ghost11, The Wordsmith

Member Since

12/23/2018

Last Activity

7/18/2019 4:18 AM

EXP Points

320

Post Count

36

Storygame Count

0

Duel Stats

1 win / 4 losses

Order

Sage

Commendations

19

Hi! 

I'm 15 and write as a way to keep my mind off things. I also love reading, especially crime and thriller. If you have come across any good books in these genres, let me know! I really appreciate feedback on what I write and will take it all onboard to try and make myself a better writer. 

Currently I'm working on a little random story to get the hang of choose your own adventure writing :)

 

 

Trophies Earned

Earning 100 Points

Storygames

Night-time Adventures
unpublished

It is a typical night at home. How boring. Let's see what there is to explore!


Recent Posts

Bruh Moment Numero Dos on 7/7/2019 8:02:00 AM

Sure thing, would you like the Celecoxib Pfizer, Ondansetron, Tramadol, Gabapentin, morphine tablets, oxycodone or hydromorphone? Not quite sure which ones send me to space yet, I recommend just taking them all at once for happy times. 


Tethered on 7/4/2019 10:48:38 PM

This is pretty different from the other stories I’ve read of yours- I think this is the first one of yours I’ve seen written in first person? 

I’ve read this over and over again, and I honestly can’t find much to criticize. I like the mystery that builds up along with the uncontrollable panic, and the stream of consciousness that really gets the reader immersed in the characters thoughts. Overall a really good read. 


Just Another Day In HELL on 5/2/2019 12:29:48 AM

“Sing me a song, Keri. The sunshine song.”

I looked up at Mika, his eyes barely visible behind his blanket as they pleaded with me to drown out the screaming. 

“Sing it with me,” I urged.

Mika pulled the blanket up over his ears until he looked like a wizard with a cowl on- almost comedic with his ears sticking out the sides- and peered at me expectantly. 

“Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter,”I rasped, unable to keep my voice stable and clear. It didn’t matter how loud or how long we sung, it never really stopped. Even in the middle of the night when The Monster is lying asleep next to mum, her screaming would echo in waves through my head. I wished it would just all stop. Stop, and I would never have to hear the high-pitched wails again, but then I realised what that would mean. And that could never happen, not for as long as I lived. I knew what that could do to us and vowed to never let it happen, for Mika. He’s a strong boy, that’s true, but I didn’t know how much more of it he could take before he’d snap and think it was a good idea to tell someone. And we could never, ever tell someone for The Monster promised us we would face a lifetime of shame, or hints of not even a life at all. 

I shuffled over to him and grasped his hand. 

Here comes the sun, and I say, it’s alright.” He mouthed it with me, slowly daring to close his eyes. 

We hummed the next few lines together, two kids huddled up on the floor of their state house bedroom. The Monster couldn’t get us here, we were trapped in our own little bubble, far away from the punching and screaming and kicking and biting and throwing and touching and whatever else The Monster did. As long as we were together and my mum was someplace else, we would be alright. The floor didn’t offer much comfort, but we didn’t mind that. It was only a few hours anyway, and then we could go to school and leave The Monster at home. I waited in earnest for school, even though I got in trouble a lot for not concentrating. School was a place where Monsters were bad, and I could write stories about Mika and I leaving our house forever and escaping to live with our real father somewhere else. Because there is no way I was related to The Monster, I just didn’t believe that. He’s too scary, too mean. 

It seems like years since it’s been clear.”

Mika’s breathing began to slow down, and I smiled to myself. He’s going to be ok. He’s going to make it out of this, finish school, get a job and then have his own family without The Monster. Maybe I can live with him too and we can make all those stories about escaping come true. 

I kept singing as Mika drifted off to sleep, more for myself now than for him. The Monster was not far away, and I knew I was the next victim. Shaking, I pulled the blanket off my legs and draped it over my little brother, covering his ears.

“Sun, sun, sun, here it comes,”I whispered, praying to whatever God that sometimes looked out for me would take pity and speed up the world so the rays of light could return, and I could get out of my house and away from The Monster at school. Selfishly, I wished that my mum’s screams would continue because as long as she was in pain, The Monster was far away from me and Mika and I could remain safe.  

