Wrath of the Edomite

This was a really good story. I’m personally not too familiar with the story, the most I know about this period in the bible is I recall something about David hiding in a garden and Jonathan helping him. Either way the story stands well on its own even without having much context around it. I read all of the pursue David path and none of the other path at the start of the story

The main driving point of this story is the character of Doeg, who in my mind is hilariously pronounced Doug. I mean the plot is cool and all, but the story really shines in its exploration of what I assume was a really minor character from the bible. He starts off a little melodramatic for my liking, I wasn’t really a fan of, on the first page, when he was standing in a field yelling a prayer about his motivations for the world to see. It just felt forced and not really real. But as the story progressed I definitely bought the character and was interested in his development.

My favorite scene showcasing this was when he entered the Holy of Holies and god condemned him. This paragraph from that scene was my favorite in the story.

“Doeg, lost son of Edom, I weep for you,” the voice is again like rushing waters, but maintains the calm intonation. “Your zeal is impressive. You have loved my laws and studied them diligently. During any of that time, did you learn nothing of my character?”

I think this really captures Doeg’s sin and is a very fitting response from the lord. I think the lord should’ve also brought up how he was lying to himself about god’s will, because from my point of view it seems to me he was lying to himself about god’s will in service of his own ambitions.

I’m also completely sold as far as this being a biblical story. It doesn’t feel like fan fiction in that if this was scene for scene copied from the bible I’d believe it. Hell it might have been, I don’t know.

The branching was also pretty good, I’m sure it would’ve been a lot better if I’d read the other half of the story, as that seemed to be a lot looser with the branching, I assume due to the fact that it didn’t really have to stick to a set series of events as much.

Now I’m a basic ass reader. I love my fantasy, this type of story isn’t for me. But despite that I really liked it. You managed to capture the heart of a biblical character, and make me really see the world from their eyes. The prose also seemed pretty good, but I don’t care about that kind of thing really so I can’t judge.

First I need to say I read Yummyfood's review (after reading this), and feel I have very little to add, so this will be me more or less agreeing with him/her, lol.

Alright, let's kick this off with some good:

1. The story is interesting. Most tales revolving around David are well known (Goliath especially), but this focuses on a very small player who only shows up in the Bible very briefly.

2. The characters have depth. The protagonist is fleshed out, in his background, motivations, thoughts, and emotions. The supporting cast has their own schemes, and it is made clear how and why they are for or against you.

3. The writing is coherent and colorful. The very beginning was a bit rough around the edges, but the more I read the better it flowed. It never felt disjointed, or like it jumped around too much.

4. The layout looks good. More of a personal thing, I suffer from hyper eyestrain (don't know the medical term), so reading poorly formatted text causes me to feel dizzy, and get massive migraines. There are good breaks between paragraphs, and overall sentence structure is done very efficiently.

The Bad:

Honestly, if I'm going to put anything here I have to be really REALLY nitpicky. So thankfully I have OCD, so that's not a problem.

1. there are a least 2 spelling errors, however, these were so minor they did not even break my flow of reading. I didn't catch them until I went back and reread the entire page a second time.

2. On the very first page it says "You stand and laughed". For me I got hung up because I feel like it should either say "You stand and laugh", or "You stood and laughed".

As I said, I'm being REALLY nitpicky, so feel free to just brush these off.
Despite any of the theses very minor things, I didn't find anything that led me to be confused.

The Great (since there is no ugly)

1. Holy crap, there are actual choices! There is an effort in the story branching and leads to different paths that have genuinely satisfying conclusions.

2. Deaths. There are no "whelp, bad choice, you dead. And you died. The end." The death 'sequences' (as I like to call them) have just as much energy put into them as the pathways that lead to success.

3. Details. From making jabs at people over foreskins, to crazy kings, the world is alive and brimming with descriptive words that help give life to people, places, and things.

I am comfortable giving this solid storygame a 7/8.

Bravo!

First Impressions: This story definitely earned its top 5 position. One would not know this was the first storygame an author wrote here, yet it is.

***Spoilers. I apologize but I just have to praise it all***

Plot and structure: I cannot say enough just how great this story is. You took a story that is not often brought up and you ran with it for all you had. It definitely shows too. The care and detail you put into the world you built when the lore was already there to just cheap out on is truly fantastic. This was a newer story for me, yet I believed the whole time that this man and this story would fit into the bible easily.

I have never been so captivated and invested in a character. I usually do a one-and-done path for stories and leave other paths untouched before rating them. I did not do that here and I did not regret it. Every ending I came across was well written. There was no "You died the end" type ending and I appreciated it. The "loyalty test" ending as I call it especially got to me.

When you go through the right path, you get to a point where a woman tries to get you to abandon your ambition and plot against David and get married to her. I was curious about how that path would go so I clicked it. The whole first part of it was him warming up to it and getting permission from Saul and blah blah blah. The whole time I was thinking "This seems like an out-of-place ending..." Then you hit me with the death by stabbing and the explanation that she was testing your loyalty to Saul. That is the bit that really got me rooting through this story. Sucha small thing made all the difference. I'm not even sure why exactly.

The other thing I wanted to talk about was your phenomenal descriptions. I am not a very visual thinker. I have a hard time putting a vivid picture of events in my head but...my god. I could picture it all. You went off the basis that everyone at least partially knew the descriptions of David and Saul, but everything else was described amazingly. Even the atmosphere in some cases was described in such detail I could almost feel it.

Grammar: As a person who suffers from pretty poor grammar myself sometimes, I may have missed something. I only really notice those things when I'm looking for them, but I was far too busy being invested in what the words were saying than how they were spelled.

Gameplay: Smooth as can be. There was no point where anything felt out of flow or interrupted my immersion. I do think there could have been a bit more branching, but I have no place to complain about that when I have some of the same issues.

God, I wish I could have something critical or at least some kind of improvement to suggest besides the lack of physical description of David and Saul and that there could have been more branching.

Overall 7/8. I don't know how this was only 5th place, but it certainly deserves the high placing. Definitely up there on the list of people with great first storygames. This could have easily been a disaster in hands like mine, but you did an amazing job.

this game is so sucky and I could've just died reading it honestly it was so cringy and bad because it did not have any stories, had so many typos, DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME!!!! It is so dumb and repulsive I didn't know if it was a garbage dump or a story. Stop making stories you stupid shmuck!!!

This is a good first storygame.

I liked that you picked a very minor character and put a bit of thought into what would be his motivations and allegiances. It was interesting to read the accounts of David and Saul from an outside perspective that had their own ambitions.

The branching was decent and provided different endings, and the writing held up.

Overall, nice job. I enjoyed reading this.