Nations Rise

I got the wife

I can see the good potential here but I can also see the problems, mainly that I don't know exactly what weapons I am using, who is speaking at any given time or why things are happening the way they are. For all of those who don't share your exact vision of the story a bit more explanation would make it accessible because at the moment the bits I understand are mostly snatches from jumbled phrases and spoken sentences. Some character depth and names might also help (even in Bruce Willis films the characters usually have names and at least one defining characteristic), mostly all I understood about the characters in that story was that everyone really likes guns a lot (using them, firing them, talking about using and firing them etc) and the story had less emotional impact than a computer game because it was more unclear. The idea is decent though and once the command/morale is tweaked I think I can see how it would be useful :)

The only part about this story I sort of liked was the initial premise, which, although maybe a bit cliche, still intrigued me enough to play this game.

After playing through it, I can't say I enjoyed the experience.

The main problem in this storygame is the linearity. Looking past plot, grammer errors etc, linearity is a common, yet still huge problem in storygames. From a storygame, I would like to replay the game, getting different endings and reading different branches. However, none were present in this story. Although, sure, there were different options, which did show you knew you needed different branches, they were useless. The morale and command went up or down, and some of the text was changed, and that's about it. The next page would be the next page for all of the other choices, and therefore, with no real choice, there was no reason for me to delve back into this one after getting a first ending. Granted, you don't really need multiple endings, I should be seeing multiple choices which actually lead me to different storylines.

Writing, which includes grammar, needed a big shape-up. The common problem here was the spacing during dialogue. There should be a paragraph after a person, place, or subject change occurs. I think I did see some subject-spacing, but none for dialogue, and we got something like:

"Move up those hills!" You yell to your troops. "Yes sir!" They reply, and you lead them to battle.

This type of thing only irks the reader, and makes the writing seem choppy-ish.

Another problem would be the plot, which I felt to be way too short and not fitting the initial premise, which was you leading a rebel army to victory. Instead, we only got one mission, where you rescue your wife. That doesn't fit the initial premise, and it feels abrupt and leaving too much for the reader to figure out.

Character development was another problem. I saved my wife and led my troops, successfully, to battle. I don't a feel a thing. You should imbed more details, so the reader actually feels something for the protaganist, which, mind you, is supposed to be them anyways.

Now, this is a little side-note, but I think you should change around the storygame details you entered. Apparantly, this has a difficulty of 4/8 and a maturity level of 7/8. Allow me to explain to you why these should be lowered.

First of all, this storygame is linear. That's a problem, we discussed that, but linearity influences difficulty. Because the storyline throughout this never changed, and there was one flat conclusion, it wasn't difficult to breeze through this at all!

A maturity rating of 7/8 is close near pornographic, and contains heavy amount of coarse language, blood/gore descriptions, etc. None of those were prominent here, at all.

To re-cap, you should really flesh out this story, and/or change the intial premise. Be sure to spell-check, and work on your writing and grammar skills, too. Consider changing the storygame details (difficulty, maturity).

3/8.

This could have gone better. You need to think your story out more clearly

There's literally no setting setup, although more than other stories. The grammar was deplorable--I couldn't make sense of the individual words or phrases, although I got the general plot storyline. So basically this is just a few clauses scrapped together, a few words of profanity sandwiched in between, slapped up onto a page and labelled as a storygame.

I don't like it.

I think it has a lot of potential. Keep up the good work. :-)

It's not finished but its a pretty good game

Looks cool, I like. The idea of a sci fi action story, but it isn't finished :(

Very intriguing. I look forward to seeing a lot more of this. As it is just a snippet however, I can't give it the high rating it would deserve as a whole story. Be sure to finish it and I'll re-rate it then :)