The Gaijin

As someone who grew up in Japan with a (caucasian) gaijin father this is something I can sort of relate to... the line "And how do you know I'm American?" was pretty funny.

But the humour alone doesn't really carry this storygame. The story feels very weak and is over in an instant, so I feel nothing for the characters. It does feel rather sloppy with a lot of the Romaji (at least I assume) characters not displaying properly. I don't think may readers are going to benefit much from reading all that Japanese. There is a time and a place to use foreign language in stories, but I don't think it was done very well in this case.

I don't think this is a terrible premise for a storygame but it really needs some fleshing out of the characters and plot. You could start by writing some more detail and finishing a longer story. You could have played up the whole scary gaijin thing a lot more and made more subtle jokes and references about that.

3/3

Haha I find this funny because I live in China but from the writing it's clear you're relying more on your imagination than your experiences :) In Asia 99% of people don't speak English and those that do certainly don't speak it as well as these characters do :D That said this was a good, creative story and the writing was strong, I'd like to read more urban horror stories like this one!

Two ending, you bang a chick or get killed by a ghost. To pages two pages with more than one link (there was two.) There is less then ten pages total and with a little more length it could be a great story and a great game.

Your writing was good. I enjoyed reading it. My personal story was uneventful, but I want to go back and try the second path.

It was pretty short, but at least there weren't too many spelling/grammar mistakes. The Japanese lines were really annoying though. Readers who don't know Japanese won't get anything from them, readers who do will be distracted by how clunky and pronoun heavy they are.

umm really short and the japan links were... wierd

The Japanese links pissed me off.

However, points for writing it in authentic Engrish.