, #40 for
played 345 times (finished 52)
"no possible way to lose"
"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"
"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably between PG-13 and R.
Geared for Extremists
"With blackbirds following me, I'm digging out my grave. They close in, swallowing me, the pain, it comes in waves. I'm getting back, what I gave." If you like, then please leave a
Where were the black birds?
Grammar wasn't that bad as a problem, so bravo for that, but it was short, and not detailed. If you're going to write a story on a murderer/rapist, you might have to go the extra mile, not necessarily "Endmaster" gruesome, but at least verbose and interesting.
Writing a story in shouldn't take 20 minutes, unless it was made to be simple, or the author thought about the plot before hand and was amazingly skilled on the keyboard. Take your time, think about your premise, it's not like you have a time limit on this site. :)
on 8/2/2013 1:39:33 PM with a score of 0
Not bad. Like some of the other readers, I think that we need more details of the main character. Maybe not so much their history, but I think we need a little more of the protagonist's warped mindset. More insight into how disturbed the protagonist really is. More victims perhaps. Also why is the protagonist afraid to be alone? That's never addressed. Why is their face disfigured? Did they do it themselves? What is the symbolism of the blackbirds? You could definitely build this story into something great. With more detail.
on 2/21/2017 6:11:39 PM with a score of 0
Nice idea....but the story was kind of strange bad pointless.
on 2/21/2017 5:38:12 PM with a score of 0
Well this was not what I expected with a story entitled 'Blackbirds' but I was pleasantly surprised in a strange sort of way. The story was very different to what I've read before which is a good thing. The imagery was very good, especially at the start, and overall it was written pretty well. There was one slip where you wrote "what this man has did" which isn't quite right but I think that's just a typo.
The problem lies with the length. There's no backstory on any of the characters and very little explanation of how you escape the police. I'd also have liked to have seen an explanation for the title of the story, as I think the word blackbird was only mentioned once, and only in one of the endings.
As far as stories of this length go, this was a really good attempt and I hope you consider writing a longer piece in the future!
on 2/21/2017 4:58:25 PM with a score of 0
Not bad grammar was good and the story was short yet strange. Not every story starts out with "You rape her" and that is a good thing, but it made sense here. I would love some longer stories in this darker style. Over all 6/10 Ya boi Dragon like it!
on 2/21/2017 8:41:50 AM with a score of 0
It indeed is too short. You could have written it a hell of a lot better if you took more time. The rapist/serial "protagonist" doesn't seem to have a background. Correction: he HAS no background. Details were near nil. Like let's say I *SPOILER* chose to escape the cops. My choice doesn't say much on HOW, it just says I DID. Nice picture on one ending though.
To summarize, your storygame is like a skycraper undergoing construction at the foundation level. You can clearly see the potential for this game to make it big, but it has yet to be fleshed out, like a beautiful woman whose been stripped of all except her skeleton.
Occupied me from homework for 3 minutes. 4/8.
on 2/4/2017 6:45:09 PM with a score of 0
I was disturbed and scared but the imagery was amazing.
on 12/22/2016 1:04:38 AM with a score of 0
I got the black ending?
on 12/18/2016 12:32:04 PM with a score of 0
Not bad at all... I liked the introduction. It started with just enough for me to understand who I was, without going into too much detail.
on 3/23/2016 7:56:46 PM with a score of 0
Very, very short, and very, very weird, but not bad.
on 2/29/2016 9:12:43 PM with a score of 0
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