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Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Here's the feedback thread, as promised. You can put all your comments and critiques about other writers' entries for the exercises here for the time being. Please remember, the exercises are for fun and some of the writers participating are new. Offering pointers is highly encouraged, but all critiques should be constructive and all comments should be civil.
 

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Week One! So, what did you guys think?

Respond here for any "week one" critiques, comments, praise, pointers, exc.

@31TeV @ecoLyte @TheNewIAP @Ogre11 @SpartacustheGreat @Morgan_R @Swiftstryker @betaband @nmelssx @Sethaniel @Malkalack @Chris113022 @Briar_Rose @MatGods @Deathdefender @Wolfmist @bjhovey @LeoScales7 @AWarriorFan @FazzTheMan @Claw2k11 @Romulus

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

@Ogre11 I liked how you made it all one story. It was a cute, funny ending, too.

@Morgan_R nice subtlety. you were a lot less overt than most of the other examples with your choice of emotions.  

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

My feedback for Monday's exercise! ^^ (Tueday's feedback will have to wait, sorry. Busy and exhausted.)

@Romulus It's hard to tell exactly what the emotion is in the first sentence. 'Solemn' could mean anything. Sorrow, grief, acceptance, peace... it has nice imagery, though. I'd definitely say two is anger. I ... do not know what the third one is. Is it bad that five made me smile? xD Good work, over all.

@Ogre11 I think it was an interesting idea to make sentences that all connected to each other. I liked what you wrote and the concept is easily relatable. It's not hard to feel sympathetic for Julie here, with the disappointment she's feeling ... and that's good. However, there's a bit of an issue. At the start of the scene, he's easily picked up on her disappointment. He may not know the extent of why, but he definitely knows something is wrong and he's trying to think of a way to "recover" from it.

However, in the second to last sentence, you say he was "oblivious to the change" which, from the sequence of events, "the change" can only reasonably be the sudden outward brightening of Julie's mood. He starts smiling and acting calm again, so he can't be oblivious to that change. I have a feeling you meant to say something else, something about him being oblivious to what's going on inside her head, but it's not written that way. Still, good work.

@nmelssx I liked your sentences, though I'm ... not sure "emotionless" counts as an emotion. :P Still, I'm willing to accept stoicism. Good job.

@Morgan_R As Seth said, subtlety is nice, though I can't say I was always certain which emotion you were going for. They were beautifully written sentences, nonetheless. I'd be very interested to hear more about the crippled character ... and the one in the last sentence. I guess, with all my desire to lean towards the optimistic side of things, I take some twisted pleasure out of seeing harsh reality put to paper.  Nice work.

@Swiftstryker Having a bit of trouble figuring out what happened here. Your sentences are ... where? I see one up top and I suspect those last three lines are not part of the scene. Can't find the fourth and I can't really score something I can't find. ^^' I commend your imagination, though, the scene was quite picturesque.  It could use some polishing, but it was interesting. I'm curious about the "just like her mom" bit and I get the feeling I'm missing some crucial details here. Good job.

@Sethaniel ... I liked what you wrote, but it's hard to tell that this is actually in response the exercise instructions. I'm assuming the emotions are anger, fear, lust, confusion, surprise, embarrassment, and ...gratitude and happiness? I'm not sure. I also don't know which of these were intended as your five sentences, since there are eight of them.

@Wolfmist I commend you on doing both the first and the bonus project in a way that made it easy to distinguish the two. (On the first sentence, it should really be "welled up" because, otherwise, it sounds off.) Do proof-read your work a little closer, though. Like with this part: "Wait," Malcolm  "Scarlet means nothing to me. You're the only one I-"
Malcolm ... what, exactly? Said? Pleaded? Shouted? Whispered? Implored? Also, I don't think you meant to use the word "detested" in that context. I think you meant something more like "protested." Detested means to severely dislike something. If you -did- mean it that way, then what did he detest, exactly? Not a bad scene, over all, though. Good job.

@TheNewIAP I liked your sentences. If I had to choose one that I'd like to see more of, I'd be between 2 and 5. Good work.

@Malkalack ... Uh. Huh? 0.o One, there are only four sentences here and two, I ... can't discern what emotions you were going for at all. For the first, insanity is not an emotion. Fear is, sure, but ... accepting that, what was that brief rant about porn for?

