Player Comments on A Day in the Life of a Flocktown Student
T.H.I.N.K about this review.(My own little pun)
Now first things first, the wording. Wording is very important for not just stories, but for anything that has to do with writing, if you can understand how important wording is, you can avoid those mistakes or other things your readers notice.
It isn’t exactly editing, but if this was edited, it wouldn’t appear as it did. “As you approach your school, Flocktown, you see the American Flag proudly flapping in the wind. You enter the doorway and hear the chatter of students walking briskly throughout the hallways to their classrooms.”
It just felt forced, like you tried to fit a lot of description in there, subtlety is a necessity to make your reader feel like he is in that world, something more like this would’ve have been a bit more subtle and therefore, better.
“You make your way up to Flocktown State School, noticing the American flag just at the school entrance, skimming proudly through the wind. Upon entering the doorway the sound of both chatting and brisk walking fill the hallway as the students of all shapes and sizes rush to there classrooms.”
Well description helps as well, visualisation helps a lot, like choosing to watch a story or tv or hear it on the radio. Think of the TV as good description, you want to watch it more since you get that visualisation along with the story. The radio is bad description, you don’t want it as much, because, while it tells the story, the visualisation just isn’t there.
Now to the reason for the story, to make people T.H.I.N.K. I’m not gonna go through the whole meaning of think. But just ‘think’ of it as a way for adults to teach there children not to be ***holes.
It isn’t really a concept for a story, and well this place is meant for stories. Even educational games here have a fun name, Edutainment!
But then again, we get a lot of people here using this site just for an assignment or such.(Kinda surprising we don’t have a Assignment opition)
It would be best if you added some storyline to it, all I got was a kid who just happened to get through every possible situation from not saying sorry to bumping his backpack and bumping someone, to willing to cross the street for some money and almost getting run over.
If we got a name, his interests, his social life. It would seem much more realistic, and realism is the best way to teach someone, instead of telling, showing. Instead of listening, doing. Instead of writing a storygame with no storyline, writing a storygame with a story line.
There was something I laughed at, but it was most likely unintentional. So if you do something bad or good, you may see a discussion pause, and just the bluntness of this was humourous. Basically asking you questions and then answering it for you.
Was it truthful, no, was it helpful, no. Was it inspiring, no. Was it necessary, no, was it kind, no...
Time for lunchtime!
Anyways back to the important bits, it isn’t really nice when there’s only one ending. I tried doing 2 things, being as good as I could and then being as bad as I could. No matter how much of a **** I was To everything and everyone I still got the ticket to go to Six Flags Great Adventure.
It’s not worth it reading a story if there’s only one ending to it. Basically there’s no real reason for reading the story since there’s only one way things can go.
But then again this is your first story(Well your only story). But no matter how many mistakes you make here, you can still improve your writing to new heights.(This isn’t the end)
Im also disappointed at just how you wrote this piece.
You say "oops, my bad. I'm sorry."
Firstly, where’s the CAPITAL, this is a very big mistake and very embarrassing. No matter how many stories i’ve seen as short as this have there been a mistake as bad as this.
While doing everything by the book and being boring isn’t exactly the best, it is for writing, since these unspoken laws have been around for thousands of years. From expert writers better than the best you have seen.
‘You say’ is at the start, while it normally goes at the end you’ve put it at the front. So it just looks weird. Since most people are used to it being last, unless you make it look very elaborate.
You also made a very rookie mistake, enlarging text size. Now that isn’t bad, it’s just bigger right?
Wrong, the main reason text size is enlarged is so it can seem like a bigger page, and your pages were extremely short. Yes I’m accusing you.
Like if I wrote a review in big text, but it was short. Makes me look both like and idiot and a straight out Noob. Then apply that to every page in this ‘story.’
Not exactly the best huh?
But since this is your first and only story, this can be excused. Redemption is only if you
A.Dont enlarge the text on small pages
B.Remember CAPITAL LETTERS
C.Dont make it cheesy
D.Make it a bit more realistic
E.Add more description
F.Obey most unspoken writing laws
G.More endings than just 1
H.More character info
I.Make it more interesting
J.Dont force the description
K(Opitional). Some stabs at humour
Every good story on this site has stabs at humour, whether there good in there own right, or so ridiculous you laugh, or even the bad puns that are so good. Humour interest your reader and interest turns into imagining and imagining turns into visualisation!
Not to mention seeming like the funny guy.
