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The Silver Ghost-Corgis Contest Thread

7 days ago

Suppose Ill be making my updates here, and saying as I don't have much to say about all this at the moment Ill just post an excerpt from the first page of my story.

The night sky is faded, the stars hide shyly behind the glow of the artificial stars that give the city life.  It bustles as ships, cars, and more zoom to and fro in their haste.

You lean on the marble railing marking the end of the plateau high above the city,  the darkness that stretches from the rural areas and beyond is almost mesmerizing.  

Still leaning on the marble rail, you turn and watch the proceeds before you.  A multitude of fancily dressed, some posh sounding, some down to earth people mill about, the sounds of chatter and laughs real and fake fill the air.  Many are human, and many are from a variety of different species.  

Nearby, another airship hovers, lowering a ramp.  An entourage full of as much variety as the rest of the population walk down it.  A particularly tall non-human man spreads his arms and addresses the huge congregation.  Some generic speech welcoming his guests.

He waves everyone inside and most go, although some partake in the various activities outside.  You light a cigar as you make your way to the hideously grandiose mansion before you, passing the fountains, well manicured gardens, and statues.  

You run a hand through your slicked back, silvery hair.  Another puff of smoke dissipates above you, the line to get in moves fast.  A few large, tough looking Fadarians stand at the door, their deep purple skin accented by the typical black shirts most bouncer types wear, it seems anyways.  

A couple slender, pale Gavan guards stand by watching with their black beady eyes.  They hold stun weapons so as not to spook the guest, but you're well aware a few of the suited "business men" by the fountain back there are packing, and a quick scan of the area inside, you're pretty sure you can detect a few others.  They wave a buzzing device over you thoroughly, but they find no weapons.

Simply, you have none.  "The most dangerous thing you'll find on me is right here," you point at the cigar, getting a chuckle from a couple people behind you and one of the guards standing off to the side, personally you didn't find it that funny.

The Fadarian guard grunts as you're about to step inside, eyeing the cigar in your mouth as you puff in.  

"No smoking within the premises," one of the smaller guards says.

"Of course," you nod and put the cigar into the gold tinted tray standing beside one of them.  Tiny wisps of smoke rise, indicating the small graveyard of bad habits....and there sure are a lot of them.  You respectfully turn and blow the smoke up into the air, away from the house and guards before stepping inside.

It's always the guys that look like they have a stick up their ass, not to be confused with the guys around here whose rich, gold laced panties are generally knotted up.

As you turn back towards the door, you catch the eyes of a young woman, flawless red hair, and large brown, doe like eyes.  Her red dress compliments her form.  She smiles at you, and you wink and smile back but ultimately turn back to focus on the task at hand.

It would also help if she wasn't young enough to have been born while you were in your thirties.

You adjust the cuffs on your coat, and grab some kind of martini to try to fit in.  After some time of mingling, you eventually scope out a couple of different ways to progress through here.  There are the stairs with stern guards, what appears to be a side hall, possibly leading to the study.  On the ground floor, underneath the stairs is what appears to be the entrance to some kind of art gallery.

Buzzed lads and ladies (you smirk to yourself because some of them are older than you) oooh and ahhh at the various arts and.....extraordinary subjects placed in glass boxes.  

The Silver Ghost-Corgis Contest Thread

6 days ago

So this guy's an anti-villain!  Makes sense, I couldn't imagine a collective of space richies doing anything good for the universe.  As with anything sci-fi, the other alien races immediately spark intrigue, so I'm eager to see what you'll come up with to make them distinct.  I did, however, fully expect his cigar to actually be used as a weapon.  Dammit.  

Anyways, I'm intrigued as to what will come next.

The Silver Ghost-Corgis Contest Thread

6 days ago

Some of the paragraphs seem short,if they are like two sentences or less you could combine a few. I generally thought it was good. One phase that bugged me was "non-human man". This was particularly annoying because you listed a ton of different aliens, leading me to believe that he is either an unknown race or it was lazy writing. You can make him a "male Gavan" or something since you already have a few alien races. 

A few easy fixes:

- "so as to not spook the guest" I am assuming you meant to make "guest" plural, there is no singular person you seem to refer to

- "...by the fountain back there are packing, and a quick scan of the area inside, you're pretty sure you can detect a few others" this reads clumsily, maybe break it up? Either way, it should probably say "and *with* quick scan of the are..."

 

That is just what I noticed on a quick read through. I am sure proofreading will catch this all. I think it is an intriguing start, it made me want to know what is happening.

The Silver Ghost-Corgis Contest Thread

6 days ago
There's nothing inherently wrong with short paragraphs. Even a one sentence paragraph can be fine. Every time you move on to a new idea/topic then you should have a new paragraph. Sometimes idea blend and you can make a judgment call, but as long as you don't have text walls and you're generally sticking to one concept per paragraph, it's not something to stress about either way.

Yeah, non-human man is weird. Just tell us what kind of alien/monster/race/thing he is, Corgi.

The Silver Ghost-Corgis Contest Thread

6 days ago

Yeah Ill edit that lol

The Silver Ghost-Corgis Contest Thread

6 days ago

Ah thanks Ill go in and fix some of those errors