@LeoScales7 Sentence 1 - I think you meant "my" one true companion, but yeah. Sentence 2 - Nice. I like this one. Sentence 3 - Sappy, in a good way. Sentence 4 - Ahh, young love. So glad that awkward phase is over. Sentence 5 - This had me laughing out loud, I was pleased by the meta-humor. My one complaint: "he pitifully struggled to come with five entirely original sentences." ("To come with"? Might be missing a word there, I think.)

@MatGods Great work for someone so new to the site. The third sentence would flow a little smoother if "that" was changed to "the" ... I'd also add a comma after "again" and an ellipsis after "impossible" for dramatic effect. 4 and 5 were the most interesting to me, personally.

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

I feel that I should apologize for yesterday's post.  I was so busy that I didn't have the time for a decent effort, but I didn't want to skip the very first exercise.  If I can find the time (even though it won't be for points), I'll expand one of the sentences as my punishment gift to you.  ;)

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Lol, no, don't apologize! Again, the first goal is fun, so do as much as you personally want to do, but I'm offering critiques because the second is goal is still personal improvement. Trust me, though, we're just getting started. There will be a ton of exercises in the future and you'll have more chances to push yourself if you like. 

Personally, I'm just pleased that so many people participated in the first exercise. When I decided to do this, I wasn't sure I'd even get more than one or two people to join in, but seeing all of the quick responses and the efforts you guys are making has been super encouraging.
 

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

The absent details were intentional about her mom, but I did this within a 13 min. timespan lolol

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Mhm. You don't have to rush if you don't want to, though. You've got the whole day ... hell, by the way I plan to tally score, you actually have all week. Still not sure where your fifth sentence is, though.

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

I just numbered them...

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

@Malkalack ... Uh. Huh? 0.o One, there are only four sentences here and two, I ... can't discern what emotions you were going for at all. For the first, insanity is not an emotion. Fear is, sure, but ... accepting that, what was that brief rant about porn for?

I don't fucking know... Furthermore, who says it's insanity? And the porn thing was.... I don't bloody know. 

Also, don't be shocked if I don't follow directives exactly. Or at all. 

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

*shrug* O ... kay, then, far be it from me to stifle anyone's creativity. Guess I'll just adjust the scoring a bit, I was going to have to for a few other people anyway, I think. 

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

@Ogre11 Yes! xD I was hoping at least one person would manage to live up to some of the ridiculous combinations I had in my head for a pair of lovers...

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago
Hopefully no one has a Mt Dew in hand when they read that one...

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

OHMYGOD, KIEL IS ACTUALLY PROVIDING FEEDBACK AGAIN. XD ... Yeah.
 

Week One, tuesday sentence review:

@Sethaniel - Not a full entry, but I liked your sentences and I appreciate the efforts you did make in spite of being busy, hope to see you back more.

@TheNewIAP - I'd really love to see a story from you, you know. Just couldn't help thinking that while reading your entries. The sentences were good and interesting. The second one was, unfortunately, what got to me on a personal level. =\

@Swiftstryker - Ellipses are supposed to have spaces between them and their surrounding words, but ignoring that, I'm sure everyone can relate to how lovely a good soak (or at least shower) feels after being thoroughly dirty. xD The body horror soup was also appreciated because ... I'm just a sick person, I guess. The last sentence really intrigued me.

@ISentinelPenguinI - Again, Ellipses need spaces (which is something I didn't even know until not that long ago,) but great sentences as usual. The bonus was nasty and I mean that in the most complimentary way possible. Would've liked to hear more.

@FazzTheMan - Not a full entry, but the second one made me want to hear more. Actually, all three of them did.

@Malkalack - You certainly have been a wildcard for these exercises. I wish it hadn't been cut off so suddenly, it was interesting.

@LeoScales7 - One of the most faithful entrants so far. To give a very belated answer to your question because I can't remember if I ever did answer it, I counted it. The first sentence gave a good depiction of a self-righteous, narcissistic ass, so well done. I think you also did very well on the second one, creating an accent. The last one was rather poetic.