Here it comes. Sun, sun, sun, here it comes,”I whimpered, struggling to keep my sobs down. 

I heard footsteps pounding outside the door, coming closer and closer. 

Here it comes.”

I prayed that The Monster would pass by our room as the screams died off and the footsteps edged closer. Pressing my thumbs into my fingers, I shut my eyes tight and desperately held my hands over my ears, trying to block it out. Maybe if I couldn’t see The Monster, he would ignore me.

“Here it comes.”

Even with my hands pressed hard against my ears, the slam of the door being forced open startled me and I let out a shriek as The Monster entered the room. From where I was sitting in the corner, he looked so much bigger and stronger than me and I felt utterly helpless. He glared at me with a look so scathing I trembled uncontrollably. 

“Keri, why aren’t you in bed?” he growled.

I didn’t know what to say. Tell him that the bed has mites in it? That his vicious beating of my mother kept me awake? That I worried sick about my little brother and was scared to sleep while him, The Monster, roamed the house in fear that Mika would get abused too? 

“Answer me!” he snapped. 

I clasped my hands together to stop the shaking. “I-I’m sorry, I-“

“I work hard for this family, to put food on the table, educate you kids, and you’re just throwing it all away. Can’t you see, I’m just trying to prevent you from ending up like me,” The Monster said, exasperated. 

I nodded, attempting to look grateful. I thought that maybe there was a chance I would survive this encounter unscathed. “I appreciate it, really. Mika and I both,” I told him. 

He stood there, seemingly unsure of what to do next. 

“Is Mika asleep?” he questioned. 

I cast my eyes downwards to where he lay with his back to The Monster. Mika’s eyes, wide open, met mine, and they screamed at me to not say anything.

“Yes.”

The Monster shrugged in annoyance. “His rugby coach called. Something we will have to talk about later.”

He turned to walk out the door. “Goodnight Keri.”

“Goodnight.”

“I love you.”

I just smiled weakly in response, unwilling to bring myself to return the statement. The Monster looked at me and for a second, I thought I saw a look of regret flash across his face as he shut the door. 

A few seconds after he departed, Mika sat up. “I told him,” he whimpered. “I told him, and Dad knows. He knows.”

I frowned. “Told him what?”

“I told my coach. He asked why I was so tired and I… I don’t know I just-“Mika cut off his own sentence and broke down, sobbing into his blanket. “Dad knows I told him! He knows Keri!”

As Mika’s sobs threatened to get louder and out of control, I pulled him close and began to sing again. 

“Here comes the sun, and I say, it’s alright.”

“It’s alright.”

“It’s alright.”

 


