Player Comments on Lone Star

It was alright. The writing was fine. I never played Fallout, but I got a huge Old West vibe from the story which I'll assume was your intention. If you just posted this story in a liniar form in the Creative Corner, I'd have rather liked it. Your writing was solid, and I liked the terrain's description on the first page participial.

However, this's a storygame. There were only two types of choices, die immediately and chose between the two endings. At least make it two pages until the protagonist dies. Plus, the death pages seemed very short.

Also, there's the length. This was short, almost as if you wrote this at the last moment... If the story was longer, I'd have given it a higher rating.

On the plus side, there was 'Murika. Hurrah. It was a bit different to see something patriotic (that isn't Irish) around here.

I would like to see more from you. A storygame that you spend more time on would be quite enjoyable to read. At least you published your first storygame (that I'm aware of). Congratulations!

Childish Gamino's "This is America" kept getting stuck in my head when reading this.

*spoilers*

The author describes a somewhat believable post-apocalyptic world (aside from the giant snake), but the story is so short there is no real opportunity to explore it. Granted, the post-nuclear holocaust has been done ad naseum, but a longer, more complex story could have given something very interesting. I would have liked to explore this world more.

The emotional pull of this storygame, I believe, depends on three things: How you view patriotism, and how you view what "home" means, and how you view the dreams of your fathers, grandfathers, and grandmothers, etc, and what their stories mean to you.

If I had a complaint, it's simply that a post-apocalyptic world with giant rattlesnakes really should include conflict with the remnants of human civilization, a little fighting for survival, some relationships forged and lost during the struggle not only to live but to find something worth living for. This storygame only touches on the very last part of that, and it barely touches on it. There was a lot of room to explore that existential crisis a lot further.

In short, there is a lot of potential here that could be explored, if only the storygame wasn't only 2600 words long (not that I'm one to talk, since my stories have all been short, but this story had the potential to explore an entire world that was completely and irrevocably changed... perhaps the inevitable nuclear battle between Donald Trump and The Glorious Leader of North Korea, with Putin riding shirtless on a grizzly bear).

Well, it's interesting to finally see something from Coins. Let's get into it.

The writing was adequate, although it had issues in areas. The language was strange. I felt you were trying hard enough to use advanced language like metaphors and similes, but in ways that didn't really work. Things like "cold metal buildings kissing the sky" didn't really work, because the atmosphere is supposed to be cold and dark, while "kissing" doesn't exactly work with that.

The choices were also lacking in places. "Shoot and continue" or "Stab and die" not only isn't an important choice, it's not even a real choice because I don't have any information for it. I didn't even know I had a gun, or a knife, how am I supposed to make a choice? Is ammo scarce, or am I loaded? What's going on? What am I supposed to decide here? It's kind of like saying "I know there should be a choice here, so flip and coin and continue my single path.

Even worse, the choice doesn't make sense. Either way, my attack fails, but if I chose to shoot it, for no reason whatsoever, there's some guy to kill it for me, but if not... that's it. Nothing.

The next choice is pretty much the same thing. "Continue or die." Then another "Continue or die." And one last one deciding which ending. There wasn't really any actual choice going on in it, it was more like a short story with a few bits extra written where if the character had tried to change the story in any way, he would've died, for reasons.

In regards to the overall story, even though I'm a massive Fallout fan, I don't actually recognize the main character, and I'm not sure if he's even a canonical character. If not, I have no idea why this would even need to be Fallout, since it's just post-apocalyptic and doesn't have the 60s element Fallout relies on, or even the sci-fi element. It really doesn't seem like it would need to be a Fallout game at all, and if it's lacking the core element, themes and canonical thing, I question what the point was of tying it to Fallout in the first place. Unless I'm mistaken, but there probably is a fair bit of a problem if a serious fan can't tell what you're referencing.

Overall, it was a very short story, but given the amount of work and time that was put in and how a looming deadline stood there, it was actually alright, plus it did save you account. Obviously due to how little was there there couldn't be much of a plot, there was no setting development and we didn't get a huge deal of character stuff, but that'll normally be the case in such short works. Anyway, good job actually getting something out, well done on the game and best of luck in the contest.

WHAT IT'S THIS GAME FAN FICTION BASE OF

It was decent. Nicely written and described. In the first paragraph I didn't realize that you were describing the landscape a person was standing in, I thought you were describing the literal Austin, Texas.

5/10

Okay, Not the best. athough I am bias because I have never played fallout.

I enjoyed it.

OK, noob. For the first choice (and for that matter, every choice thereafter) leading to a pointless ending, without the benefit of exceptional writing, you earn an automatic 1 rating from me.

This is an, uh, interesting apocalyptic tale, though by "interesting" I don't mean that it was gripping, but that it revealed more about the writer than was ever intended.

First, the clear purpose of this "storygame" is to invoke a nostalgia for America... which is actually kind of hard for most readers to achieve, since in reality the good ole USA is humming along quite well. Some of us have distinct differences of opinion about the qualifications of the current CiC, but what else is new? That's probably been going on since the days of POTUS #1.

What makes this tale "interesting" is what the writer himself fails to understand about the ideals he is trying to make the reader feel nostalgic about. First off is the repeated use of the word "grey." Well let me explain something to you, newcomer. In 'Merica, we spell that word "gray." With an A. As in the U. S. of A. If you spell that word with an E, that makes you a Tory -- someone loyal to the King of England. Go grovel at the feet of George III if you must, but don't befoul 'Merica with your disloyal presence ever again. People have been deported for lesser things. I work for the federal government; give me your green card number, and I'll get the paperwork started on you when I return to the office on Monday.

