American Civil War- Soldier
"Too few ratings to be ranked"
played 138 times (finished 19)
"no possible way to lose"
"A well spent lunch break"
"appropriate for all ages"
Stories with this maturity level will not, by design, have any potentially objectionable content. An example of a type story with this rating would be a quiz on mathematics.
Play as a soldier in the American Civil War.
There were some issues with this game, but I'll start with the positives.
I think the Civil War era is an excellent and interesting period for writing. I appreciate the insight into the daily lives of the soldiers, from throwing away red berries to not having anyone with which to play cards. Even a trivia game like this can be quite engaging for me, even though I usually don't care for them.
Following the trivia questions, you took the time to include different results for each wrong choice, even if it had no bearing on the rest of the story. I've always been put off by seeing the same failure outcome during multiple choice situations that have only one correct answer.
For a storygame this short, it had a surprising amount of branching, so it took longer for me to go through every path than I expected. Each route did have it's own short arc that lasted beyond a single click. I'll go further into that later, as well.
As far as what didn't turn out so well, I'll start with proofreading issues. "Good job on your first day of drill player" should include a comma prior to player, since that the player is being addressed. Calvary is very different from cavalry, the latter is the one you should have used. You also used "its" instead of "it's" in several places throughout the story. You also wrote "drop you gun" instead of "drop your gun" at one point. You also need to include an article when using the singular term louse in "racing louse" or switch to plural, so "racing a louse" or "racing lice" would have been acceptable. With irregular plural nouns, it can be handy to quickly substitute the noun with another, such as "racing a horse" and "racing horses" as a method of checking yourself.
Speaking of racing lice, that page had a typo, both links were to bet on the left louse, when the second option actually bet on the right one.
Something I didn't understand was the inclusion of the choice to play cards, when it just leads you to a dead-end, saying that no one is available to play cards and forcing you to go to the previous page (where the same choice was still available). If it doesn't add value, don't include it. You easily could have included the fact that soldiers played cards in the page text without taking the player off the main path.
Each page was very, very lean. I would have liked to see much more detail included. With a setting removed from our modern lives, it's worth the time to flesh it out a little more. In a lot of cases, this was as simple as "here's a trivia fact, now tell me what I just said in a page or two" without taking the time to immerse the player. There were spots where you attempted to dive in to the storygame, but mostly it wasn't engaging.
As far as the branching, each branch always ended in the same spot, so it had no impact on the rest of the game. The game had only two endings, dictated by the very last choice. In what boils down to a trivia game, essentially, there should be some sort of penalty or reward for your choices.
The game itself wasn't broken and the subject itself was interesting, but overall, it just needed better execution and proofreading. It's easy to rush through writing, making sure you include facts and details about something, but you should always ask yourself as you go, "Does this make the storygame better? Does it add value? Does it make it more fun or interesting?" If the answer is no, then consider how you would need to rewrite or restructure it. Storygames are, first and foremost, games, so they should be enjoyable.
Good effort, I hope you contribute another story or even rework this one.
on 12/19/2018 10:19:44 AM with a score of 0
Well, you certainly didn't need a bibliography but it's no big deal.
This was an interesting little story but I thought it was going to go more in depth on civil war history and general life of a soldier stuff.
on 1/17/2019 12:46:58 PM with a score of 0
Good job, Emilia
-- The Comrade on 12/21/2018 1:28:43 PM with a score of 0
I think the author may have been confused on just what they wanted this to be. Was it supposed to be a quiz or a story?
If it was meant to be a quiz, then I would suggest having a page at the end that lists the questions and if the chosen answer was incorrect, then give the correct one for future reference. Instead, the quiz consists of two or three possible answers. Incorrect answers end up in a "try again" kind of deal and makes it feel empty and boring as a result.
The story aspect is virtually nonexistent. There is zero character development in this. A few quiz questions then a random bit of story with a choice tossed in before returning to quiz questions. It was boring.
It wasn't bad, honestly. But, it could have been better if the author had been more clear in their intent for this. If they want a quiz, then do a quiz. If they want a story, then do a story. This weird mashup of the two left me scratching my head at what the point of it even was.
The subject matter has so much potential. Write a story about the Civil War, let players choose which side they are on. Have strong character development, brothers had to fight each other on the battlefield that alone could be a very striking scene to write and leave players with a difficult choice on how to handle it. That's just one of many, many possibilities for a CYOA set within the Civil War.
on 12/20/2018 8:43:25 AM with a score of 0
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