Risk My Attention (CYStia: Land of Freedom) on 4/27/2019 2:46:22 AM

Recommending comments for featuring

1. http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-cliff 

**Contains spoilers** 
It seems Val has the worst luck in the world... Either that or she needs to move away from the goddamn cliff! Lol. The story moved very quickly. It took me about 12 min to get through the entire thing. I was glad it was fast-paced because it meant the reader mostly experienced the big events in Val’s life. That being said, there seemed to be a lot of gaps in the scenes that the story didn’t address. 
There were only a handful of characters: Val, Jen, Emma, Liam, and Brian (Val’s father). I liked Jen and Emma, but didn’t feel any positive emotion towards the other characters due to inconsistency and foolish action. 
Val, Brian, and, (to a lesser degree) Liam acted inconsistent or made dumb decisions which didn’t connect me to their characters. To be fair, we can say Val inherited that tendency from her Father and blame the bastard for not having rational thought processes. Someone should throw him off a cliff, oh wait... For example in Brian’s suicide note, he writes that he loves Val more than anything, but he also can’t afford to live without Val’s mother and brother. Make up your mind, dude! You’d think if he loves Val more than anything, he’d stay alive to raise her. Val had the same line of reasoning later on: “I loved her (Emma), I truly did, but what was the worst that could happen if I called Liam? I needed someone.” You have a wife, lady! You claim to love her! The worst thing that could happen is that you break her heart and run that bitch straight to the cliff. Poor genetics if you ask me. Liam just sort of killed himself out of nowhere due to “inner demons”. I can’t recall any mention to his inner struggle in the story (maybe it’s there, I don’t know), but it seems more like a lazy way to offer a sacrifice to the almighty Cliff Lord. Besides committing suicide, Liam was ok. 
Now to the superior gene pool: Jen and Emma. Jen was the first person to show kindness to the main character. It was apparent that she had a good heart and the best interest of her children in mind. The same couldn’t be said for her homophobic husband. I thought Jen might be the one who opposed Emma and Val together, but she recognized they were good together. Usually someone who homeschools their kid has a more closed-mind, dare I say conservative, worldview of the “L” word (lesbians), so that was a nice surprise. Emma is a genuine character who was more proactive than Val: a true go-getter. Or should I say, “Go get her”? Ba dum tiss. If she wanted to do something, she went for it. The ending where she finds out that Val betrayed her showed that she was the one who had actual feelings for her wife. Val claimed she loved Emma, but then slept around. When Emma found out about the betrayal, she killed herself. I think Emma’s love clearly outshined Val’s which is consistent with the character portrayal. Emma’s character was genuine and true in her actions while Val’s were inconsistent and didn’t always make the smartest choice. 
A few things that stuck out to me: 
- The opening scene mentions “holding a letter in her hand clutched with every fiber of her being” (or something like that). It’d be more effective to leave out one or the other. It’s a bit awkward since every fiber of your being isn’t in your hand. 
- The spacing started out distracting, but eventually I got used to it. 
- The line “…smell of salt water filled my mind” stuck out as weird. Filled your nose maybe? 
- There are a lot of commas out of place. 
- You used the metaphor “holding my grief like a bag of bricks on my back”. I get the image you’re trying to display, but as far as I know, people don’t carry bags of bricks on their backs. They use wheelbarrows or some easier way since bricks are goddamn heavy as shit. 
- My favorite line in the entire story: “I was a little desperate for attention and Greg was supplying it by the bottle.” I thought it was a great line and fit perfectly in the setting. 
- The opening page has the line “nobody ever went here (the cliff) except for those that never went back home.” A few pages later, you visit the same place and you make it back home. Plus, that happened 12 years earlier. 
I found this storygame to be entertaining, which says a lot for the writing since it’s a topic I usually avoid. I give it a 3/8 for the story pace and engaging writing, but its lack of consistency, player choice, and formatting (spacing and grammar) ultimately swayed my verdict to the lower end. 

-- ninjapitka on 12/11/2018 6:22:20 PM

2. http://chooseyourstory.com/story/what-magic-ability-would-you-have~3f 

Ok... that was a strange quiz. 
There was far more in-depth than was perhaps necessary, even from the first page the options were massively longer and detailed that the single solitary sentence that made up the page, I think some serious editing could still have got the meanings across in half the words. 
I found the choices insanely specific, for example on the hobbies page I couldn't find an option for my preferred hobbies (namely reading, writing and smoking) so I had to go with music, drawing and art as I did one of those three but didn't really do any of the others in the other choices. I ran into this problem repeatedly, even on the "what is your favorite color page" (oh, black isn't listed but "rust" is? Seriously? How many people love rust more than black?) 
I was also a bit embarrassed that of the poems listed the only one I knew was Jaberwocky… this whole quiz was a lot more adult that the simple question "what magic ability would you have" seemed to require, it's like clicking on what you think is a casual 5 minute quiz to find a detailed philosophical exploration of the sub-conscious hidden within. 
After working my way through everything, most disappointingly, what I got was literally "nothing". I didn't find the explanation "those who use nothing are extremely powerful" particularly convincing, in my experience "those who use nothing" are seriously lacking in the personal finances side. 
On the plus side you are an extremely articulate and intelligent writer whose work seems free from the spelling errors and grammar mistakes that plague most of us. If this quiz was surprisingly in-depth it says good things about what your next story game is likely to be like: something deep and interesting. It is good to write stuff like this quiz to get used to the system, advanced editor, variables etc and I'm sure you'll put this experience to good use :) 3/8 for this story, perhaps a bit harsh but based on personal preference and for the reasons mentioned above it wasn't really my thing, though it did have many good features.