@betaband - Your first sentence makes me sad, your fourth sentence made me laugh out loud at the time, so... xD thank you for the balance and I enjoyed your interpretations of my challenge.

@MatGods - No need for apologies. The comma of the first sentence goes inside the quotes, though, and if you're going to emphasize an accent, I'd suggest writing in the style of the accent as much as possible with the words said--or, as much as the character's accent thickness would dictate. The second sentence's structure would demand for the man to have "raised" his hands, not "rose," but the -second- "rose" is correct. I did understand the second sentence and, on that note, they were all very good, just needed polishing.

@Ogre11 - I liked your idea of using my exercises as an excuse to get more work done on your actual stories. I've actually done the same in the past. I also really liked your bonus.
 

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Week One, Wednesday sentence review:

@LeoScales7 - xD I don't know if it was your intention, but the first one made me laugh. As for number 3, I know that feel, bro. I laughed at the randomness of four. As for five, Ellipses need a space between them and their surrounding words. I think your bonus was well done and I liked it, good job.

@Swiftstryker - Interesting musing and that's the first time I've heard the phrase "would that be too much of a unicorn?" (Which, by the by, needs a question mark, not a period.) I liked the bonus. *urge to spout some scientific babbling on both gender and unicorns, refrains,* 2 was interesting, too. 3 was amusingly poetic. Ellipses need spaces~ and I do enjoy a good vampire scene.

@ISentinelPenguinI - Thank you for clearly marking your sentences. I cannot help but appreciate well formatted entries. Your bonus was amazing and though I've seen a lot of incredible entries here, I have to admit to being particularly impressed by this one. I do think you could make an RP out of this, and that at least -something- can and should be derived from whatever muse sparked it.  

@Ogre11 - xD I can't explain why, but 3 made me smile. Unfortunately, I can't ... actually tell which sentence that your bonus went to, but I liked it nonetheless.

(=\ Already there was a decline in participation.)

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago
The phrase is based on this video. When I first watched it, a friend rated me a Y=10 and an X=5. I punched his diaphragm first thing on Monday.

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

xD Well, I could only sit through about half of that before getting too bored...

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

*Watch it with your girlfriends, gayfriends, and tran-curiosos.  It's a hilarious time xD

Drugged up peers are even funnier when they laugh at it so hard for nothing.

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Week One, Thursday sentence review:

@Ogre11 - Did not disappoint at all, I loved your interpretation and your tragic ending, though for it's comedic effect. xD I think a bit of silliness to break up the seriousness of these subjects is really enjoyable ... hell, even necessary.

@TheNewIAP - Great work. I particularly like the first and last, but I think they were all well done. The bonus was beautiful, concise and bittersweet.

@LeoScales7 - Good sentences, fantastic bonus. I did find it poetic and I'm sure, given the opportunity to know these characters even better, it would be a tear jerker, but for the limited space and time given, it was well written. Well done.

@FazzTheMan - Ahh, the frog prince if it ended badly. That, or bestiality. Not sure. Either way, good job. 

@Malkalack - Interesting sentences, particularly that last one. The bonus reminds me of a more twisted, but less deep version of Mal and Cobb from Inception. It's a good concept, could make for an interesting story.

@Swiftstryker - 1: You have a twisted imagination. I am intrigued. 2: Wish I knew more. 3: Nice gore. Interesting. 4: Ahh, buttsex, and the fact that some of us just don't do it. xD I think, out of everyone, you may have included the most amount of implied / actual murder thus far. 5: *cough* I think you meant "loss" not "lost."

(Decent participation here.)

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Week One, Thursday sentence review:

@Ogre11 - xD I think your entire set up was funny, frankly, so this one was a bit less for you, but I think you ended this week on a good note, so good job.

@Malkalack - Dammit, man! >_>' Stop leaving us hanging on interesting scenes...! For shame.

@LeoScales7 - Charming, and it did manage to get a little chuckle out of me. As for the super bonus, it can be summed up in a single noise that women everywhere would make after reading it... "D'awwwwww...!" (A noise that I do not make. >_> Ever. I'm too manly for that! YOU HEARD NOTHING!)

@Swiftstryker - Sad to see this not continued, but it was a good premise, I think.

