An Unusual Day at Littlewood High

Player Rating2.81/8

"#611 overall, #68 for 2015"
based on 128 ratings since 03/10/2015
played 1,100 times (finished 151)

Story Difficulty3/8

"trek through the forest"

Play Length2/8

"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"

Maturity Level6/8

"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably between PG-13 and R.

Tags

Humor

This story is about Kyle Peterson, and his unusual day at his high school. I hope you guys like it and rate on what you think it deserves. As it is only my first ever story, it isn't going to be top notch quality.

By the way, this story is a little bit random and the pages are quite short, but still enjoy it!

Player Comments

So the teacher dies from the sound of a whistle... This was either meant to be funny or horribly unrealistic. The overall story needs work; fleshing out the characters would add a nice touch. The main issue here is how short it is; make the storygame longer, add more choices, and you've got an okay game. If you want to go with the 'escape the school' angle, adding variables would be great. Also? I'm not a big fan of the too-perfect-and-amazing endings. I mean, the guy shirks school and then ends up being in the CIA? Or you give your parents a chocolate bar and end up running and successful candy business?
-- AllThatIsGold on 1/9/2016 5:09:16 PM
The game wasn't too bad, but I always give a little cringe when I read things like "This is my first ever story game, so it's not going to be very good." ... Or something along those lines. If you're a good writer, it wont matter if it's your first story game or your 179th, it's going to be good anyway.
Hell, the fact that it's your fist game shouldn't make people throw something together and say "meh, it's not perfect, but it's only mt first game, so it doesn't matter." If anything people should try their absolute hardest to make their first game the best that they possibly can, 'cos that's going to give people their first impression on how good you are as a writer...
That said, you did say "Rate on what you think it deserves." Instead of "Pretty please give me really good ratings and don't say anything mean 'cos I'm only ten and you'll hurt my feelings." So you get points back for that ^_^
-- Briar_Rose on 3/11/2015 3:45:14 AM
There have been far worse first time efforts. A general tip, if the game takes less than a day to finish, you probably need to do something more with it: develop plot, flesh out the world, use more descriptive language.

Also, what James said. Below is how I would divide up the first page. The first two paragraphs could be combined, but I would argue this way makes the opening scene a little catchier. I also added a few commas where needed and some extra notes.

"Wake up boy!"

You sigh deeply as your English teacher, Mr. Greenwood, smashes his hand down on your desk for the sixth time in the lesson. "Can you understand me boy?!" This time infuriated with rage. <- Fragment. Also it doesn't really tell me anything new. We know he's pissed off. (Side note: fragments can be used stylistically at times, but it just seems clumsy here.)

"No sir! I was just studying through this test book!" You hope it is a good enough excuse, as you are not very good at telling lies, or English at that. <- I know what you're trying to say here, but the way it's written it sounds like the protagonist doesn't know the English language (in regards to speaking it) rather than the subject.

"I have just been studying your test results, and they are dreadful! This recess, you are going to stay in and practice the test!"

Remember to use strong nouns and verbs in your writing so you rely less on adjectives and adverbs. Strong nouns and verbs paint clearer pictures.

Hope this helps, and once again, welcome to CYS.
-- Bucky on 3/10/2015 3:10:30 PM
Too sweet.
-- PaulaAnneMason on 11/11/2018 4:17:37 PM
Meh. There's a few End Game and Leave Comments link tacked on to random pages.
-- crazygurl on 7/13/2017 3:03:39 PM
Some minor spelling and grammar issues. But I've been looking for a good short story/game on here for a few days now and this is the first that I've actually appreciated all week. I loved the randomness and the humor. Good job!
-- Skike on 4/4/2017 8:26:01 PM
The humor wasn't that great, and it was really short. Flesh it out and it could be okay.

Also, what's the point in those random end game links, like when you go to flud the bathroom and find out that the other kid already did it?
-- THEGAMER13 on 2/11/2017 11:57:21 AM
it's a really great story but I feel as though it should be longer
-- destiny turner on 8/12/2016 8:53:20 PM
I want to say, if you run across the French Teacher, he uses the f-word! No way this is "between G or PG". Change the rating!
-- Battalion on 6/16/2016 12:20:43 PM
Its a fun little game, if you have a spare 5 minutes!
SPOILER: Don't risk the convienience store! Also, don't kill yourself.
-- Battalion on 6/16/2016 12:18:30 PM
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