-Will11

3. http://chooseyourstory.com/story/in-the-pale-moonlight

This was a great game. I started reading before the contest results were announced and wasn’t surprised to hear it got 1st. Congrats. From the violent killings to the “calm before the storm” Lodge preparations, it was very impressive how you set the tone. 
*Spoilers* 
Let’s start with the things I enjoyed the most: The main character and his badassery, the lore, and the werewolf primal urges. 
The Main Character: Good ol’ Willy. Like the description states, you have completed 12 hunts and the game takes place on the 13th. There is an interesting background page regarding William’s childhood and father – I recommend finding it (I don’t think you’re forced into it). Rather than a generic Van Helsing knock-off, which would have been an easy pit to fall into, the MC has his own story and is shaped by his own unique past. 
The Main Character’s Badassery: Ok, I decided this gets a section of its own. You’re armed with a shotgun and a revolver. Pure badass. Depending on the choices you make, you become blessed by a prominent Nordic figure and make the Alpha Wolf your Alpha Bitch. Oh, and did I mention he smokes weed? 
The Lore: The game shows us an unseen war that has been going on for centuries that has elements from Catholicism and Norse Mythology. An ancient order that protects weak humans from terrifying beasts could easily turn cliché, and I think Steve did tremendously well keeping the reader from having an “I’ve been here before” feeling. 
The Primal Urges: HUNT! KILL! EAT! Need I say more? 
There wasn’t anything that jumped out as something the story desperately lacked or needed to change. I didn’t mind The Fool’s riddles; I thought it was a fun twist and a nice break to the dark, gloomy setting. There were a couple places where a title or sentence was mistyped, but that’s easily corrected and didn’t affect my rating at all. I read through two endings and was deeply entertained the whole time. 
-- ninjapitka on 11/15/2018 1:01:38 PM with a score of 0

4. http://chooseyourstory.com/story/escape-the-torture-mansion

I don't know anything about whatever the original fiction is. Even so, the content was colorful and interesting. I liked the rapid pacing of the game and the variety of different characters involved. Every step of the way, you would find yourself in a different scenario. You also did a good job with having different paths through the game. 
Here's what I would have liked to see different. The characters had a lot of flair, but most were only briefly in the story. If you had put a little more into each page, you could have taken advantage of the over-the-top characters, especially later on. I would have liked to see a little bit of setup for the story, even if it was just more reaction from the protagonist to their predicament. 
Another thing was that there were a lot of random death choices throughout the game. I like a little more rhyme or reason to the outcomes of my choices. The brevity of the deaths themselves was something I thought could have been different. It just felt like a factory line of wrong choices instead of adding to the experience. An epilogue would have been nice. 
The technical side wasn't too bad, some inconsistencies with writing, exclamation points felt overused to the point of losing their impact. Nothing was broken, though. 
Overall, it wasn't bad. It just felt like a bit of a cheap thrill.-- OriginalClamurai on 1/1/2019 3:12:53 PM