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

What's this thing all about? Writing exercises? Explain.

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

I've explained multiple times already, and so has Morgan, but here:

Interest thread: http://chooseyourstory.com/forums/writing-workshop/message/15120 (The text in bold is for new comers.)

First week of exercises thread: http://chooseyourstory.com/forums/writing-workshop/message/15147

 

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Hmmm.... Interesting.

I would like to ty, but I see that this week is taken... how about next one?

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

@GrottyStatute74 ... What? It's not "taken," you can join at any time.

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

You mean I can write something right now? If I can, do I just send it to you, or what?

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Nevermind what I just said, I know how to submit it to you...

I can really join any time... Like now?

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5 years ago

Today, tomorrow, next week, yesterday...whenever you want.  You can even do Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday's exercises (but I doubt you'll get points for it) for the practice and fun of it.

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Since I'm pretty sure you want to, I'll go ahead and add you to the list now. Yes. Go ahead and participate.

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago
Yes, now.

Wait.

When will THEN be NOW?

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

I'm writing furiously right now. If no one else submits one, I'll be dissappointed, since this has the greatest comedic potential of any of the other prompts.

If I have time, I'll post some feedback as well, because I am a procrastinator.

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

I'm not surprised that people are kind of slow on this one. As I said, dates are difficult. I don't know why, but writers shy away from them. Still, two posts so far. I'll try to add a third soon.
 

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Pff, what could possibly be wrong with writing a.... *rereads*

Oh... Oh God, I'm terrible at this...

...I require a moment...

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

... Jesus, Sent. I'm impressed. xD All I have time to say atm.

Apologies to everyone else, I'm exhausted, but I'll catch up on feedback when I can.

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5 years ago

I'm terrible at writing sad things, they always come off melodramatic when I reread them, so I'm going to focus on finishing yesterday's bonus,

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5 years ago

Ah, but that's the beauty of doing stuff like this. You can try things you normally wouldn't and step out of your comfort zone. It doesn't actually have to be good, the point is to learn from making the effort. :) I think you'll like the next exercise, though. :P

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Is it a bit dangerous to write about an overly aggressive gay dude who doesn't like Chex mixing with the same variety?

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

xD ... Go for it.

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5 years ago

I already did D:

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

I haven't actually read all the entries. I just woke up, lol.

Edit: Ah. I was hoping that the mention of Chex meant that he was in love with a cereal. Anyway, I promise I'll catch up on feedback soon.
 

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Week Two! So, what did you guys think?

Respond here for any "week two" critiques, comments, praise, pointers, exc.

@31TeV @ecoLyte @TheNewIAP @Ogre11 @SpartacustheGreat @Morgan_R @Swiftstryker @betaband @nmelssx @Sethaniel @Malkalack @Chris113022 @Briar_Rose @MatGods @Deathdefender @Wolfmist @bjhovey @LeoScales7 @AWarriorFan @FazzTheMan @Claw2k11 @Romulus @ISentinelPenguinI @GrottyStatute74

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

@Romulus AND @TheNewIAP - Though I wouldn't normally combine a review, I can say the same thing about both your entries. I haven't cracked a smile like that over anything on here in a while. xD Maybe I'm a little biased by my fondness for those characters, but I would absolutely love to see either premise turned into a story game. Biases aside, I honestly think it could potentially rival the best of the comedies we have here. My favorites, out of the sentences you both did, were IAP's third (Steaks! xD) and Romulus' fifth. (xD I can picture Sherlock menacingly offering to 'super size it' for him now... and it is glorious.) Also, thank you for the clean formatting. It's not required, but it makes things easier on me.
 
@Malkalack - The idea of a Cthulu-like abomination becoming a normal teen is awesome, imho. I would also totally play that game.
 
@ISentinelPenguinI - I can only conclude, in response to your question, that my face is extroardinarily fun to punch. xD I have never tested this theory personally, but if I ever find a suitable means of doing so, I'll let you know. Your entry was enjoyable to read and well-written. I do have a bit of a soft spot for "east-meets-west" stories. ^^ Also, thanks for numbering your reactions.
 
