Mercer Gang

While I can appreciate the concept and the ability to finish a project. I would highly recommend the author put some study in on grammar, punctuation, and tense. A lot of dialogue was missing "" to mark it and a lot of sentences had no punctuation at all.

I would also suggest researching the historical period you want to write a story in. In 1899 no one cared if kids were bullying each other, especially not a sheriff. It's also very hard to believe that this group of children(School typically ended around age 14 in this time period) somehow 'got good' with guns, horses, and general mayhem in under a year.

This story also lacks character development. Completely. We have a 14 year old 'bully' who somehow lives in the waning years of the wild west without knowing how to use a gun or ride a horse but becomes a major outlaw by age 15. And that is all we learn about the player character.

Overall, the author finished a project. That's a big step. But this work is far from being objectively good. I see a lot of great constructive criticism in these reviews along with some unwarranted boot licking(Which helps no one better themselves by the way). Take notes, pick your next project, and you'll likely do better. A lot of us write and post bad stories when we first start out. My first story games are objectively not that great. I got criticism, I learned, I improved, and I wrote something that was objectively good. The only way you won't get better is if you block out the criticism and never learn from it.

Now this is my kind of story! :D Obviously, the grammar, punctuation and spelling are messy so I recommend you get a proof-reader or two to go through your next story to help you correct the mistakes before publishing. I liked the very specific time and place, though more could have been done to describe the historical setting, and I like that we did all the outlaw things like stagecoach, bank and train robberies and gunfights (good ticking of all the boxes here). The gunfights were slightly glossed over and could have been described in more detail.

I’m not sure if it is necessary to have 11 characters (unless you are planning to kill a few off) and none really stand out as individuals (for some reason I’m reminded of the Dwarves in The Hobbit). I like that the lawman nicely asked me to please not commit any more crimes. As an outlaw this laidback approach to policing is a big help! I also like how I do roll-calls just to make sure everyone is ok with continuing to be an outlaw. It’s nice to be democratic.

I don’t think it was necessary to divide the story into chapters or to make this into multiple parts as it isn’t that long. It’s not necessary to put a save option immediately before the ending of the story. Though the story is pretty realistic and reads like something that could have happened, with all the dates, places and participants, in places it’s pretty general (this person got shot but was ok, this other one said sorry for shooting someone). This story could benefit from more descriptions, especially in the gunfights or dramatic moments, and the individual characters given a little more personality. None of the Mercer gang was killed, they just get shot and recover, so losing a comrade or two could help to create some dramatic tension.

There is also unclear motivation for the outlaws. Obviously, they are robbing to get the money but what do they spend the money on? We’re not told how much money they steal and as a financially-motivated gang leader this is something I’d like to know. The story is also a bit linear without much branching so I’d recommend having the option to sit out certain robberies or crimes or go with different gang members to do different crimes or other stuff (as you have so many characters).

Overall, this is an enthusiastic first effort but proof readers would definitely help make your next story more legible. Also, either a plot or greater dramatic tension in the dangers faced and losses suffered by the characters would help increase the readers’ interest. You could work out a whole timeline or series of events to happen to them and possibly introducing a love interest or more historical context would broaden the story a little more. You’ve picked a fun genre to write in though and obviously have an enthusiasm for writing so well done and good luck in your next story.

It was an interesting story, and a good effort for a first time.

I'm pretty interested in the Wild West and the history of that time period. I like that you had multiple characters, and it was fun to see what adventures Klay and his friends would go on.

I like the setting of Russellville Kentucky, and how the time period 1896 seems accurate, especially since Jesse James died in 1882, so it's definitely possible that these kids would know of his death and see him as a folk hero.

The premise of the story is quite simple: Klay Mercer and his friends are sixteen year olds bored with regular life and enchanted with the lifestyle of outlaws from the Wild West.

The outlaws rob banks, put sheriffs at gunpoint, and have a galore of gunfights, but the best part of the story is the reference to the 1896 movie, the great train robbery, also the first movie ever made.

There was a lot of action. It was very fast-paced, as it should be. The bank robbery scene was cool. Also, the branching could be better, but it was ok for a first time. There were choices like whether you want to kill the sheriff or not, and depending on that, the newspaper you read changes. Nice touch.

Drawbacks:

the spelling and grammar needs some work. It's hard to understand what the author is saying unless you make an effort to ignore the SPAG issues, but once you do, you get a nice delightful Wild West story that's pretty fun. There's also 10 chapters. I am impressed with how the author made a great wild-west story, and I just want to say, keep writing! It's an interesting fun story, that once reworked and all the grammar/spelling mistakes are fixed, would no doubt be a great story. I'm sure the sequel will be cool, and I can't wait to see what the Mercer gang does next!

I had a fun time reading this.

I LOVE MERCER GANG. CAN"T WAIT FOR THE MERCH DROP

So awesome how you made this story keep it up up and do more

I think I done good for my first book

Do more please more can you do school soon and murder

Brilliant story do more crime keep up with the story and will get better at writing story’s

I love history specially outlaw and crime

With the number of friends the author seems to have coming here to give him 8s, perhaps next time a few of them could volunteer to proofread. The core idea is fine, but the presentation is pretty rough. SPAG issues make this a chore to get through and the member ratings are reflecting that. This will likely be unpublished for low ratings.

Seeing how the game has already been taken down and republished by the author 11 or 12 times, I can tell some editing has taken place and that's a good thing, still there's no time pressure to publish these so that should really be a part of the process before publishing the first time. Most people do not come back and re-rate an edited game so first impressions are important.

I would also recommend reading Gower's article on dialogue punctuation. It's in the Help section, and also in the welcome message you got when you joined. There are other articles too that would likely be useful to you.