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That Time I Saw 'IT' (includes spoilers, sorta)

11 days ago

  I don't know a lot about horror movies. My only memory of movie horror as a child was seeing 'Children Of The Corn' always pop up on cable and my sweet loving mother taking the remote out of my hands, warning me to "never, ever see that film, it's so scary and you like Sesame Street better anyway". Now that i'm a COOL ADULT, I can go see all the horror films I want. My friend was extremely hyped to see that new 'IT' film, and me, being innocent and available, was decidedly the best fit for her horrific scary-times adventure. Creepy clowns. Bloody explosions. Dead children, murder, mystery, inexplicable ominous rosy red balloons, the sewer...My eyes have seen it all.

It's not even scary, not even in the very slightest at all period.

  Watching 'IT' was kind of like watching 'Stranger Things', except a version of 'Stranger Things' where one of the cast member's phone keeps going off and the ringtone is the stereotypical scary times horror violin intensity noise. Ya know, the one that goes "reeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEE!!!" Yeah, that one. The thing is, 'IT' uses so many stereotypical horror tropes that it has this odd opposite effect where the tropes make it less scary. Very Steven King. I actually ended up giggling like a Japanese schoolgirl at most of the horrific scenes because all of the exploding blood, clowny creepiness and zombie shenanigans where so...so HAAAAAAA!! REALLY!! 

Really, if you're afraid of scary things, this film is a little too  "GOTTA GO FST" to really be a worry.

Also, every time Pennywise ran, I could only think of this

The kids were stereotypical but fun.

  I like kids. Kids doin' stuff, hang'n out, running from monsters, learning about friendship, etc. I used to be a kid, and frankly, I still am sort of a kid. Not a pedophile, though. Might be hard to convince you of that when I started off this section with 'I like kids'. 

  The film had this sort of theme that "ADULTS ARE WEIRD AND BAD, JEEZ GUYS" which while I don't think is exactly true, I can get behind and sympathize with to a certain extent. Main Character's dad has given up on finding his little brother ("GEORGIE IS DEAD! DEAD AND HE'S NEVER COMING BACK! YOU'RE TWELVE AND THIS MUST BE VERY HARD FOR YOU, BUT I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE THE POINT THAT I'M A BIG JERK AND YOUR LIL' BRO BRO IS TOTALLY ROTTING SOMEPLACE OKAY"), Frankie/Freddie's mom is a controlly germaphobe, and Best Girl's daddy touches her. Adults sure suck, especially when Steven King is trying to tell you that adults suck. How sucky!

Main Character is the main character. His job is to be the main character and worry about his little brother, who is Probably Rotting Somewhere. He's a loser, but in the awkwardly skinny way, so it's permissible for him to get the girl.

There was this one kid, Richie. Richie is the main kiddo boy from Stranger Things, but now he's a smartass with glasses. His job is to be 12 and say funny vulgar things like "Go blow your dad, you mullet wearing motherfucker!" and something about your mom having crabs. Half of the dialogue in the movie comes down to Richie implying that his dick is big, while the other half is people telling Richie to shut up.

Next in line is Frankie/Freddie. Frankie/Freddie is a nerd germaphobe in dolphin shorts who is worried about his asthma and his fanny pack. He and Richie form a sort of dynamic not unlike that of a bickering old married couple.

Fat Boy is the expositional character. He's a good kid who's job is not only tell everyone where the plot is going, but also to absorb all of the horrific slash damage with his noticeable gut without crying or the necessary medical attention. Like Main Character, he is a loser, but unlike Main Character, he is fat and not awkwardly skinny, so he can't get the girl.

Mike is a really cute dude who is black so he gets to experience racism. His job is have a convenient gun and get thrown around a lot, but also have PTSD about his family burning alive. He's black so nobody actually cares.

Best Girl is the best character. Not only is she super pretty-cute (this is a horror film, she has to be beautiful),  she is the most well-rounded character. She is brave and cool and I like her hair. Her daddy touches her though, which is pretty sad and actually made me feel feelings. Oh! Also, because this is Steven King, she has a thing with a period too.

Pennywise isn't the scariest thing in the movie

  Pennywise is an attention whore who is 90% bark. Yeah, he kidnaps children and he really needs to see a dentist, but the real scary monster is Henry. Henry is that "mullet-wearing motherfucker" who is an emotionally unchecked teen with a heart of human sadism. He lashes out violently and he only wishes to hurt others due to the fact that he's insecure and afraid and all that, and frankly, that is much more real and thus much more scary than any Gotta Go Fast J.P. Patches hybrid ever could be. He's a kid out for blood, and he presents a real and present danger to the children. 

Even with such a stabby teen, though, the movie doesn't issue a scream.

 

 

So the movie basically comes down to poop jokes and oddly vibrating zombies, but I wouldn't say it's a bad film. I wouldn't even say it's not bad. It's simply not terrifying, ya know? Some of the cg coulda been better, but watching the kids scrub a bathroom of psuedo period blood to some fresh tunes (SIX WAYS INTO MA HEEEEART!) was enjoyable. If you have a lotta extra cash and you don't care what you see, I mean, I guess have a blast. Just don't expect any shreeks. 

'IT' is semi-entertaining film that teaches us that with the power of friendship, bravery and gang violence, we can overcome any fear. 

Also I just realized I spelt Stephan King's name wrong through this entire thing, but I hope you understand.

 

That Time I Saw 'IT' (includes spoilers, sorta)

10 days ago

Actually it's "Stephen" King just sayin

That Time I Saw 'IT' (includes spoilers, sorta)

10 days ago

In fairness, diabetic, sentient croissants very rarely get the girl