@LeoScales7
- I appreciated the dramatic variations between your possible responses. I also found the bonus pretty funny. xD Had I chosen which reaction you'd follow up on out of any of them, that probably would've been it. My one complaint, had this been a published story, would've been the somewhat messy punctuation.
 
@Ogre11 - Ahh, the classic "Knight in New York" type story. ^^ A fun one. I would've appreciated if you made the multiple reactions a bit more distinguished from each other. They flow together, which is great for a single, cohesive scene, but it doesn't -really- feel like separate reactions here...
 
@Wolfmist
- Bad? Not all at. They're coherent, no glaring errors, displayed multiple emotions, follows the exercise, and is a good premise for a story ... the numbering is appreciated, also, btw. I'd like to see the bonus, though.

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago
Fair enough. I was trying for different reactions, different emotions for each one.

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Honestly, I've lost interest in this. Maybe I'll jump in later. Ciao!

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Yeah, I was expecting at least a few of the people who jumped in would immediately jump back out... easy come, easy go. Anyway, as I said, anyone can join at any time, so see you later-ish maybe.
 

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

I haven't read any of them yet, I'll try to find the time to do so this afternoon.

Thanks for your feedback, @Kiel_Farren.  I was hoping for funny.  :)  It took me longer to do this exercise than any other so far.

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5 years ago

That moment when I exceeded 120 WPM writing the passage.

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5 years ago

Yeah, I saw that. @_@ Impressive. I don't have time for a full review atm, but... *whistles*

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5 years ago

I'm sorry for pulling a Swift, but it had to be done! Creative juices were practically oozing onto my keyboard...

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5 years ago

Lol, no apologies, please. I'm really glad to see you guys get inspired.

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5 years ago

@Ogre11 That TM got me laughing XD

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5 years ago
Glad to hear it! Which one, now?

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5 years ago

Dark Secret xD

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5 years ago
I'm starting to wonder if there's an entire CYS story in there somewhere... you, as the exploring Moon Rock, finding the legendary wheel...

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5 years ago

:P That would actually be my third, unstated goal for all of this. Personal betterment, fun ... and the potential to get you guys creatively charged so that we might get a few new, good story games up and running.

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5 years ago
So we can look forward to a week of prompts having to do with cats... who live in clans... and occasionally fight... ;)

(Sorry, I couldn't resist).

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5 years ago

I said good games.

... Doubtful. I do not have any animal themes in the works right now.

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5 years ago

Week Two! (looks like I slacked off on indicating where to comment, sorry) So, what did you guys think?

Respond here for any "week two" critiques, comments, praise, pointers, exc.

@31TeV @ecoLyte @TheNewIAP @Ogre11 @SpartacustheGreat @Morgan_R @Swiftstryker @betaband @nmelssx @Sethaniel @Malkalack @Briar_Rose @MatGods @Deathdefender @Wolfmist @bjhovey @LeoScales7 @AWarriorFan @FazzTheMan @Claw2k11 @Romulus @ISentinelPenguinI @GrottyStatute74 @WarriorCatsRPS @Confused

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5 years ago

Week Three! Posting this ahead of time for when we get entries!

Respond here for any "week three" critiques, comments, praise, pointers, exc.

@31TeV @ecoLyte @TheNewIAP @Ogre11 @SpartacustheGreat @Morgan_R @Swiftstryker @betaband @nmelssx @Sethaniel @Malkalack @Briar_Rose @MatGods @Deathdefender @Wolfmist @bjhovey @LeoScales7 @AWarriorFan @FazzTheMan @Claw2k11 @Romulus @ISentinelPenguinI @GrottyStatute74 @WarriorCatsRPS @Confused

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5 years ago

I bet I'm gonna get third again.

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5 years ago

@Ogre11

I decided to read your sentences (because as of writing this, our sentences are the only responses posted for Monday), and I like them for the most part.

What I didn't like (a personal preference, really), was the lack of severity for your "sins sentences." The virtue ones were okay in this regard, because one expects things involving virtue to be rather mild and/or nice. On the other hand, when I think of sin (and especially the "seven DEADLY sins"), I think of depravity, raw force and presence. I need to FEEL the evil. I just didn't get that from most of your sentences; they appeared to be very mild.

It may just be me, and my tendency to include a lot of (sometimes graphic) detail, but I figured I might as well give feedback.

