Player Comments on Friday the 13th

This game had some good and some bad. Overall it exceeded my expectations.

The writing style resembles an almost incoherent rapid-fire speech pattern of someone either very young, overexcited, or afraid. Normally. I'd hate the style. But, combined with the extremely short pages, I felt it added to the horror element. In particular, I felt the page where you, spoiler alert, find all your friends dead well done. I'd like more of that.

The short pages also gave my first playthrough a hint of something greater. With multiple options in the first act, I was eager to find out how far the branches would go.

However, the choices themselves were often poorly done. They were a test of basic cognitive function. Soe examples: do you check out the screams, or do you ignore everything? Will you go pee, or will you stay in your hiding spot? Will you make a sound, or will you make no sound when actively hiding?

They are even below the level of the protagonists in horror movies, and that says a lot. A second playthrough also showed me that most 'normal' choices were either fake, or led to a rapid death. The writing also became more and more jumbled as the story went on, almost as if the author was done and wished to rush to finally finish his work.

Overall I'd say it's worth a quick 5 minute read, it's basically all the movie tropes in written form.

Knowing this a short story, the expectations are not huge going in. At the same time, there have been some very effectively written short stories here on the site. As of this review, this one is #10 for 2019, so hopefully there’s something good here.

The first page pretty much dashed my hopes of finding a short little gem. The third word in the title is misspelled and the fourth word is missing a capital letter. I’m not a grammar Nazi or anything, but those are glaring errors that really take away from the readability of the entire story. And with that kind of error in the very first line, it sort of lower the expectations for the rest of the story and now I’ll be looking even more for additional, similar errors.

The actual text on the page is, as one might expect, a bit brief. Even the simple description of arriving at the lake on the first day: you could probably write 1,000 words describing the sights, sounds, and smells happening on that very first page. Instead there is just a note about a picture on a wall. What wall? A picture on the outside wall? Is the wall connected to a building? Just showing the wall really leaves a hole in the story and could be expanded so much more to create a much better picture of what’s about to happen in the story.

The actions and activities in the story follow this same pattern: very little information and descriptions and just actions. You could really build a lot more suspense into the story with more detailed descriptions of the feelings and sounds in the dark house. There’s also one page that, in the text, asks you if you want to call 911 or go to a car. However, the options at the bottom of the page only allow you to call 911.

There are additional spelling errors, and a weird breaking of the fourth wall as well. This is a nice attempt at a storygame and the idea behind it can work. With a bit more work, proofreading, editing, and adding to the story, this could really be a nice little story. Thank you for sharing it with the site.

I hate niggers

I loved playing this story

LOVE IT!! So Funny When I Stayed Still, STILL And it gave me a hilarious message

I was hoping for something a little more scary but I found myself bored with the lack of description and obviousness of choices. Obviously I’m not going to go take a leak upstairs when there’s a rampaging murderer on the loose.

Also the spelling and grammar errors made the story sound a little silly at times and I could only find one good ending to speak of which was the police escape one. If there is a second ending then it wasn’t made clear how to achieve it.

The whole mocking me for making an incorrect choice was a tad annoying. Had there been a time constraint I would understand but there wasn’t. I found the story to be amusing for the brief period I played it but it’s not worth multiple play-throughs.

hell yeah dude

Now, let me just say that this story really shows you what would happen to you in a horror movie, and what character you would most likely be. I, for one, got the "Swirly" ending, stayed with Sammy until I heard the screams, and looked at the photo on "the Wall". Which, to me, tells me that, in a horror movie, I would be the Curious and Scared kid, who dies from curiosity. Now this story did have minor grammar errors that you don't see at first glance, and the text was uninformative, I guess is the word. You could've added more detail. For example, "The Wall" that's brought up on the first page. Did you want the reader to imagine what it looked like on their own because I thought of an old painted stone wall overlooking the lake and next to the path leading to the Camp If you just wanted the story to be done with, I understand why I've tried to make several books that just didn't feel finished. I just wanted to know really why you decided to make everything short and brief. The story was great, loved how the story's basically just all the movies grouped into one thing. Great job, and make more books like these.?

Awesome story :D

I liked it, please make another one...well, you may have to because if you lived, then you should fill on with the story since The killer never died. Also, is there a secret ending?

I loved it, I haven't watched the movie before but I'm guessing this story is supposed to be like the movie, I liked how the choices affect the story greatly. Since I haven't seen the movies, who were some of the characters? A lot of the characters I didn't know were apart of the story, like tiffany.

Dammit! I almost escaped! This was amazing, though. X3

Fun. Too short.

it was epic, i just imagined this like the new game

i loved it

This is... OK. I guess. I gave it 4/8. Reasons below.

First, the punctuation. You need to put a period, question mark or something after speech- not "Example", do "Example!"

Next, the length. The pages are awfully short, and there are hardly and pages.

However, it is an okay story. The bad things abut the story? Well, it was resolved very quickly, the other people died in seconds, and you didn't even say in the story it was Firday the 13h.

