneously, another part of your line started to collapse. You would have to choose not only how much to commit to the fight, but which area to put your resources into.

Some routes that would have been interesting to see more of instead end with your premature death. Like the route where you refuse the peace treaty with the king, and, out of nowhere, with zero setup implying it was ever going to happen, you are shot dead. Although why would you ever refuse such a generous offer when there are no disincentives given is beyond me. You could just add one thing, and it would change so much. Perhaps the enemy King is untrustworthy, turning the deal into a gamble. I mean, does he really have as much gold and silver as the combined weight of every man you have? Seems sketchy to me.

Being taken down by an arrow every time you die is hilarious.

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain some spoilers, so I implore you to read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

The description introduces the protagonist, his situation and his overall goal for the story. And it does so succinctly, without wasted words (unlike some of my reviews).

Instantly, I'm drawn in by the description. I loved how it set up a supposed victory in the first few sentences (which confused me, given the title and description), only to turn it 180 degrees with the line, “Oh, that was before it turned to hell”. The prose is really well-written, though to an extent, as it's all in the past, there isn't much tension or stakes when reading them. In a way, it feels like a very nicely written history book, at least, if it weren't for the protagonist's distinctive personality reflected through the narration.

Not sure if it's intentional, but I like how the enemy ‘Inglen’ sounds like a certain tea-sipping country.

Only caught one grammatical error: “You had have suspected Gorbak of treachery” (should be ‘have had’).

A suggestion would be to avoid overusing passive voice too often. E.g. “It made your men restless and shifty, many had their armor and heavier weapons lost in the baggage train attack” and “The bridge not far beyond they had amassed too”. Yet, a caveat: in some instances like “you were cut off, craggy cliffsides to one side, and bristling foes on the other”, it makes sense to use passive voice as it means the ‘you’, the protagonist, is the subject of the sentence.

WRITING STYLE 

One of this storygame's main strength lies in its scope. Despite its limited word count, it chooses to focus on one singular event as opposed to a larger plot at the cost of stretching itself too thin. This means it's able to focus on immersing the reader in each scene, without rushing the pacing.

I enjoyed reading the vivid, well-written descriptions. They plunged me into this medieval world with beautifully crafted weapons. However, as with anything, too much of a good thing might end up negatively impacting the story. At times, it felt like the pacing was moving too slowly. It was supposed to be a moment of combat, yet the protagonist was hardly concerned, taking the time to note the details on his sword and reminisce on the background behind its name. 

I'll rephrase some advice I heard a while back: whatever you choose to describe, you’re drawing the reader’s attention to. And readers have limited attention spans. Therefore, some of my favorite techniques include: interspersing description with something that moves the plot forward (action, dialogue, etc), describe the surroundings through allowing the protagonist to interact with it (slamming a sword into armor, then noting how sharp it is compared to ordinary ones), or making it relevant to the plot (placement of weapons in a battle scene before the protagonist chooses which to go for).

A note on dialogue: when using a dialogue tag in the center of a sentence, do not capitalize it. Nor do you use a full stop for the end of the character's speech, but instead, replace it with a comma. For instance, ‘It must appear as though we are trying for a big push." You say.’ should be ‘It must appear as though we are trying for a big push," you say.’ However, this does not apply for action. Therefore, replace the comma after ‘ale’ with a full stop here: ‘You sip your ale, "You must wipe that foul frown from your face.”’

Aside from these, there aren't many grammatical and spelling errors. A few: a missing apostrophe for ‘some Earls cry rallies them forward’, ‘renwed’ and ‘reinforcments’.

I enjoyed the way battle scenes were written. They focused on the overall battle, using sight and sound to engage the reader, occasionally mentioning specific details of the men who were involved in the fight. At first, Imog's death seemed to happen so swiftly and was sort of brushed aside, yet considering the protagonist's familiarity with war, it makes sense he wouldn't dwell too much on the death. There was a paragraph where ‘bloody’ was used very often, yet it could have been a recurring motif rather than repetitiveness.

Even the death scene is described brilliantly. It focuses on the shock the protagonist feels, then the feeling of pain suddenly flaring, followed by the reaction. Only then does the enemy surface. It really puts the reader in the scene, allowing then to experience the events in the protagonist's shoes.

