Okay,can SOMEONE look at my first story? I think it looks good but it’s better to have more than one. The title sounds dumb,but it’s called,”The Life Of Cupcake,The Killer Dog Part one” It’s not very kid friendly at some parts. Just get back to me and tell me what I should add/work on.
Excuse me, can someone PLEASE check my story
Yup, unless you plan on each path being sufficiently long enough, at least 6/8; and a complete story in and of itself, don’t do parts leaving your story in a cliffhanger. That just makes it annoying.
The idea of an animal protagonist is cool, and there are good descriptions about the whole experience and immersion in what you’ve written uptill now. Nice start and nice descriptions. The writing had a few weird quirks in syntax at times, but nothing major. There are a few errors in grammar and spelling and stuff, but nothing that good proofreading cannot solve.
One thing I found off putting is where you abruptly break immersion by adding unrelated stuff such as “(I’ll definitely use this word a lot)” etc. I know you were aiming for a humorous tone, but it just doesn’t achieve that for me. Try using different ideas if you want to include humour, in such a way that it feels a part of the story itself. Last thing you want to do is break reader immersion from the imagery you’ve worked hard on creating and writing down. The story is fairly linear, and the choices didn’t have any affect, but I assume that you’ll add more meaningful choices going forward. Still, I personally think that choices that have no effect, should be sparingly used, and after short intervals of choices that actually have meaning; definitely not one after the other. That just feels a bit annoying and leads to the famous ‘Telltale Walking Dead game series’ syndrome. Don’t do the same mistake those guys did.
So far, there’s good potential, just work a bit more on the writing part. If possible, do a bit of research into the life cycle and behavioural quirks of dogs and try and add something interesting to make your storygame a wee bit realistic. (I know, talking dogs aren’t realistic; but when you’ve done your research in your storygame, and used that research properly; it adds an all new magic to it.)
Good luck for your storygame.