After all the truth I’ve pushed down on you, you at least deserve a good rating.
Moral of the story: Don’t go onto a road for a brown piece of paper
(If you’ve read enough of the story, you’ll get it)
on 4/16/2018 5:30:20 AM with a score of 0
Well the beginning was nice, and you wisely used key literary devices that improve the readers interest. A bit more detail would have been nice though. For example, the whole breakfast situation on the first page. What is the character's favorite food, and what was given to them instead? Things like this are small but add up to make a fulfilling story.
The choices seem a little random, and have little effect on the story whatsoever. If these choices (like eating) changed things later on, that would be more engaging for the reader.
You're writing ability is slightly above the norm and is shown, so just work on certain aspects that can improve it and make it much stronger overall. The writing was grammatically sound from what I could see, and I'm just going to add this as a little side note: messing with fonts slightly annoys some members. Best to just leave it alone.
on 8/30/2017 6:17:46 PM with a score of 0
Not bad :)
This is pretty well-written with a decent and relatable message being told in this storygame. I felt that the premise was rather simple, but in a good way. While this felt quite linear in terms of meaningful branching, it didn't hinder my enjoyment too much.
The only fault here is that there are slight issues with grammar here and there, but nothing too bad that ruined the actual narrative for me. The situations that were presented were realistic enough and the "right" choices to be made are simple and easy enough to choose.
All in all, I think this is a story that does an adequate enough job as a learning tool of sorts. This had a rather decent message behind it and it tells it well.
on 5/14/2017 2:40:49 PM with a score of 0
on 9/16/2020 11:15:53 PM with a score of 0
There was like no branching. The constant pausing think thing was really annoying. This a game that a teacher would make to show 1st graders. Though it does do that well. 3/8
on 8/22/2020 9:05:32 PM with a score of 0
It's not bad but it packs intrigue. Nothing really exciting or anything that makes you want to play. Not too bad though
-- Adeline on 6/29/2020 2:15:14 AM with a score of 0
on 5/3/2020 8:27:08 PM with a score of 0
It wasn't the best storygame, but decent for a beginner stroygame. Here are some things to work on:
-It didn't seem realistic. The bully won't walk away, he/she would either fight back or insult you highly or poorly.
-Don't size the text. Make sure to make it normal sized so it will be easier to read for new members.
-The description wasn't great. Needs some more work.
That's all! Other than that, you did a great job for your first storygame.
on 4/15/2020 11:24:14 AM with a score of 0
This. Was. The. Most. Sappy. Story. Ever. Do any kids actually DO any of the things in this? This is NOT how the world works. Sorry, teach.
-- Hi on 2/17/2020 5:29:41 PM with a score of 0
That was certainly not the worst thing I've read on this site. I get what you were going for here, and while it is very cheesy I can respect that. Your writing style is very lighthearted, almost to the point of complete innocence at least from what I saw. There are a few issues I have with wording, capitalization, and other grammatical things. The dialogue and overall sequence of events is a little far-fetched, so I think it would do you well to work on making your characters and dialogue a little lot more realistic.
on 12/9/2019 9:59:33 PM with a score of 0
-- PIGDUCK on 10/22/2019 7:12:21 PM with a score of 0
Should've been longer.
-- Geoffrey on 7/14/2019 8:00:50 PM with a score of 0
Very wholesome :D
-- Dogwhispered on 2/16/2019 7:54:28 PM with a score of 0
This was a really great game but a little boring
-- Pink girl on 2/3/2019 10:00:19 AM with a score of 0
I loved it
on 2/1/2019 8:32:08 PM with a score of 0
This was amazing!:) Highly recommended for children. It does a great job at showing how kindness and doing the right thing always makes life better in the end. :D
on 3/16/2018 1:37:31 AM with a score of 0
Interesting game. I went through it a few times to see all the different things you do. The ending seemed to be the same, though.
I didn't notice any spelling or grammar issues.
I'm homschooled, so none of this would really happen to me, but it does show what to do to be kind, so good job on that.
I would have liked to see more pages with that T.H.I.N.K. thing. It was an interesting way to see if you chose right or not.
This is a good game, and though a little shortish, I'd recommend reading this. 6/8.
on 2/12/2018 7:06:45 PM with a score of 0
I was mean to everyone and got to got to an amusment park! Win win!
on 10/19/2017 10:42:44 AM with a score of 0
I really did enjoy this for a short and sweet story! I wasn't sure what to expect, but this was definitely better than I was expecting! Although grammar was acceptable, your delivery became repetitive with the constant 'and then's' you inserted. Other than that, I consider this to be nicely done!
on 8/29/2017 12:53:53 AM with a score of 0
Is this a school project on respecting other people in school?
