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Dialogue writing/grammar rules advice

4 years ago
Suppose character A says something to character B. Character B has a physical response, and then a verbal one. Where do I put the physical response? In the same paragraph as character A's comment, or in the same paragraph as character B's comment? My instinct says the latter, but I don't know the rule on this.

Por ejemplo:

"Your father will never let us be together," said Rothschild through the thin window curtain separating him from the royal suite. "You know how I feel, but you know how your father feels, too, Cynthia. No sane man would stand up to him."

Her anger roused, Cynthia defiantly threw her panties out the window, narrowly missing Rotchild's immaculately square-jawed face. "I know how my father feels," said the girl. "But I also know how you feel. I know how you feel inside of me, Rothschild, and that is all that matters to me." She opened the curtain and reached out to Rothschild, her nubile body sinking deeply into the warm ocean of his embrace.

In this overly dramatic, idiotic example, the "action" that character B responds with is "Cynthia defiantly threw her panties out the window, narrowly missing Rotschild's immaculately square-jawed face." I am assuming that that piece of action needs to be tied to the paragraph of Cynthia's dialogue. But am I wrong? Or is it optional? If it is, what is better?

What about less obvious "paragraph starter" physical responses, like, say, "Cynthia nods her head"?

Dialogue writing/grammar rules advice

4 years ago
I don't see anything wrong with the example aside from it being out of a third rate harlequin.
I often see your second example in the same sentence as dialogue, but I think @Gower could tell you definitively if it is acceptable.

Dialogue writing/grammar rules advice

4 years ago
Thanks. If anyone else has any additional clarity it would be appreciated.

Btw, I was thinking about going a little more "harlequin," you know, adding things like, "he tasted the sweet nectar of her flower" and "his explosive love magma erupted upon her," but I assumed that was going a bit too far.

Dialogue writing/grammar rules advice

4 years ago
I'd say go even further than that. If you surpass a certain point, it may become so bad it's good.

Dialogue writing/grammar rules advice

4 years ago

I'm not aware of any set rules, and your example is fine in my opinion.

The tricky parts of any dialog sequence are (a) helping the reader keep track of who is saying/doing what, and (b) preventing the passage from reading like a script. To keep it simple, it is probably best to limit each paragraph to one primary actor/speaker.

That said, once you feel like you've "mastered" a "rule," some of the fun in writing comes in pushing the boundaries a bit--so long as the ultimate goal is for the reader to know without question which character is speaking or acting at any given point.

Dialogue writing/grammar rules advice

4 years ago
Thanks, Bill. But let's not pretend that example is fine, other than as a parody of romance novels. ;)

Dialogue writing/grammar rules advice

4 years ago

Well, "fine" as an example of dialog coupled with action.

Really, that's what a writer should be doing anyway. Or if not the blatant use of stage directions, then the characters' spoken words ought to be suggestive enough to understand the physical action.

The WORST thing anyone could do is to rely on adverbs to carry a story:

"Fine," she said haughtily.

"OK, have it your way," he said begrudgingly.

"But I can't wait to see you again tomorrow," she said alluringly.

Now THAT is some crappy writing.

 

Dialogue writing/grammar rules advice

4 years ago
Ah hell, I should have used "alluringly" in my first post.

Dialogue writing/grammar rules advice

4 years ago
That's a lost opportunity you'll never get back.

Dialogue writing/grammar rules advice

4 years ago

...and she alluringly threw her panties...

Dialogue writing/grammar rules advice

4 years ago

Yes, the example as you have it paragraphs perfectly well.  The paragraph break creates the timing beat that you are going for there.  Grammar-wise, you are in the clear there.  The action does not need to be tied to the dialogue in the same paragraph.

But here is one thing to note:

"I know how my father feels," said the girl. "But I also know how you feel....

If you intend that all as one sentence, and I think you do, the second clause has to have a lower case letter after the dialogue attribution.

"I know how my father feels," said the girl. "but I also know how you feel....

 

Dialogue writing/grammar rules advice

4 years ago
Wouldn't that require a comma after "girl" though?

"I know how my father feels," said the girl, "but I also know how you feel."

Dialogue writing/grammar rules advice

4 years ago

Yes, you're right.   So did you mean "But I also know how you feel" as a standalone sentence?  I could imagine that in dialogue.

Dialogue writing/grammar rules advice

4 years ago
Yeah, but I am not too concerned about that here. Other than the transition sentence (at the top of the second paragraph), it was all just filler. Still, every bit of knowledge helps.