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago
Hey, thanks for that feedback! That's a good point. I'm not sure if I intentionally avoided going too extreme, or if I was going for moderate versions.

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Shit! I'm WAY behind on feedback!

Week Uno:

Day Uno:

Kiel_Farren: Those were really great sentences! Honestly! I remember writing the same thing the last three times I tried to write reviews for everyone in Week One something along the lines of, "Every situation and emotion you wrote was so frukking interesting, that even if the story after it was 30 pages of "lulzp33k warrer katzz" I would have at least read 20 of those pages in a desperate effort to devour the story behind such spectacular opening lines.

Romzy: Excellent writing there. For every sentence you wrote, I could almost feel the emotion that you were trying to convey, and that's something that usually takes at least 5 sentences to do!

Ogre: That was pretty great too. I like how you used so many emotions for one reaction. You really conveyed the complexity of relationships there. And your bonus was good too, an interesting opening to a story indeed.

Nmelssx: That was, uhh, great. Mildly disturbing, of course, but, uhh.... Good job, buddy!

Morgan_R: Being a detached creature, I couldn't understand the intricacies of the emotions you were trying to convey. What I read were great sentences, but they were two happy ones, and then three really fucking sad ones.

Swift: That transition from sentence to bonus back to sentences was a little bit difficult for my tiny brain at first, but I got around to realizing what was going on eventually. That was a really good. Like, I don't even know what more to say about it, it was just good. (I did read it! Honest!) You were able to clearly establish a situation in such a subtle way, which is a skill not many writers have.

Seth: That was also an interesting scene there... Although, honestly, I'm not sure if I would even dare do that in front of anyone's dad. That kid's got some balls.

Wolfmist: Nice sentences you got there. They were all pretty interesting story openers, and the way you elaborated on that in the scene was nice.

IAP: Again, incredibly interesting sentences. These are the kinds of words that people sell for copious piles of money at Barnes and Noble.

Malkalack: And I thought Nmelssx's sentences were messed u- DAMMIT, WHY DIDN'T YOU ADD MORE LATER!?

LeoScales: Very colorful and poetic vocabulary you have there. They had an excellent taste to them when read out loud.

MatGods: Also great sentences. A Grammar error snuck its way in there and lightly slapped my wrist, but that was about it. An entertaining read to be sure.

Fazz: That was great. They did suffer from Semicolon Cancer and Comma,nitis, but it was entirely worth fitting it all into one gorgeous opening line.

Day II:

Sethaniel: I spent the whole day after that wondering what the twisted metal could possibly be. I came to the conclusion that it must have been the macguffin to end all macguffins, but that made me want to read more.

IAP: Another amazing job. They really made me want to hear the stories behind them.

Kiel_Farren: Another day of great sentences. I thanked the typing gods that you made a bonus about the sentence that was killing me with unbelievable curiosity... But that just made the mystery even more unbearable! Grr...

Swift: Very... Bongy, I'm not gonna lie. But who am I to criticize that? Surrealism is a favorite genre of mine.

ISentinelPenguinI: TL;DR.

Fazz: A very intriguing scene. I don't know what else to say about it that wouldn't put me on the NSA watch list.

Malkalack: You know, you should really read Flan by Stephen Tunney. I think it would improve your murder ritual scenes substantially. Don't stop until you reach the end, either.

Leoscales7: Also some pretty nice sentences. I couldn't tell what accent you were trying to convey with sentence two, but typing phonetically is tricky business.

Betaband: Sentence one and two grabbed my interest and held on for dear life.

Matgods: Also some very interesting sentences. I have a feeling that the stress of my curiousity is going to amount to heart problems sometime soon...

Ogre: A very interesting and unique scene. It made me want to read more, since I'm the kind of person whose biggest question for anything is "Why, why, why?" but it was really cool. *puts another dollar in the 'interesting' jar.*

Day Third:

Leoscales: Nice sentences, as usual, but... Honestly, I don't know why anyone would feel energized or Lol-filled by the theme song of an insurance commercial. Is that a thing now? I;ve heard it a lot now used out of context. Even Neil Patrick Harris is pulling that shit. Very cute scene, you have a talent.

