Just Another Average Joe

Player Rating3.66/8

"#535 overall, #62 for 2015"
based on 72 ratings since 03/13/2015
played 528 times (finished 80)

Story Difficulty3/8

"trek through the forest"

Play Length2/8

"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"

Maturity Level4/8

"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.

You're just another average person, living an average life. Nothing worth boasting about and no real problems. Funny thing about life. It loves to shit in your face. You can't just go through life expecting everything to be hunky dory, but hey, at least things have been spiced up a bit.

 

 

This is my first attempt at one of these stories. I have never viewed myself as very creative, but I figured I would give it a shot. Hopefully you guys will enjoy it. (Also, some of you are going to start questioning, the answer is no, I am not one but I am tolerant)

Notice: I will no longer edit this story. I will leave it here to show me what I should improve on in writing future stories. Feedback is always welcome and I encourage you to tell me what I need to do better. Thank you for your time.

Player Comments

Good work :D The story was original and different, fairly random but not in a stupid way and the writing was good. One thing I would draw to your attention is that when characters speak in prose writing they do not speak like this:
You: That is not right.
That is how they speak in film scripts, it should look like this:
"This is not right," you say.
Overall a very good effort though rather than free-world explore it might be fun if we stumbled on a complete and developed storyline :)
-- Will11 on 3/14/2015 4:46:38 AM with a score of 0
Not bad for a first attempt, but first attempts won't get you any pity here. The writing wasn't bad and the overall theme was engaging, but you could have done more with the plot and fleshed the story out more. Also, I feel like this belongs in the horror section, not fantasy.

Why did you write the dialogue like a screenplay? That didn't really make any sense, and it makes the reader very aware they are reading a story. The goal is to keep the reader as engaged as possible, especially in a CYOA. Also, why was the dialogue in bold?

Good stories don't have to be massive, but the shorter a story is, the more importance each word carries. So you have to use very precise and descriptive words.

Overall, it was a rather average story, but you showed potential. I think you could write something quite enjoyable if you put in more time and worked on fleshing your plot out more.
-- Bucky on 3/13/2015 12:10:22 PM with a score of 0
For a first story game, and your supposed "lack of creativity," the story wasn't bad.

There were a few minor issues with punctuation/grammar (like forgetting to put them in one or two spots), but nothing to detract too much from what you wrote.

It was certainly a CYOA, and there were choices abound, but my only major gripe with the story as a whole was that it felt a little too short at times on certain pages. Also, I wouldn't really call this a "fantasy adventure," but more of a "modern adventure" or "Everything Else" category.

Overall, not bad: 4/8
-- LeoScales7 on 3/13/2015 12:03:55 PM with a score of 0
I liked it, and it was a nice little thing to pick up and do.
-- Topaz on 6/27/2018 12:41:57 PM with a score of 0
Great job!??
-- 875809 on 5/10/2018 8:01:45 AM with a score of 0
well that was odd... i'm not quite sure what i just read...
-- pygmypuff on 2/4/2018 10:59:30 AM with a score of 0
I really enjoyed! I don't know why but it kind of reminded me of something I would dream of, and enjoy. (Even if it was a bit creepy at times.) 6/8
-- Nummy on 4/8/2017 8:55:12 PM with a score of 0
Better than some stories I've read. I'm assuming the liquid makes you some sort of werewolf-like creature. The way you did the dialogue, however, was not good.
This is how you should do dialogue-
"Hello," the woman said.
Not
Woman: "Hello"
I found a few grammatical errors as well, but it wasn't anything big, just the wrong use of your in the beginning and the like. Nice job.
-- MidnightPhoenix on 9/5/2015 11:35:48 AM with a score of 0
It's alright but you could do better
-- Shadow_Strider on 8/5/2015 6:47:03 PM with a score of 0
this was fun :)
-- takogreece on 4/24/2015 2:02:13 AM with a score of 0
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