I Can Hear You
"Too few ratings to be ranked"
played 432 times (finished 45)
"trek through the forest"
"It'll be a while, better grab a Snickers®"
"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably between PG-13 and R.
You've never led the most pleasant of lives, but this certainly takes first place on the list of crappy life experiences. After a horrible accident that was in no way your fault, you find yourself passed out in a hospital bed. You cannot see or feel anything. In fact, you cannot move at all. The doctors are convinced that you're not long for this world, and the nurses don't seem to mind talking about it since their comatose patient obviously cannot hear them. Except that isn't true. You can hear everything.
This is an entry for Killa's Spring Thing Contest. Had some publishing issues, but I got it up the second I could. As much as I wanted to publish my original entry, I couldn't be happy with myself if I put out a half-finished product. (It should be coming out within the next month or so if anyone actually cares.) Thanks you so much to Steve for all of his support and various death threats, and to Mayana for her encouragement during this competition.
Note: This is my first published storygame, so any feedback and criticism would be very much appreciated.
It is good to see a back cover that actually promotes the story. It doesn’t sound like a very fun story, though. But, well, that was the topic of the contest, right? On to the story!
Okay, I was really confused at the start. A doctor is standing there, just gaping at a kid. He’s not doing anything all, just looking at him – and the kid has ribs sticking out of him! That’s not normal! Where there are bones sticking out of your body you RUN to a doctor to get help! That’s what they do! They don’t stand around and watch! I mean, I like the description in general and get the setting, but the ribs sticking out really didn’t fit with the rest of it, if you ask me.
I liked the different conversations and how you set them up. It really was a nice way to bring the reader into the story completely. With this setting there’s not much need for additional scene information or descriptions because, well, there’s nothing else going on that you need to know. It is an interesting take and quite effective, I think. The memories/imagination for the girl options were…interesting. There didn’t seem to be much in the way of real choices in the story. It looked like the only choices were actually false choices and all appeared to lead to the same next page, but maybe I missed something.
Overall, this was quite a nice story and a good entrant for the contest – one of the best of the entries I read that worked to actually have a decent length and met the contest guidelines. Thank you very much for sharing this story with us. Good luck with your further writings.
on 6/3/2018 5:41:04 PM with a score of 0
Well, we finally have something to see from Leora, and it was as good as I expected. However, I'm not in the mood to waste time throwing out useless compliments that'll help none of us, and I respect Leora enough to just skip to what didn't work and not have to outline it with nice words so she'll listen, so let's get down to it.
I wasn't entirely sure of the opening. An indifferent nurse isn't the best medium to open a sad story, because it's putting apathy towards this struggle at the forefront of my mind, and her voice seemed a great deal different from the rest of the story. Informal, simple language like "the guy was comatose" was followed by the much deeper, more thoughtful language occurring in the voice of the comatose protagonist.
There was a few proof-reading issues, although not nearly enough to cause any bit of pause, rather just something you should reflect on looking into in future, although it's certainly understandable time is a constraint.
The reaper situation confused me. The voice we talk to identifies as "Reaper", but not the "Grim Reaper", who he refers to as a different "moron" who gets all the credit, implying that there is indeed a grim reaper as well as a "reaper", and... fuck, I don't know, it was confusing and weird. Maybe that needs clarifying.
The Grim Reaper character was very interesting. Normally, when death isn't an unemotional evil force, it's presented as more of a kindly old man, such as in the works of Terry Pratchett or in the Book Thief. The kind of Southern (I think?) slang using character was a unique take, although I wasn't a big fan. The Reaper character doesn't really seem to have the right vibe. His slang is weird to me for a primordial force or an agent of it, and even his language, like "freaking" instead of "fucking" or "moron" instead of something with a bit of "oompfh" seems like weirdly childish for me. I wasn't even sure what his motive was. I mean, he wanted me to die, but he just seemed to be a needless dick, which he should've been above. I mean, apparently he was more of an evil demon, since he didn't get souls if they were good, despite good people still dying, and... fuck, I don't know, it got confusing.
Admittedly, I didn't find myself actually on the same wave length of the protagonist. While Blaine was supposed to be a character I disliked, I was just told of this, and since it was because the protagonist was jealous, that wasn't something that carried over for me, and his sin of being stupid and getting in an accident wasn't one I blamed him for. I mean, from the start I was willing to forgive him because I know it was an accident. I think it would've been better if he'd actually done something due to something other than simple stupid recklessness, like actually abandoned or betrayed me in some manner, so the question of whether to forgive him would've been a better one. Even taking that into account, "not dying" didn't seem like a good motive, given that I was in a coma and with a total dick. In that case, I'd absolutely want to die. I'm not sure how that was a plus.
Then, there's the mother character. Now, as opposed to Blaine, she was a proper cunt. I did quickly dislike her. I didn't see any reason to forgive her, since she ended up bitching about how much the hospital bed was costing her. While I absolutely understood forgiving Blaine, I didn't understand why I should've forgiven the mother on any level. Sure, Allie wanted it, but who gives a fuck? She was a shit mother, and the fact that she's sad her son is dead is the lowest possible quality a mother can have. Pretty much all abusive parents love their kids, that doesn't mean they deserve forgiveness. Plus, the idea that dying angry is any worse than dying haven forgiven injustices seems weird. It was annoying to think that not forgiving abusive parents who haven't changed led me to a bad ending. There's a middle ground between "Being consumed by hatred" and "Forgiving evil people who don't even want forgiveness", called "Coming to terms with it".
The nurse character's first bit, while actually really funny, did seem a bit out of place. Going from sad abuse shit to "Big tits and blonde hair" seemed kind of abrupt.
The final girl, the ex, was again weird. Cheating, while very serious, is something I could've forgiven, I guess, but given apparently that might not have done so, and I responded to this like a raging cunt. It seemed jarringly obvious I should be apologize, and I don't know how anyone could've chosen the alternative to see
The choice of choosing what to do with my final action was actually a really cool one I quite liked. However, the deal he offered me seemed again to have a moral point, but it seemed quite wrong. I only had the ability to, if I was willing to die, help Blaine, Katherine or Allie and even then I'm not sure what I could do for Katherine. If I went back on my lesson, I help Blaine by not having him be responsible for my death and help Allie by not leaving her with an abusive parent and no one to help her. Plus, I get to live. So three lives are saved rather than just whoever I can help by dying. It really didn't make sense.
Ultimately, however, I quite enjoyed the story. Although lacking in branching and filled with fake choices, I can chock that to time constraints. Plus, the writing was of an excellent character and I was thoroughly entertained, and it was clear you had the theme in mind throughout. An excellent story, one you should be very proud of.
on 6/3/2018 10:10:48 AM with a score of 0
This was amazing but so sad
on 6/8/2018 9:51:35 PM with a score of 0
on 6/3/2018 5:28:03 AM with a score of 0
In response to 3iguy: Thanks for commenting. ^_^ I'll admit everything was a bit rushed toward the end, so I'm sure there are some typos I'll have to go in and fix once the judging is over.
PS- Thanks again for letting me know about that broken italics tag over Discord. I could have sworn I caught all of those :(
on 6/1/2018 3:13:14 PM with a score of 0
I really like this game. Your hard-work over the years have made you a good writer.
Could use a proof-read though!
on 6/1/2018 9:57:45 AM with a score of 0
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