5. http://chooseyourstory.com/story/arakhan's-vengeance

I enjoyed playing Arakhan’s Vengeance. While it had less focus on storytelling, it was supported by great choices, interesting paths, and fun puzzles. It was clear that careful thought was placed into the choices. I liked how your character could branch off into different paths (the death scene with the children and playing cards made me laugh), and I will definitely replay the game for different endings. I also enjoyed how picking up items opened new choices. The world felt well-planned. The story had great grammar and spelling. Although it had quite a few punctuation errors, it didn’t take away the enjoyment. However, one aspect of the game that I felt needed improvement was the writing. 
The dialogue was fine. Sometimes, it felt unrealistic (mostly Arakhan’s lines felt very forced). There was good dialogue though, such as Joad’s and Riker’s parts. You did a good job at showing some people’s personalities through their lines, and I felt like you thought about their characters. I liked how you added bits of humor (an example being the bar scene when you hug your right-hand man). 
Meanwhile, the writing was simple and got its point across. There were a few somewhat immersive scenes with good descriptions, such as when Arakhan entered the town, saw the destruction, and smelled blood. However, for the most part, I felt that the matter-of-fact description held the story back and caused it to feel bare. It seemed that you often did more telling than showing which made it hard to empathize/connect with Arakhan. I felt like I didn't really get to know him. 
For example, when the official messenger told Arakhan what happened to Lyestra, it was meant to be a horrifying moment, but it honestly didn't feel very serious. I felt that more vivid descriptions and a deeper focus on emotions/senses could have enhanced the suspense and tragedy of the news. An example of how it might go is: 
. . . at that moment, a (young/old/dark-haired/light-haired) man comes hurtling through the bushes, his (color) cape flying behind him. He stumbles, (color) eyes widening at the sight of you. 
You freeze. Your hand falls from your sword. “Adonis?” 
“Arakhan!” the man cries, lunging forward and clinging onto your arms. “Thank the gods I’ve found you!” His legs suddenly buckle. You stumble back from his weight and grab his thin shoulders. “Hey, careful!” you snap. 
He trembles against you. Sweat runs down his (pale/tan/dark) skin as he pants, mouth struggling to form words. 
“Calm down,” you order, slowly releasing him. “Breathe.” 
As Adonis bends over and sucks air into his lungs, questions explode through your mind. Adonis is the official messenger of Lyestra, so it’s not unusual for him to travel around (etc. This is where you can add some background to him, showing why it’s unusual for him to be far out in the woods. For example, where is his horse? Is he dressed appropriately? What does he look like?) He lifts his arm and wipes his forehead against his sleeve. A dark splash of red grabs your attention. You snatch his wrist and stare at the blood seeping through his (insert color) shirt. (END OF EXAMPLE) 
In addition, you frequently wrote “you feel/hear/see” or “it appears”, and I felt that it could have been changed so the story feels more immersive. For example, rather than “You feel your heart sink/You feel his hatred wash over you like the tide/He appears to have sustained a nasty cut along his bicep”, it could be, “Your heart sinks/His hatred crashes over you like a tide/Dark blood oozes out from a deep, jagged cut on his bicep.” Or instead of “You are suddenly interrupted by an incredible crashing sound coming from behind you”, it could be: 
“Actually, Lodan, about that—” 
A sudden crash erupts behind you. (end of example) 
At times, I noticed you repeated yourself and could have been more concise. Here are several examples. The first one is when you’re describing the search for goblins. You wrote, “However, you told them you would like to make one last sweep of the area before you return home. You and your men have split up to search the area for any sign of the goblins. You are on your own, in a dense area of the woods. You are searching for any sign that the goblins were here.” I felt like it could have been condensed to: “However, you told them you would like to make one last sweep of the area before you return home, so you have all split up to search for signs of goblins. You are on your own in a dense area of the woods.” 
Another example is the description of an arrowhead, which I felt that could’ve been written with fewer sentences. You also kept repeating the word “arrowhead.” I felt that it could have been shortened to something like: “As you stare at the tree, you notice something that had escaped your search before. There is an arrowhead embedded in the trunk of the tree. Someone has snapped off the shaft. You yank it out and notice a small, white feather attached to it. You pull it off and spot a strange symbol painted on it, something you have never seen before. It’s a red, two-headed cobra that fills you with dread.” 
Overall, I loved reading the story. I enjoyed the various paths and puzzles, and you clearly worked hard on the choices. Like I said before, I’ll be replaying the story. I only wish it was longer because for how well-planned your world and characters were, the length seemed surprisingly short, like a mini adventure. I felt that the story’s main weakness was the writing. I thought a deeper focus on emotion/the five senses and more detailed descriptions would help the story feel more immersive. I hope you continue writing and submitting more games, and I wish you all the best!-- SummerSparrow on 4/4/2019 2:12:29 PM

6. http://chooseyourstory.com/story/surviving-pre~2dschool

This game captured the essence of childhood really well, it made me wish I was that age again through the child's thought process. I wish my problems involved dragons in books. :( 
It actually brought back a few of my own Kindergarten memories, so thanks for that I always enjoy a good memory flash in my brain. 
The extended metaphor of the prison was also very clever and well done. I liked how it started in the cot and then moved to the kindy. I interpreted it as the child's state of having no power over anything and feeling trapped. 
One thing that was a bit weird was the age of the kid. Kindy aged kids normally don't sleep in a cot or still breastfeed? 
I found the story very lighthearted and pretty funny. The transgender book thing was pretty good and I also enjoyed the mum dumping her kid and gapping it- it reminded me of my mum! 
Each page flowed seamlessly from each choice to the next and it felt like I was reading a book. It was easy to play and although short still had a pretty decent plot.
Definitely deserves to be in the top 10 for 2017, well done :)-- ghost11 on 1/16/2019 3:05:12 AM with a score of 0

7. http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-knight-order-of-the-golden-sun  (not sure if this and the following qualifiy since the game is fairly new?)