Given the emphasis on the sword at the start, I enjoyed the poeticness of this death science's last line: “Say what you will, Red Winters bite was every bit as cold as the bards claimed”.

CHARACTER & PLOT

The protagonist's beliefs and thoughts shone through the narrative, whether this was describing the enemy as “soft bellied dogs” or strategizing plans to defeat them. His main goal is to defeat his enemies. He is well-versed in combat and strategy, though he refuses to give up despite the overwhelming odds against him. The metaphor in the title makes sense as he's willing to fight to his death. I also like the foreshadowing at the start with the description of the hill: “Not even the best of hills mind you, the slope wasn't great, but it was the best you could find”. This implies that most attempts to defend the hill would prove unsuccessful.

As for the other characters, their dialogue showcases their personalities too. Halerd cusses often and constantly speaks of the heat; Imog seems sensible based on his suggestions and concerns; Karog and Bort appear indistinguishable. While there wasn't much time to characterize these men and the other named ones before they were thrown into battle, they were given enough to somewhat distinguish them from one another and they acted in-character whenever they were mentioned.

The battle is the main focus of this story. All the choices are ones that may either prolong the war or cut it short. At times, the plot feels slightly repetitive with endless fighting, as there isn't really an indication of how much progress you're making. Still, this probably makes it much more realistic.

I also liked how positive the men were in the face of death. They were singing songs, sharing stories, and at one point, they released a mad man and laughed as he destroyed the enemies, even knowing that he would soon die and they would eventually meet the same fate. It's like the saying of how the journey matters more than the destination. This is also a nice contrast from the previous brutal battle scenes.

Speaking of contrast, I enjoyed how the sword is called Red Winter and described as ‘ice cold’, juxtaposing the hot weather conditions and the protagonist's ‘hot fury’.

The victory felt somewhat unpredictable, to be honest. There wasn't really always a clear indication as to what choices are more strategic than others. However, that's probably what battle is like, and the results were always realistic. I enjoyed the ending where the protagonist made a deal with the king too, as it showed the importance of choosing one's battles.

This was an enjoyable story to read and kept me immersed throughout. I recommend it to anyone glancing at this review.

Review 8

Corgi, I was planning to rip on your story and have a good laugh at it, especially because I thought by looking at the low word count that this story would have been very rushed. I don't think it was and if it indeed was, it wasn't very apparent to me. For readers and aspiring story tellers, this story is a perfect example for how your first story should look like and how big of a scope it should be.

For lots of writers, they want to start with a big sprawling fantasy epic with multiple battles with court intrigue and wanted to start the story from the protagonist's birth. This would be a great idea if they had the experience and discipline to finish that darn story. There are plenty of amazing stories that I have read in this website that never were finished, purely because the scope was too big. I have also given that advice multiple times. "Start with one battle." "Start with one scene". No one listens. Well, except Corgi. You made use of your limited time so amazingly and chose the perfect topic to make a short storygame about. The story unlike Avarga for example, didn't feel rushed. The pacing was marvelous even. There was a proper beginning, middle and conclusion. You wrapped up all the lingering plot threads at the end and I was able to easily follow it. This is genuinely impressive.

I think your first page was very strong in the sense that it establishes all the things I want to see in a story. You spoke of the main conflict, WHERE the story takes place, WHO the protagonist is, WHO the key figures are and WHAT is at stake and WHAT to expect in a page that is relatively short for first pages. I like that you also establish the weather, something that isn't often mentioned in stories. I think it is also important, especially during battles between big armies.
However, the light critigue I have is that Halerd and Bort weren't very distinguishable from each other. All in all, the characters were a little bit flat, but considering the length and the topic of the story, I didn't really mind. (hough I would have liked if one was very cowardly and the other one was very bloodthirsty. I sensed that they had a bit of this dynamic going on, but you could have pushed it a little more).

I like the title. It is a fun play on words, especially because the battle takes place on a hill. I think it's clever and I do like me some punny titles.

My most favorite action scene was probably the protagonist getting burnt. Great scene. I like how you mention the pain in a pretty realistic way. The initial shock and adrenaline does make you feel the initial blast a little less than it should. I like that you mentioned that and It's good attention to detail to also mention the kind of injuries the protagonist got afterwards. Kudos to that. It's often a thing some writers forget to include.

All in all great story, great read. I give it a 6/8. Corgi, my man, I hope one day that you would start another big epic like the last chieftan, but this does make my day :).

