Sparkling Forks

This was so bad. But I've seen worse. I can't believe someone wrote a fanfiction portraying Edward as even more abusive than he usually is. In that, you have done the books proud.

Um... what exactly happens here? Many people prefer if you say what you're going to do in the link, rather than put the page number there. It's very confusing for the reader.

Does the story really have purpose? I don't think so. Perhaps it could be developed at some point, but it ends to quickly, and there's simply not enough STUFF here. Develop characters, plot, background, etc. Don't assume people know Twilight. Describe, explain, show!

Also... if this is a modified version of Twilight... shouldn't it go to the Fanfiction section?

Otherwise, great job on what you have.

Cool

After two minutes of reading I was randomly told I had died so I don't have much incentive to try again and see if I can survive for 3 or 4 minutes :) Writing was ok though but there's no need to say "to do such and such turn to page x" as that's for books, on this site you can just provide the options :)

Rubbish. Instant death from the first page is a no-no, but the most irritating thing is the links saying "turn to page 5". The links should just say "go to Florida" or "Stay in Arizona", this is online and not a book. Use the medium correctly.

Hmmm... Maybe I shouldn't go with dad to a place that the title obviously foreshdowed, of course that won't be an instant death...

Instant-death links are a no-no. Writing's fine, but like the Twilight series, it lacks imagery and body language, and focuses too much on monologue.