Out of nowhere, a man by the name of RND Gamer comes and writes 4x the amount of the other Corgi (not cori) contestants. Is this man a legend? Will his tremendously impressive word count help or hinder his story? Read and find out for yourself, you comment-lurking leech. Seriously though, if none of it is copied and pasted, then I applaud the hard work involved in getting to that number. 
As the description suggests, this storygame is written to be fun and humorous. I’m glad the author included that note since the title alone is obnoxious… and very similar to 3J’s masterpiece. Due to its nature, the beginning Disney movie cliché is very fitting. I mean, what’s more cliché than a princess trapped in a tower? Opening with a tavern brawl scene perhaps? It’s a fun, light-hearted opening scene though. Reminds me of a skit you’d see on SNL or a parody movie. 
I’m neutral on the POV switching. On one hand, it’s a creative way to switch scenes. It’s like a movie in that regard. It definitely keeps you on your toes since this is the first time I’ve see anyone incorporate POV switches. It is a bit confusing at first, but once you adapt it’s not a problem. Still, I’d prefer some narration to give context along with any POV change. 
I do think the writing style fits the story. It’s quirky. Although English isn’t the author’s first language, it’s not noticeable. That being said, there are a lot of weirdly structured sentences and I’m not sure if one can technically ‘nip’ at their tea. If the story tried to be serious, I don’t think I’d be able to handle the structure. Luckily, it doesn’t try. 
The dialogue and character interaction is sort of what you’d expect from a live play. It’s almost like every sentence a character speaks is outlandish and over the top with excitement. There is also heavy use of hyperbole almost like every dialogue option could determine the fate of the world (see what I did there). 
I have to admit, there was a point in the story where the length was too overwhelming without anything majorly happening. I rushed through 15 pages randomly selecting links and didn’t die. I think the author should have incorporated more ‘dead ends’. There’s a shit ton of content, but no way to lose for a long time (unless I just got lucky). The reason I rushed through the pages was to see if my choices really mattered. I know they do when you arrive at the variable section, but until then I felt like my choices didn’t determine much. I wanted to know if making a bad decision would kill me. They didn’t at first, although I do realize they could have just earned me less points. 
I think there was certainly a large amount of effort put into this storygame. Almost too much, if I’m being honest. That being said, the funny/weird story definitely fit the author’s strong points of writing. Although it was a large text wall to get over, it wasn’t unenjoyable along the way.-- ninjapitka on 4/15/2019 4:34:05 PM with a score of 5

8. 

Same story as above

I liked this story as a whole, It had some good plot twists that kept it interesting. I couldn’t tell what was going to happen at any point in the story, until they happened, maybe because it’s almost entirely dialogue, and there’s not really any descriptions or background knowledge given. I got epilogue B first, and then I got G and F in my second one (back button). 
PLOT: 
The overall plot was ok, but I felt like it was kind of linear. It really only divided up when you chose not to do something (like helping the ‘alchemist’). I also feel like this could be divided into several different short stories due to the way that you transitioned from one point to another. There was little deviation between the gender choices, but I could tell that it wasn’t like POF, using scripting, because there was a little more difference than just him/her and the name/title, so I’m guessing that there is a lot of copy and pasting. I didn’t really understand why the king would send his inexperienced son/daughter out, or even why they what the purpose of them going out was, and I wish that there was more of an explanation on what was going on, apart from the short little thing before I even start reading. 
SETTING: 
There was very little descriptions of where I was at. The most I got of the description of the capital is that is is grander than some other undescribed city. I didn’t even know that Valinor was on the water until the climax of the story. I really wish that you would have done some world building outside of dialogue. 
CHARACTERS: 
I felt like I had very weird control over my character. I could choose to do snobby things as well as heroic things throughout the story, which is a little weird for a spoiled prince/princess surrounded by his/her spoiled friends. I wish that my actions had more of an impact than just 2 seemingly meaningless numbers at the bottom of my screen. I did like how helping out/ being nice to some characters opened up some special choices later on however. There was a little description of the characters, but it’s not close to satisfactory. There wasn’t really any thoughts or emotion described. There wasn’t really any character interaction/chemistry and one of the worst things is that there isn’t a single love interest. 
GRAMMAR/SPELLING: 
I’ll blame the numerous mistakes on your claim of not being natively English, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t any. It’s very apparent that there are some, even without looking for them. I can understand what you’re trying to say, but me going back over a couple of times does take the immersion away. 
All in all, it was an ok read, but it is definitely a lot heavier in the quantity department then the quality one. It took me around 2-3 hours to read, which is pretty good. I’d give it a 5.5, which rounds up to a six, solely because I can tell that you put more time and effort into it than the average noob’s first story. -- Austinc on 4/15/2019 2:11:37 PM with a score of 250


