Player Comments on The Carivelli Carnival

This isn't a bad story by any means. Thoughts:

- There's some nice description which captures the creepy feeling you were going for, so you've done that well. The whole thing reminded me a bit of Spirited Away for some reason. I suppose it's a similar setting nearer the start of the film. The really uncaring, disconnected crowd added to that, and I liked that basically nobody in the crowd interacted with the MC or even said anything and reacted apathetically to the sword swallower.

- There's a fair amount of repetition of 'you'. This can be fairly difficult to address because it's not immediately obvious, but it detracts from the story for me.
E.g: 'His eyes meet yours, and you feel his will pulling you in, and you walk through the gates mesmerized.' would, I think, be better as something like: 'His eyes flickered over, powerful will pulling curiosity to the fore as you walk through the gates, mesmerized.'

- There are some grammatical issues like tense changes and syntax stuff. An example of both is:
'"See into the darkness, look into yourself and find where you belong" said a melodic voice that you assumed belong to the contortionist.' This is in past tense, along with some other sentences dotted around, even though the rest is in the present, and you need a comma before the closing quotes. There's also a little bit of comma splicing:
'Her intoxicating movements draw in all those in the surrounding area, you push your way closer to the stage as more and more people gather around.' Needs an 'and' or a period to make it two sentences or a semi-colon etc.

- A little bit of script wouldn't have hurt to make some options one-click, like when you choose which acts to go see. That's just polish I guess though.

- Ahh, I thought the square of pi one would just give me pie. Sad times.

- I quite liked the twist with the contortionist, but the whole running away choice with the 'left' and 'right' options isn't a great CYOA trope. If one's going to lead to death and the other isn't, maybe hint at what's on either side so the reader isn't blindly guessing.

- Some of the endings felt a little rushed, and I noticed you reused a few endings for different paths. A couple didn't really fit, especially where the reader makes a choice of what to say to the Ringmaster and then there's no mention of him in the next page.

Still, this was a decent story that I quite liked and it didn't have too many mistakes.
4/8. Would've been 5 if there hadn't been spelling and tense errors, which I don't think is much to ask from 4000 words.

It was an interesting story, but I noticed a few errors, here are two from one page (because I can't remember most of them :)) "even with a great amount of practice and patients.
He let's " In that quote, "patients" is spelled patience, and "let's" should just be lets, otherwise it says "let us". I know that those are actual words, so the upcoming solution won't actually work for those, but a little tip is to write your pages on word, then copy and paste to the editor, that way it will both let you know your errors and if the system fails while downloading it to the editor you won't lose your progress.

Enjoyable.

This story game was a little better than I expected it would be. The writing was decent, and although it has some grammar and spelling issues, they did not distract me from the story.

However, the story was a little short, and I think if the narrative was longer, it might have been able to allow a creepy horror atmosphere to develop . As written, it feels a little rushed and didn’t really have time to build up before moving on to something else.

Overall, decent short game.

Excellent. If it was longer, it'd be quite flawless.

The beginning reminded me of Carnival of Terrors (Give Yourself Goosebumps). It would be nice if it could be a bit like that, but nevertheless it was quite interesting.

"can't accomplish even with a great amount of practice and PATIENTS."
Don't you mean "patience?"

Other than that, very good. Very creepy. I liked it a lot.

I went crazy and had to go to a mental hospital :T

Maybe I am doing it wrong but its very short and ends way to quickly. The parts I went through we fun but it just didnt go anywhere

Wow! I really enjoyed this game, and I saw the immense amount of work you put into it. I love the eerie feel of wandering through the carnival, and the door parts are so cool! Amazing game!

It was an OK story the writing was good. As was the idea behind it. It is creepy enough to intrigue. However I found the small amount of choices and endings disappointing. I must commend you on having one semi happy ending.

It's good, but not great

Great story.

Really good. It scared me a little, but I'm dying for more background knowledge :)

I quite enjoyed it, though I don't quite get the point of the three main acts. The choice of doors at the end really made me want to play it over again, though!

Pretty odd.

It has an interesting feel but the endings kind of disappointed me.

Eh.
It was fine. The beginning was fine, the progression was fine, the end was fine. There was nothing spectacular about it, but then, nothing seemed out of place. Somewhat creepy. Probably worth a look.

It's missing a good ending.

...Creepy. In a good way. I liked it.

You make going insane sound like a bad thing! My favorite ending was getting killed by the boy. That's how I want to die. A little child stabbing me to death. X)

Kind of interesting and fun to play

Good writing!

Pretty good.

Awesome

I went through the story 100% i saw every page it had to offer as far as I can tell. This is a good story, and has only a small number of typos. Its also very much so non-linear. An excellent job on that. Most of the endings leave a little something to be desired, but all in all, an excellent story.

Well that was disturbing

...Well that was creepy.