It made me laugh, actually. Especially when the game told me that my teacher would be notifying my parents about my grisly crime of picking up another kid's crisps.
on 4/13/2017 11:42:19 AM with a score of 0
Add a different ending for being mean and I'll rate it up a point. As it is, its too linear to be enjoyable.
-- The Man on 4/7/2017 10:04:21 PM with a score of 0
I liked your story. A bit short. Good for teaching kindness. A couple choices were a bit limited but otherwise great.
-- Natalie Rose on 1/23/2017 6:59:20 PM with a score of 0
Great and honest game!
-- Moon on 12/27/2016 7:35:18 PM with a score of 0
Too short. Pleasant enough.
on 12/25/2016 4:21:45 PM with a score of 0
Hey! :-). Good story! Due to the options I picked, my character had a great day! Everyone loved him. :-) :-). Personally, I found the actual game relaxing. Great work. :-).
-- Rahila on 12/21/2016 9:38:40 AM with a score of 0
I liked how it gave the message of always do what's right.
on 12/11/2016 1:02:54 PM with a score of 0
Please make it less easy, and give different endings. It would be more fun that way! Plus, the difficulty is not no possible way to lose. so make it harder.
-- Hazel Tea on 10/31/2016 4:40:17 AM with a score of 0
Well i kinda liked it, not as much fun for older kids but a good way of teaching kindness. Not very many choices,though.
on 8/27/2016 4:35:38 PM with a score of 0
I selected the "bad choices" I mean they were the best 1/8
on 7/1/2016 7:55:12 PM with a score of 0
I liked it :)
on 6/14/2016 1:09:58 AM with a score of 0
5/8. I thought it was very well written. It's also nice to see stuff like this since it can be informative and can teach people about doing the right thing. Good job :)
on 5/7/2016 12:24:03 PM with a score of 0
Good but short and easy game
on 4/30/2016 2:35:07 PM with a score of 0
Very cute, for lack of a better word.
on 4/8/2016 2:47:35 PM with a score of 0
This is great for young kids. It shows responsibility and the consequences of our our actions. It is short enough to keep a kids attention, but not so short that it's boring. Plus, it uses realist examples. They only change that I would make is that when he s/he see's the girl being bullied, there should be a "tell an adult" option (assuming a trust worthy adult is around. Sometimes, going up to a bully is not the best option, as you could get hurt. Of course, standing up for someone is good, so it's a fine line.
I would love to use this with the kids I babysit, and I think they would have fun.
on 1/30/2016 9:34:39 AM with a score of 0
This would be a great storygame for little children who are learning about doing what's right and the Golden Rule and all that...
However you don't see a lot of those sort of people here. So while it's a good story, it's directed towards a different audience.
on 1/9/2016 2:42:08 PM with a score of 0
-- PATRICIA4girl on 12/11/2015 8:13:30 PM with a score of 0
It would be nice if you had different endings for different choices, it had good spelling and I guess was okay for someone young.
on 11/28/2015 4:34:37 PM with a score of 0
I like the endings and how they retrospectively teach morals after I already demonstrated that I knew them. Thanks a lot.
-- as on 11/18/2015 2:07:44 PM with a score of 0
An albeit okay game. However, the ending should change based on your decisions made rather than have a good ending 100% of the time.
on 11/11/2015 2:18:59 PM with a score of 0
I liked it, but it should be a it longer with more choices.
-- Silverflame on 11/8/2015 1:31:40 AM with a score of 0
on 11/3/2015 10:50:26 PM with a score of 0
I'm going to assume this was made for a classroom.
on 11/1/2015 1:09:02 AM with a score of 0
Well, I am a bit disappointed that there is only one end result, even if it is a happy ending. Even if you justify it by saying that it shows even complete jerks deserve kindness, it still seems a bit lazy.
There were also a few spelling errors, but they didn't detract from the readability of the story.
Those things aside, it was a tolerable story. Not remarkably good, but not bad.
on 10/31/2015 11:06:17 PM with a score of 0
I like the morals. It teaches a lot, though it could be even better if you morphed thhis into a story.
on 10/31/2015 1:10:17 PM with a score of 0