Thanks for the suggestion, Jaiden James Samples, and I love horror movies too. Sadly I have never seen any of the Scream movies, I'm missing out, I know. But, I am going to try and see the new one.

I'm a HUGE fan of Friday the 13th! Do you think you can make a story from the movie Scream? P.S. horror movie fan, loved the story, and i'm only ten! No joke!

It’s not bad for a first story, though it was rather bland. I didn’t really grow attached to any of the characters, and there really wasn’t enough to keep me interested. You introduce these characters and never give them background or descriptions, so I was more than a bit confused while reading. Mostly, it wasn’t very bad. The content level on each page left a little to be desired, though the layout of the story wasn’t absolutely terrible. The plot was thin and mostly linear, and I have a feeling you didn’t map out the endings. The overall vibe I get from this is that you made the game in a few nights and then published it. I can tell you have potential to hone your skills, so consider unpublishing and working a little harder to make this into a real, breathing story!

There’s always a lot of room to improve! And especially here at CYS we have lots of tools to help you. I wish you well on your writing journey. :)

I would say this is silly. Firstly everyone dies with no reason and secondly you didn't mention anything about the guy in the hockey mask. Overall it was a story which is about a guy putting everyone to death with no detail. 1/8

I thought it was actually pretty good, and full of potential, but I think you should work on making a longer story. This was like a 15 minute episode to a tv show, though I was expecting a movie. I got the PE ending. It’s fun but you should definetly add on! I look forward to the sequel.

"You decide to run since Sammy is probably dead anyways."
Yeah screw that whiny little shit.

Got the death where your arm gets sliced "in half". Not sure how much of a chad this dude is to get his arm chopped then keep running like nothing happened. But with badassery like this he easily should have been able to kick Jason's ass.

Hi guys and gals I am just here to clarify the latest comments on my story.
1) Yes I did make a lot of careless spelling mistakes and I apologize for that. I should have read through and made sure everything was alright.
2) If you saw my comment saying "Just A Beta Test" I was testing my game and didn't realize that this comment would get published. (I am new to the site.)
3) Yes I agree the Torch is pretty useless, but that was before I realized that you could make it where it is infinite until you use the item. (As you could see if you got to the mask escape.)
3) Comments like the ones left by DigitalFang, undr, or Wil11 were very helpfull and will help me develop more or a "writers instinct."
4) I may unpublish this game and fix the errors, but that is up to you whether I should or shouldn't. (Personally I think I should.)
5) Last but not least, I appreciate your feedback very much and would love to try again. I am thinking of other games I should make. Again thank you so much for your feedback.
-Unkindcrab

I am here to comment on "if the saw blade is to Marie's left" it makes sense because it is her left so the blade would be to your right hope you understand

Sorry did not mean to put did not like, I liked it just a bit of spelling mistakes I get it to though

I’m just here to comment on this misspelling of “congratulations” which he says as “Congradulations”

The presence of some branching and plotlines could make this a good first storygame, but there are also some problems.

As DigitalFang said, there are typos and grammar errors you could have proofread, and your scrawny writing style is not particularly eye-catching.
I also agree that Jason's game was badly explained, and it makes no sense that you have to dive "to the left of M" if the blade is coming down "to the left of Marie".
A lot of characters' names and their place in the plot were just taken for granted without being explained and may end up alienating the reader from the story. You should have put this game in the fanfiction category by the way.
Also, the torch as an item is useless, you end up on the same page whether you use it or not.

All in all I've seen way worse as far as first tries go, but you can definitely improve.
Keep working on your writing and proofread before publishing, whatever you publish will be judged as your finished work.

Did not like a lot of spelling mistakes

The story is alright for your first attempt, but it has quite a few careless spelling and punctuation errors. There were parts where it looked like you accidentally pressed the wrong key or multiple keys such as "you black our" instead of "you blackout" or "ion" instead of "on." I also noticed you using the word "your" when you were supposed to use "you're" like here when you wrote, "Your horrified as you look inside." As far as I could tell, you only made that mistake one other time.

When you used quotation marks for dialogue, you often mistakenly punctuated it like this "'Oh hey Carlie.' You say."; with a period instead of like this "'Oh hey Charlie,' you say."; with a comma.

I also found Jason’s game to be confusing. You never stated the orientation of the room, until after the player had already died, which made it difficult to tell where the blades were coming from. However, I suppose that you thought it would be too easy if the player had that information at the get-go.

Overall, the game was very linear and it also felt as though some parts of the story were unexplained or came out of nowhere. I hope this helped somehow.

Not too bad, a fairly typical teenage/slasher story with fairly decent grammar and spelling (though on one page you did use "barley" instead of "barely" which made me smile). I think this story could branch out more, include more characters or campsite locations (forest, lake, random scary cave etc). As a first entry it is not bad at all and it will be interesting to see how you develop your writing further in your next story :) 4/8

But the real question is, where are the vampires?

It was very good just a few spelling mistakes

Just a Beta Test