But adding to the "interest" is this description of what "America" was, and why we all should weep for its passing:

It was a place "where settlements of millions thrived in cities of light and cinema" (so everyone was a huge fan of Truffaut's "Jules et Jim", eh?); "where everybody ate fresh fruit and vegetables everyday" (so explain why 9.4% of the US population suffers from diabetes); "where nobody ever cried" (so explain babies, not to mention anyone who has ever attended a wedding or a funeral, or read any book by Nicholas Sparks); "and men lived in peace" (but not women?). Basically, the writer doesn't have the slightest clue what he's talking about.

And take this paragraph:

"He wept, silently, as not to disturb Frank. His heart filled with grief until he thought it would burst. Frank must have noticed from the wetness spreading on his back, but said nothing of it. After an eternity, Austin felt exhausted, drained of all grief and tears. Just as he was about to jump off the horse to end the despair he felt, several small shapes appeared on the distant horizon."

Basically, this is one of the most emo stories about the apocalypse you'll ever read. If you're looking for something more manly, stop right here.

So even if the first choice hadn't led to a death, the highest rating I could justify giving this story would be a 2. Yes, there is some basic competency to the writing, but then a million monkeys banging on a keyboard will eventually churn out the complete works of Shakespeare. My rating is definitively a 1, because the writer has produced a linear tale that seeks to evoke an emo response about complicated topics he hasn't begun to comprehend himself.

3/8
Kinda boring honestly not much happened in my first play-through except the rattler which I chose to shoot I failed obviously but conveniently there just so happened to be an ace-shot nearby.

I assumed if I tried to be a bandit and shoot Mr.Aceshot I would die immediately so I went with the option that most likely wouldn't leave me lying in the dirt with a bullet in my head.

(I expected more to happen at the settlement)

I chose to talk with the old guy he made some reasonable points and I chose the *Be Free* option at the end handed over my cloak which caused the game to immediately end.

A little disappointed but gonna try another run

AMERICA!

This wasn't bad. It wasn't much of a story-game, but as a story, it wasn't too bad at all.

I like how the world was described. I have not played Fallout and have just a pretty general idea of the world it is in, but I had no problem imagining it. There was enough description for me to be able to picture things in my head without bogging down the story.

There were some tense changes, but no grammar mistakes that pissed me off or made things hard to read.

The story was very linear, and the choices were just tacked on for show, pretty much. I did like the two endings if you talk to the mayor, and it is pretty clear one of those would have been chosen had this been written as a short story instead. Lone Star is far better thought of as a short story than as a story-game.

Overall, this was a bad story-game, but a pretty good story. I am excited to see all the writing Coins will be doing this year.

This story makes a setting with a brief animal attack and a few conversations. It's a story about a man coming to terms with the perceptions he built of the world a boy.

Well I didn't do anything silly like try to stab a tree-sized snake or shoot a man who saved my life or be rude to the mayor of a settlement I was visiting, so what I got was a continuous and enjoyable short story about a man chasing the ghost of a dream in a wasteland.

The choices felt tacked on...or rather, not so much 'felt' as pretty much definitely were since I know this was rushed out for a contest. More than anything it reads like a linear story with some slight modifications to make it a CYOA. There's one point especially where the line is "Austin is overwhelmed by emotion, filled with..." and I got the impression more than one choice was planned to be given there.

Oh, and just a nitpick, but it seems like the character's name gets mentioned *way* too much. Just 'he' is perfectly acceptable, or perhaps try going for synonyms like 'the traveler' and so on. The name Austin is mentioned six times in the two paragraphs of the first page. (Amusingly, it took me a moment to realize it even was a name; I saw Texas, then the land stretching out around Austin and assumed it was referring to the city.)

But the quality of the writing is high enough I'm not really left focusing on details like that or on the greater structural issues so much as the fact I wish Coins would get off his ass and just write more. Between this and the short story posted before I could easily see him becoming the Western guy around here. Or I suppose New Vegas guy might be more accurate in this case...

I loved these kinds of settings and enjoyed the story itself a lot more than I expected when it was first published, I'd just like to see more done with both. There's nothing wrong with starting out with a normal short story for that matter if that's a style it's easier to write in, just more time spent on adding choices or even just small side branches afterwards would go a long way.

i liked your style of writing but i think it should have been longer

You got a one on principle. First choice had a death choice. That's an auto minimum score. Beyond that, it was utterly linear.

On the positive side, the writing quality wasn't bad. You could have placed well in the contest if you actually wrote a CYOA.

This was an interesting story, the characters were pretty well developed from the start. My only issue is with the brevity of the story length and general sprinkle of dead end choices (which I'm chalking up to the contest deadline).
It seemed like the character had a good background, only to me it seems like someone hardened with ten long years of the wasteland would be a little less emotional.
In the world of Fallout ten years is a LONG time to have survived, and I know, everyone has their soft spots/issues that make them emotional in some sort of fashion. But I feel as though most people, who had some wasteland stranger crying on their back, would just figure the guy is a little bitch and beat him, take his shit, and leave him for dead (or worse).
All in all this was a great story, and I hope to see more stories from you, or this story but expanded upon. Good work.