, #49 for
played 1,237 times (finished 125)
"march in the swamp"
"A nice jog down the driveway"
"appropriate for all ages"
Stories with this maturity level will not, by design, have any potentially objectionable content. An example of a type story with this rating would be a quiz on mathematics.
Hunt for dangerous animals in the African savanna.
I really liked this story. I liked the premise and there was was some decent scene setting. Ultimately, this story is sort of a jack of all trades, master of none. Eddie's character is fleshed out a little, as the mischievous one and I can think of a couple moments where I was glad Eddie was around. However, there isn't enough content and I found myself wondering if he was mischievous, deranged, or just stupid. There was a lot of promise and room for his character to develop into a quirky and trusty sidekick, he just didn't get there all the way.
Then there are the settings, the description is good at setting the scene and describing the moving parts, but a lot of the action happens really quickly. That's not to say that action shouldn't be fast, but there isn't a lot of room to build that anticipation and dramatic tension like you had started to in the first scene. As a hunter, part of the world building would be diving deep into the scenery and slowing the world down with this hyperawareness. Really immerse yourself in your role as a hunter and in the unforgiving world of the Savanah.
I got the impression that the character was a regular hunter even if he hadn't visited the Savannah. If not, I would have liked to see the hunter make rookie mistakes and then have to learn from them while trying to survive. So Africa turns into the crucible that makes a hunter.
I really liked that you touched on how hard the world of the Savannah is. At the risk of divulging too much, I like how you were able to predict behaviors to set traps for prey.
I especially liked how it made sense when your character dies. I've lost count of how many CYOAs I've read where a character chooses wrong and reaches a death screen through a series of highly improbable events as if the only reason that choice was bad was that it wasn't the "right" one. When your character is punished with something like death, it's because they made a decision that I can look back and think "That was stupid". Even if it has to be in retrospect.
I wish the paths had been a bit longer because ultimately it felt like I just stumbled through the safari and lucked onto my goal in nearly every scenario. Getting the good endings didn't *feel* rewarding because I sort of fell into them.
The main character wasn't very well developed, but in this case I think that works to the story's advantage. You clearly communicated the character's goals in the beginning of the story and put those goals within arms reach of the reader at every moment. This is a case where I became invested not through the development of the protagonist, but through the development of the story.
Overall, this was a great story. If my cardinal complaint is "Not enough, need more of the same" then that's a good sign from me. Great story, I look forward to seeing more from you. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
on 1/24/2019 7:13:29 PM with a score of 0
This story starts out very good. The intro page is very brief, but still quite clear an obvious what the story is going to be about. It gives the reader just enough to drive some interest in the story. Sure, there could be more, but again, it works in this case because of the story and the subject of the story. The first page starts out great as well. I like that it starts with the setting and gets the reader into the story right away. The reader can really feel like they are part of the story in just the first few sentences. There are good descriptions of the setting and the people in the story to get things moving right away. I also like that after the backdrop and setting there is a good, clear choice on the first page. At this point, there’s really not any clue as to which option is better than the other, but at first glance it appears to just be a personal choice and not the classic “choose the wrong choice and die” option.
Beyond the first page, the quality writing does continue. There are rich descriptions of the situations and the settings. I also appreciate little things, like reading about not just the sights, but also the sounds and feelings of the setting. That really does help the reader get into the story and feel the story. I was a little confused when I encountered the antelope and didn’t shoot it. I thought I was getting a prize there. Later on, the gun and tags were explained to me, the reader, but I really didn’t get that at first. Maybe in the initial conversations with Eddie a little more might be revealed about what, exactly, we’re hunting for and what we’re allowed to hunt for, just to make that clear from the start.
On my first read through, I did get a lion, a nice prize. However, the story ended rather abruptly. It almost felt like the author ran out of time – though the story really was complete with the kill, perhaps a little more of an epilogue or something would make the story even more satisfying. Overall it is a nice story, thank you for sharing it with the site.
on 6/6/2019 12:09:16 PM with a score of 0
hey man what the hell? I kept dieing ober and ober again wtf is wrong with you ?? Needs more better endings then it'll be even more lsightlty funner than homework! and then you'll be the new Stephen King lol!
sincerley, your buddy, and fellow reader,
Zak Halstingtingtingtingworth VI
West Islip, NY
-- guy from your stupid face ffff on 1/28/2019 6:03:17 AM with a score of 0
I randomly died?
on 1/27/2019 6:28:16 PM with a score of 0
Overall enjoyable, though endings feel abrupt and unsatisfying. Well-written, with only a few grammar mistakes. Would have enjoyed more depth with the characters, but I did like the descriptions of the safari. 5/8
-- anon on 1/23/2019 3:29:06 PM with a score of 0
This was an interesting game.
on 1/22/2019 5:12:07 PM with a score of 0
A solid story, but it doesn't really make sense. If you decide not to torment the giraffes, you get a bad ending with snakes, but if you DO torment the giraffes then everything continues as normal?
on 8/14/2017 9:25:29 AM with a score of 0
intrueging, i got the fastest ending, but even then it was nice.
-- jackson eutsler on 12/14/2016 10:09:12 AM with a score of 0
Very good game, I really appreciated the detail, although it could have been longer.
on 7/31/2016 8:53:48 PM with a score of 0
You deserve a 4/8.
on 3/31/2015 11:31:53 AM with a score of 0
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