Sucks to be New Zealand on 3/15/2019 3:56:22 PM

Thank you for your thoughts. This is really something no-one would have ever expected here and is wrong on so, so, many levels. 


Starting to write/ how to pace effectively on 3/11/2019 11:45:21 PM

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Starting to write/ how to pace effectively on 3/11/2019 11:37:39 PM

Yeah, I definitely agree with your point there. Writing in 2nd person for the first time was really odd and felt quite wrong, and having to use present tense also was quite uncomfortable for me. I haven't really experimented with writing in 1st or 3rd person for a CYOA yet, but I think I will prefer to remain more 'traditional' in that sense and stick to 2nd person perspective.      

One of the hardest things I've found about writing in second person is to make a choice whether it's a self inserted character (they play as themselves) or to create a character for the reader to play as. Both have their pros and cons, and I find I've kind of drifted over this issue so far and not really committed myself to a side. I initially planned on making it be a self-inserted character but then I found myself giving the main character a lot of distinctive personality traits...so I'll probably have to go back and re-do a lot of my work later. Which will be annoying, but needed.


Starting to write/ how to pace effectively on 3/11/2019 5:35:10 AM

After only starting to write fiction a couple months ago, there’s a lot of things that consistently trip me up when trying to write.

One thing I have found to be difficult when writing is pacing and specifically how to seamlessly change from dialogue into pieces of long descriptive writing and vice versa. I feel that when I attempt this it is a sudden change and can be disengaging for the reader.

Example from my writing (this passage follows a long-ish description of what has happened in the last 6 months):

 

Today marks six months since your arrival. You've learnt a lot, and every few days Christoph praises you, saying that Ayr is nearly perfect. Today is one of those days, and as you sit in the research lab he approaches you.

"You've done great kid! Your research is really helping us to make great progress with Ayr," he says with a smile.

 

I think that this example (above) is quite an awkward way to go about changing from a slow-paced description into fast paced dialogue. I’ve been trying to include a sort of ‘linking sentence’ like ‘Today is one of these days…’ but it still doesn’t feel quite right to me, and it’s also not something I can consistently use as it starts to become repetitive. 

On a similar note, I also find it hard to change from scenes of lots of description, (where nearly every second is accounted for) into a paragraph describing the events of the past day or so. When I try to do this, I find that it reads as very random and again can be quite disengaging. 

Anyway, that’s just what I’ve found the most difficult about writing so far. If anyone has any advice around this or wants to share what they have found difficult when starting out, go for it :) 

 


Help! How do I continue from my last save? on 2/15/2019 12:28:00 AM

go to 'My Stuff' and then go onto 'Saves', and press 'restore'. :) 


Has anyone read Six of Crows? on 2/9/2019 8:10:45 PM

yeah, was also pretty damn good. Amazing twists once again and I also loved exploring the backstory of the characters, especially Inej. They're just so cool, and even though some of them are pretty typical character types, (dark past, tortured, cold hearted- Kaz) it was so well done I didn't even care. I now want more books to explore the characters even more, I just really want to read more about them! Then again, I don't think a third book is really needed even though I will really miss Kaz, Inej and Jasper. And Matthias....  :((