I'm back! I finally decided to start reviewing after a long hiatus. Anyway, this storygame reminded me a lot of Eternal, which is also Grimdark Fantasy. So without further ado, let's get onto the review.

WARNING: Spoilers Below

Plot: 5/8
There's literally only one event that happens in this storygame, and that's a battle against the King of Inglen. There's a straightforward pacing from the beginning up to the Storygame's six endings. In one of the branches, the King offered a truce during the battle, which is surprising and is a good break from the thousands of words of bloodshed. Overall, the author did their best with what little plot there is.

Characters: 4/8
The only character really noteworthy here is the protagonist, and they honestly don't interest me that much. They have clear personality traits, but there's nothing groundbreaking about them unless you accept the King's truce (Which is YOUR decision).

Worldbuilding: 4/8
To be honest, I don't really know who or what the protagonist is fighting for. I'll assume that they're an unruly, chaotic rebel that once broke from the Kingdom of Inglen's army and just decided to pillage towns in the south for money, infamy, and sex. That's interesting, and I thank the author for leaving that gap. But what IS described is how hot and windy the South is; and the presence of Inglen. Also at the endings where the protagonist dies, it's implied that there is an afterlife in this world, but it's more like a purgatory rather than heaven/hell. That detail was the most interesting thing the author described.

Spelling & Grammar: 3/8
I thought the protagonist was fighting for the Kingdom of Inglen at first impression. Maybe there was a grammar slip in the beginning that made me a bit confused in later pages. There was also an extensive use of passive voice, which dipped my engagement in the storygame a LOT. There's nothing truly bad in the grammar, but some parts did make me a bit confused & disengaged.

Gameplay: 5/8
This is a storygame with 6 endings and two endings where you survive the battle. That 1/8 difficulty rating is very deceiving, and I think this storygame is closer to a 3/8 difficulty, if you count the 4 endings where you die as bad endings. A small adjustment in the difficulty is appreciated.

Overall, the author did their best in a limited time window and with a little over 5,000 words. It's not the most groundbreaking storygame in the site, but is worth several minutes of your time.

Overall Score: 5/8

If I had to sum up this story in a single phrase, I'd call it a solid little battle adventure. You play as a gruff mercenary. Not particular chivalrous, a little foul—you've tasted of the fruit of evil—but certainly not a villain. Just a guy who enjoys fighting and wants to carve out his own kingdom so he can retire in luxury with his just deserved respect from his peers and those who serve under him.

I would say the strength here is in the pacing and the action itself. There were no convoluted plots or in-depth battle strategies here. Just solid action. The descriptions of the battle were engaging enough to keep me reading and detailed enough that I was never confused about what was going on. There was suitable drama in the battles—including well timed moments of quiet, like when you stare at the face of your enemy on the bridge, and the protagonist even thinks he'd probably want to have a drink with the guy in other circumstances—followed by the intense action such quieter moments deserve.

The prose could have been better, but as I understand it from looking at other reviews, this was pretty rushed. There wasn't a whole lot of world building or intrigue, but that is just a general weakness of shorter storygames, so I won't penalize this story in my rating for that. Likewise with character development: there just wasn't enough time for any of that.

So, overall, this is a short and sweet little battle adventure. If you just want to read something that scratches that mercenary itch, this would be a fine choice.

not enough options and too short to even make many decisions. Author has other, much better stories

So I did enjoy the prose that this story offered, it was like something out of a medieval-themed book. Gave me 'A Song of Ice and Fire' vibes. The grammar was also good.
However, the story was rather short, and could have benefitted from more writing. The spacing at the beginning of each paragraph also got on my nerves a little bit. 5/8

So I tried to get every ending, so here it goes.
Needless to say that there will be spoilers below, so if you haven't played the game, please do so.
First off, I thought it was good.
It may have been a bit short in parts, and I definitely think that certain parts could be explored more, but I think it was well done.
I couldn't find any grammar issues, and I didn't notice any typos anywhere., and, as I said before, I tried to find every ending to the game that there was.
I think that perhaps some of the characters needed a little background, and their was little personality to separate them, in my mind at least, but over all, it was well writen, and worth playing.
Thank you for making it, and I hope this helps.

That was my first ever CYOA, I have only just found this genre, shameful I know, what a nice short read.