Swift: Nice scene, but the way the first sentence was introduced felt a little bit non-sequitur to the rest. Other than that, great work. The rest of the sentences were all an excellent mixed bag, I Lol'd at some and sat in anticipation for others.

Kiel_Farren: Very nice, very romantic sentences there. And not in the ignorant Don-Quixote way. Even the things that weren't romantic were just beautiful. I swear, every time you touch a keyboard, you write Bruce Campbell's chin... I think it's clear by now that I didn't sleep last night...

ISentinelPenguinI: Tabletop meta-jokes are SOOOO 2014.

Ogre: My only complaint is that I really would have liked to know what the two characters were thinking, but that's part of the mystery.

Too lazy to do the rest of the days:

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5 years ago

Wow, Sent. Thanks for your very active participation in the feedback here, haha. I'm sure everyone is encouraged. :D

As for myself ... thank you for the praise and particularly the interest. That one scene that you were curious about stems from a story idea that's been rattling around in my head for ages, I've just never gotten around to it. (The praise is especially welcome on the romance thing. I've always felt like I could never write a goddam date to save my life. xD)

"Bruce Campbell's chin"? Lol. Hmm. The man does have a particularly manly chin. Sleepy silliness aside, I am grateful for the kind comments ... and I feel guilty for letting my progress drop off after that. *sigh* Next week, though! Next week, I will make a come-back. xD

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Thanks.  (I hope you meant it as a compliment, because that is how I intend to take it).  I'm going to have to pull some of the irons out of the fire and participate more in the writing exercises and feedback.

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5 years ago

Pff, how could "You could be a successful, prestigious author whose books are sold at the most awesome store known to mankind" possibly be taken as an insult!?

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5 years ago

Thanks.  (Never again will I doubt the sincerity of a penguinite.)

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5 years ago

Never wrote an abusive rape-mother before.  Did I do well?  o.o

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5 years ago

It wasn't bad. The grammar and writing style were very nice.

The only issue that I had was minor, and it was that I needed a little bit more in terms of the abusiveness. Sure, the mother came off as a complete bitch, but maybe some brief descriptions or just more writing (I feel as though this is a set-up for a story) could have added to make it feel more real.

Then again, I read your thing at 5:00 in the morning, so...I may be wrong.

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5 years ago

Week Four! Posting this ahead of time for when we get entries!

Respond here for any "week four" critiques, comments, praise, pointers, exc.

@31TeV @ecoLyte @TheNewIAP @Ogre11 @SpartacustheGreat @Morgan_R @Swiftstryker @betaband @nmelssx @Sethaniel @Malkalack @Briar_Rose @MatGods @Wolfmist @bjhovey @AWarriorFan @FazzTheMan @Claw2k11 @Romulus @ISentinelPenguinI @GrottyStatute74 @WarriorCatsRPS @Confused @jamescoker1226 @pinkalily21

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5 years ago

We're definitely slowing down at this rate, going from a few to almost zero.  Perhaps a week of rest is in order?

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5 years ago

I'd say so, myself. Plus, I am (gradually) running out of ideas. I only have two more weeks planned.

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5 years ago

Zombie Monday:

@ISentinelPenguinI

I thought you approach to writing about the Grim Reaper personified was very creative. The way he lamented his fate and simply wished it could be less of a problem to them tugged at my heartstrings. Am I correct in assuming that the reason the Grim Reaper reacts with guilt and tries to calm the sick person is because he mentioned how addicted he was to life? Maybe he had some facial expression or other sign that he was about to just go for the kill? I didn't catch it the first time and thought the line that was upsetting the sick person was "It seems the only people willing to sit down and talk with me are people like you. Sick, dying people who were about to see me anyway." but after re-reading the passage I'm not so sure. At any rate, nicely done!

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5 years ago

I'm a lazy ass, so I figured I'd skip to week five and then not update further.

Zombie Monday: (Aha, I see what you did there, Kiel!)

Malkalack: You were absolutely fucking hilarious. My insides are bursting with the will to read Farmer John when it's finished.

Nightbirdblue: That's really a new way of looking at Zombie Apocalypse survivors. It made me think about the protagonists of TLOU, and wonder why the hell anyone sympathized with them, just like I did at the end of the game.

