, #54 for
played 487 times (finished 76)
"no possible way to lose"
"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"
"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably between PG-13 and R.
"With blackbirds following me, I'm digging out my grave. They close in, swallowing me, the pain, it comes in waves. I'm getting back, what I gave." If you like, then please leave a
Heavy stuff. Then again, what else would I expect from an LP fan? Despite everything, this was fairly decently written and certainly reflects your edgy, oppressed soul. Onto my favourite part: criticism.
This severely lacks depth and I don't know who the main character is or what the story is behind the girl. Sure, maybe you wanted an air of mystery, but this is really more like a hastily written segment of something bigger than a story in itself.
The options given were oddly presented, though I didn't particularly mind that. A big problem with how you laid them out, though, is that they obviously give direct insight into consequences of the player's choices... because you just tell them what's going to happen. Maybe you wanted that; it's not like the story was anywhere near long enough to really invest the reader or make them consider their actions carefully to discern the outcome seeing as the MC basically has no boundaries. Still, it gives a kind of uncaring feeling about the MC, which is probably what you were going for, even though it does compromise tense and perspective integrity.
The length is an obvious fault. I'll put this into perspective for you; my Notepad has 2387 words, and that's the main of of five total collections of notes for the one story I'm working on. Your story is about a third of that, making it one of the smallest I've ever seen. I didn't really see the point in writing such a short story that's basically about one event in a sick freak's life, unless you were going for a nihilistic message. Even then, a few more thousand words, more options, and some more effort could make a much better 'Oh-God-Isn't-The-World-Miserable-We're-All-Going-To-Die' kind of story.
To emphasise how little effort you put in, I even found mistakes in a story that would take about 10 minutes to proof-read. A few samples:
- "Bullets pierce through the rustling wind, each missing it target."
- "All you want is money, and pain in other's eye."
Some of the endings lacked significantly in detail or depth. For example:
- "Little do you know what fate has in store for you..." Yeah. You're dead on there, because the story ends and I don't get to find out. I feel like this was meant to be expanded upon.
Overall, a well deserved 2/8; you wanted constructive criticism.
on 6/30/2017 7:42:29 AM with a score of 0
I enjoyed myself. I'm actually surprised I did.
The writing was quite bloody and gruesome, but it didn't go way goo far over the line. You fleshed out the writing quite well with the detail and situations you provided.
I was a bit confused, because I got to make decisions for more then one character and decide situations rather then make choices in the storygame. However, I don't think this would really qualify as a problem :)
Character development was actually pretty average, but that's actually pretty good compared to the hundreds of storygames on the site with little to no development for the plot, characters, or situations.
I didn't really understand the whole "blackbirds" thing, though.
This was also quite short, and I wish i'd gotten to play more because I enjoyed it.
on 5/13/2017 2:42:48 AM with a score of 0
Where were the black birds?
Grammar wasn't that bad as a problem, so bravo for that, but it was short, and not detailed. If you're going to write a story on a murderer/rapist, you might have to go the extra mile, not necessarily "Endmaster" gruesome, but at least verbose and interesting.
Writing a story in shouldn't take 20 minutes, unless it was made to be simple, or the author thought about the plot before hand and was amazingly skilled on the keyboard. Take your time, think about your premise, it's not like you have a time limit on this site. :)
on 8/2/2013 1:39:33 PM with a score of 0
uH.... You have achieved the White ending.
sO THAT WHAT YOU MEAN BY BLACK? BIRD?
on 11/22/2017 8:42:30 PM with a score of 0
i think you need more info on the character, maybe a reason why he did all of this and if no reason then maybe when he started doing this or how, because he did not just walk into a room and they were being killed. but besides that it was great!
-- lunamoonia1 on 6/30/2017 11:35:18 AM with a score of 0
Not bad. Like some of the other readers, I think that we need more details of the main character. Maybe not so much their history, but I think we need a little more of the protagonist's warped mindset. More insight into how disturbed the protagonist really is. More victims perhaps. Also why is the protagonist afraid to be alone? That's never addressed. Why is their face disfigured? Did they do it themselves? What is the symbolism of the blackbirds? You could definitely build this story into something great. With more detail.
on 2/21/2017 6:11:39 PM with a score of 0
Nice idea....but the story was kind of strange bad pointless.
on 2/21/2017 5:38:12 PM with a score of 0
Well this was not what I expected with a story entitled 'Blackbirds' but I was pleasantly surprised in a strange sort of way. The story was very different to what I've read before which is a good thing. The imagery was very good, especially at the start, and overall it was written pretty well. There was one slip where you wrote "what this man has did" which isn't quite right but I think that's just a typo.
The problem lies with the length. There's no backstory on any of the characters and very little explanation of how you escape the police. I'd also have liked to have seen an explanation for the title of the story, as I think the word blackbird was only mentioned once, and only in one of the endings.
As far as stories of this length go, this was a really good attempt and I hope you consider writing a longer piece in the future!
on 2/21/2017 4:58:25 PM with a score of 0
Not bad grammar was good and the story was short yet strange. Not every story starts out with "You rape her" and that is a good thing, but it made sense here. I would love some longer stories in this darker style. Over all 6/10 Ya boi Dragon like it!
on 2/21/2017 8:41:50 AM with a score of 0
It indeed is too short. You could have written it a hell of a lot better if you took more time. The rapist/serial "protagonist" doesn't seem to have a background. Correction: he HAS no background. Details were near nil. Like let's say I *SPOILER* chose to escape the cops. My choice doesn't say much on HOW, it just says I DID. Nice picture on one ending though.
To summarize, your storygame is like a skycraper undergoing construction at the foundation level. You can clearly see the potential for this game to make it big, but it has yet to be fleshed out, like a beautiful woman whose been stripped of all except her skeleton.
Occupied me from homework for 3 minutes. 4/8.
on 2/4/2017 6:45:09 PM with a score of 0
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