Jack at the Tracks
, #43 for
played 1,058 times (finished 192)
"trek through the forest"
"Make sure not to blink"
"must be at least this tall to play"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 10. If this were a movie, it would probably be between G and PG.
You're hanging out with your friends and you hear a terrible car crash nearby! Jump into action jack!
The story sounds like it will be a good one, but there is actually very little to the story. There are a few lines of description on each page, and that’s about it. This is a classic example of the “show, don’t tell” setup. What the author has done here is clearly tell the reader what’s happening…and that’s it. When a story is written this way, the meaning gets across to the reader, but there is little else there. For a fully developed story, the story really needs more. Readers need to feel like they are in the story. Instead of just saying what is there, the author can work to show more of the scene. This is often most effectively done with the use of additional senses. If you can work all five sense into a scene, you can create a scene that readers can relate to and where readers will really feel like they are part of the story. When you just tell the reader what they see, the reader doesn’t really get invested in the story, they’re more of a bystander.
I do like that this story does have a number of different options. While the story is very short, there are a good number of options and selections for the reader to choose from that actually lead to a few different endings. It would just be improved a lot with more detail and a bit more of a story.
on 8/12/2018 5:56:30 PM with a score of 0
While it was extremely short, I did enjoy what little I read.
The small amount of pages AND two to four sentences per page made for a very short storygame with not a lot of plot development. However, what I did read, I liked a lot because what I got to see of the plot and setting was creative and enjoyable to read.
There wasn't a lot of character development here, and not a lot of emotion for that matter.
There was also some illogical stuff in this storygame, such as Crescent stated, the heavily bleeding people are somehow unharmed? How does that work? They have to have a nasty wound to be bleeding heavily, and unless they're Hercules that would hurt pretty bad.
The writing style had potential, but without detail and development, a storygame is just not a storygame.
2/8, try harder please.
on 3/21/2017 11:45:59 PM with a score of 0
First: "while they are bleeding heavily, they are basically unharmed" ... Um ok. So despite their heavy bleeding, they're unharmed? The blood had to come from somewhere on them, and if something is bleeding a lot, chances are, there's a big injury!
It's a very, very basic storygame with a very basic plot.
Crash-->help-->end = too short
Your grammar/writing is decent. There were some randomly capitalized letters, but otherwise, I didn't notice anything else. You need more detail and background information. Otherwise, if you don't choose to expand this incredibly short storygame, you could probably just fatten it up a bit.
on 12/8/2016 10:11:09 PM with a score of 0
This was too short than I would have liked. The overall story has potential though.
on 6/7/2018 7:53:54 AM with a score of 0
I was disappointed that making faces as they bled didn't actually lead to a different page than using your shirt, but I guess it's a decent, short adventure.
on 11/30/2017 7:59:22 AM with a score of 0
The grammar was not great, for starters. I ended the game feeling rather confused. There could definitely be more added to the story... I don't know.
on 4/29/2017 7:01:53 PM with a score of 0
Eh... it's pretty short. :/
on 12/21/2016 3:45:01 AM with a score of 0
Way too short, but not a bad plot.
on 12/1/2016 1:06:01 AM with a score of 0
This was okay. It could have used some more length and detail, but for what it was this was a good and creative idea for a story game. 3/8.
on 7/16/2015 11:06:45 AM with a score of 0
Entertaining story even though it was a little short.
on 5/11/2015 12:43:05 PM with a score of 0
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