Ogre: You lampshaded the old tropes in an excellent and classy way. I like how you highlighted in your bonus how they probably all died. Of course in real life they'd all make a horrible team!

Neo: A really interesting and creative take on it. I really wanted to read more, but you cut me off, dammit!

 

Vampire Tuesday

Ogre: Interesting sentences, as usual. It's cool how you strayed from the obvious route and kept it realistic.

Jamescoker: It's a very well thought-out portrayal of the Vampire you wrote there. And a little bit sad, if I remember correctly. It could've just been because I was feeling particularly depressed that day for unrelated reasons, I'm not sure if you actually meant for your story to make me feel sad or not. I'll reread it.

ISentinelPenguinI: ... Meh, I like the Sims 3's grim reaper better. No offense.

 

Werewolf Wednesday: 

31TeV: Excellent, man! I didn't see that one coming at all! I've heard of a similar twist before, even read one such story, but you accomplished anything that story could've made me feel in even less words! That's powerful.

bjhovey: That was really interesting. To be honest, I wasn't expecting that one at all either... It could've been better explained, but that one socked me in the face with the frozen mackerel of surprise just as well.

Jamescoker: A very methodical look at the werewolf's condition. I've already had my suspicions that you were a were-fox in real life, and the fact that you were able to think of this more or less confirms my theory. But I'm pretty sure that if anyone would survive being a werewolf, it would be you.

ISentinelPenguinI: Furfag scum!

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5 years ago

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it, haha. I'm sorry for cutting you off? I felt it was already getting too long but I couldn't help writing one more passage. Maybe I'll make it into a storygame someday. I'm definitely going to do the bonus, I just need to get past my writer's block first.

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5 years ago

Week Five!

Respond here for any "week five" critiques, comments, praise, pointers, exc.

@31TeV @ecoLyte @TheNewIAP @Ogre11 @SpartacustheGreat @Morgan_R @Swiftstryker @betaband @nmelssx @Sethaniel @Malkalack @Briar_Rose @MatGods @Wolfmist @bjhovey @AWarriorFan @FazzTheMan @Claw2k11 @Romulus @ISentinelPenguinI @GrottyStatute74 @WarriorCatsRPS @Confused @jamescoker1226 @pinkalily21 @NeoTheCreator @jaryeth @DerpBacon @Penworth @Loki

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5 years ago

Week Six!

Respond here for any "week six" critiques, comments, praise, pointers, exc.

@31TeV @ecoLyte @TheNewIAP @Ogre11 @SpartacustheGreat @Morgan_R @Swiftstryker @betaband @nmelssx @Sethaniel @Malkalack @Briar_Rose @MatGods @Wolfmist @bjhovey @AWarriorFan @FazzTheMan @Claw2k11 @Romulus @ISentinelPenguinI @GrottyStatute74 @WarriorCatsRPS @Confused @jamescoker1226 @pinkalily21 @NeoTheCreator @jaryeth @DerpBacon @Penworth @Loki

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

Week Seven! (posting this in advance for future feedback)

Respond here for any "week seven" critiques, comments, praise, pointers, exc.

@31TeV @ecoLyte @TheNewIAP @Ogre11 @SpartacustheGreat @Morgan_R @Swiftstryker @betaband @nmelssx @Sethaniel @Malkalack @Briar_Rose @MatGods @Wolfmist @bjhovey @AWarriorFan @FazzTheMan @Claw2k11 @Romulus @ISentinelPenguinI @GrottyStatute74 @WarriorCatsRPS @Confused @jamescoker1226 @pinkalily21 @NeoTheCreator @jaryeth @DerpBacon @Penworth @Loki

Writing Exercises: Feedback 1

5 years ago

@Swiftstryker

"While this may cause her to APPEAR as a Heart character, she might be something different entirely in true nature."

Hmm ... :P I dunno, swift ... "While still maintaining their morals and at least most of their general 'Heart' characteristics." Still, I must commend you on an interesting cast.

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5 years ago

She's moral...so long as she has someone in mind to consider.  ^-^

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5 years ago

Fair enough. :P Well, while I don't exactly have much to compare your effort to on this particular week, you did a great job.