A Nameday Nightmare
"Too few ratings to be ranked"
played times (finished )
"walk in the park"
"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"
"must be at least this tall to play"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 10. If this were a movie, it would probably be between G and PG.
A Birthday romp for Joanna filled with adventure
Alright, right now you have a good plot summary put on paper. In a standard fantasy world, there's a mage taking a treasonous route to face danger based on a mystical hint.
Now, instead of publishing it as it is, I recommend (and hope) you'll take all the feedback at heart and flesh that summary out. For example, you could expand on why the choice between the passes is so important that the party is ready to leave over it. You could expand on the troubles of recruiting the party, flesh the characters out. You could give the goblins more 'oomph', give all your choices of this version a more climactic buildup in the next. Go over all the pages this way. I'd recommend reading the featured fantasy stories for more good examples on how others made this work. And remember to give your own twist on it at the end, that is what makes writing so fun!
Once you are done fleshing out the characters and the plot, the most important things in a story, you could use the same techniques on the world itself. What is it that makes your world an interesting place? What makes it unique? How does your world impact the story and the characters? How would finishing your plot impact the world? If you incorporate the answers to those questions, the plot will feel more grounded in the reality you are creating. That's always a good thing.
So in short a lot of things to work on, but also a lot of potential. I'll be interested in reading the improved version.
on 4/18/2020 9:15:28 PM with a score of 0
I’m assuming that this is a story written from a young author or someone new to the writing field. If that is so, it’s not...extremely bad. The pages are lacking detail, only containing a few sentences each with little substance or vividness. It feels like a first grader is reading out a story to the class; it’s choppy, abrupt, and monotonous.
However, it’s not all bad. It was a simple click-through story and for what it seemed to be, it was pretty alright. With practice comes perfect, so don’t let your first gander into the hobby put you down. It takes effort to become good at things. Write on, and read on!
on 4/18/2020 8:36:02 PM with a score of 0
This reads like it was written by an enthusiastic 12 year old. Some issues with punctuation, but not any more than expected given that it felt kind of rushed.
The real issue is that the only ending I found that didn't end in death resulted in something far worse: an implied "end of part one". Please just write out the entire story, then get someone to help you proofread it.
Avoid those 'Reset' links too, that's referred to as forced looping here, and people hate it. Just put a normal End Game and Leave Comments link there if the player dies.
on 4/18/2020 8:29:46 PM with a score of 0
Huh. Seemed a bit unfinished and random. The writing wasn't too bad but the story moved too fast I think. You should spend more time building up the setting, plot, background and characters. It read a bit like "This thing happened, then this thing, then this thing, the end." Like Mara said I'm assuming you are either young or writing for young readers, well practice makes perfect :) Keep reading, writing and developing and things will improve :)
on 4/18/2020 2:01:45 PM with a score of 0
There is nothing to review. There is no game. The most retarded 28 years old mage behave like a 10-year-old and with no reason, the plot of no description of any short go to slain a dragon... The companions are ever more retarded and have even less description motivation or anything.
I suppose you have ten years or so, If it is the case I really think is a good first attempt and ask your teacher to teach you what a plot is and the parts a good story has to have.
If you are not a teen, sorry writing is not for you.
on 4/17/2020 1:55:16 PM with a score of 0
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