Mutiny on the Bounty
Commended by mizal on 7/10/2018 5:27:16 AM
, #7 for
played 1,249 times (finished 84)
"run through the jungle"
"Not going to lose any sleep"
"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.
In 1787 the HMS Bounty left England with a crew of 46 men to sail to Tahiti, pick up breadfruit trees, transport them to colonies in Jamaica and return to England. This seemingly innocent voyage would result in an incredible series of events including a mutiny by murderous pirates, incredible open boat voyages, shipwrecks, bloody battles with natives, trials, executions and suffering that would leave most of the original crew dead. This is the true story of the Mutiny on the Bounty.
Your writing is masterful as always, Will. The storygame itself is dense with content and choices, and it kept me entertained until the very end. I couldn't help but be curious in all of the possible outcomes and decisions that are so neatly and wonderfully placed in this story.
I have to say that I enjoyed every minute of this story. I'm tempted to say that you have outdone yourself, but your writing is always consistent in just how good it is. Thanks for yet another wonderful read, I eagerly anticipate the next storygame that you may create. Be it some inspired sequel to this storygame, or something completely different altogether.
At this point I think that it is safe to say that it is only right for me to look toward to your next piece. The level of care and attention to detail that you place into each of your stories is always a treat to read and enjoy.
Thank you once again, for writing this wonderful and enthralling story.
on 4/4/2018 7:44:46 PM with a score of 0
Well I really enjoyed this. Will, I remember you saying you were worried it was too dry but the actual pacing is fine, you focus on the important stuff and there's no place where it really drags. I suppose it could've used a little more imagery or other sensory details here and there to put the reader in the moment; more details of island life compared to the ship for instance, or more of what it was actually like in overcrowded open boats with a guy you'd like to throw overboard. (Showing not telling, etc etc...you know how that goes). But what you have here is still perfectly servicable and the featuring was well deserved.
The Mutiny was actually a really excellent choice for a storygame. Usually with games about historical events the challenge is in finding a place to put in the branching while not actually being able to change the real events, but here after the mutiny itself everything split up nicely with everyone going their own ways.
I did feel like the events of Pitcairn island could've been gone into a bit more as far as the gory details, as the RL events there were the ones I was mostly familiar with going into this so of course it was the first choice I picked. Kind of amazing those guys had that idyllic life on a private island most of us can only dream of and managed to screw it up so spectacularly!
Thanks for including your sources at the end by the way, I'll have to follow up on some of the details of the rest of the crew I hadn't been aware of. IMO on the Fates page you should've included the tidbit I just found with a quick bit of googling Bligh's death, the fact that his tombstone has a freaking bread fruit on it....which, given the result of his second attempt I have to imagine he wouldn't have ever wanted to see one of those again.
Although the Fates page btw has the line 'TO RETURN TO YOUR PREVIOUS SECTION PRESS THE GO BACK BUTTON' repeated twice. And honestly you probably didn't even need to make that one an item...since it's only ever going to be used on that last page, a normal link to the list with a Go Back attached would've been fine.
Although the link back to the original Mutiny page at the end of the paths was appreciated btw, as after the first time I'd just realized I'd forgotten to save and was preparing to do a lot of clicking to get back to the branchpoint.
Next is just a few notes on typos and such I made as I went, but there really are amazingly few here considering the amount of text involved. Great job on this, and as always hope to see more of your historical thingies in the future.
The women are, if possible, even more free with their affections and breath-takingly beautiful, here and one of your fellow sailors, a friendly, bearded man called William Muspratt, comes up to you one day with an excited whisper as you are moving breadfruit trees as part of a party under Bligh. // This is a long kind of awkward sentence, and the comma after 'beautiful' is misplaced which doesn't exactly help the flow. I'd recommend something more like:
The women here are, if possible, even more free with their affections and breath-takingly beautiful. as you are moving breadfruit trees as part of a party under Bligh, one of your fellow sailors, a friendly, bearded man called William Muspratt, comes up to you one day with an excited whisper.
“He deserves nothing better than to be shark bait for all I care. But this place is the closest thing to heaven on each I have ever clapped eyes on in all my years of sailing. // heaven on earth
You avoid helping Hall and predictably he becomes sick with malaria from mosquito bites while retrieving the boat and quickly dies. // ...no typos, just wanted to point out that TECHNICALLY the connection between mosquitos and malaria wasn't figured out until the 1890s. (Not a big deal, just wanted to be smug about at least one history fact.)
snappily titled A Narrative Of The Mutiny On Board His Majesty’s Ship Bounty And The Subsequent Voyage Of Part Of The Crew In The Ship’s Boat, which you never both to read. // never bother
Remain abouard the Bounty with the Mutineers and Christian // This one is a link actually, but just pointing out the typo.
You can join Midshipman Peter Heywood aboard the HMS Queen Charlotte or you could join Boatswain’s Mate James Morrison aboard the HMS Blenheim or you could join Carpenter’s Mate Charles Norman aboard the HMS Duke or you can join Seaman William Muspratt aboard the HMS Bellerophon. // Can we get some commas, maybe a split into two sentences, something?
Soon after you arrive one of the women falls to her death while gathering eggs from the clifftops, soon after Fletcher Christian’s wife gives birth to the first child born on Pitcairn. // These should be separate sentences.
on 3/26/2018 10:40:22 PM with a score of 0
This was quite the fun story. There's a limit to the feedback I can give story/plot wise because it was based upon history, but there are a few things I would like to touch on.
Items: I feel this use of items is seriously underrated. I'm not a huge fan of items to begin with unless they are used effectively like in Berka's stories, or, in this case, yours. Having an item here and there to help me keep track of the cast is extremely useful especially in a history game. I do question, only slightly, you putting on the cast who mutinied and who stayed loyal. I suppose it was a little bit of a spoiler, but the main thing (as it pertains to my experience in the story) is that I looked at the cast and saw the surgeon had no letter beside him. I came to the conclusion that he must die before the mutiny happens, and was thus able to avoid a drunken death when the time came. It isn't anything story/game breaking, but it is something that might want to be thought about.
Pacing and Expansion: I, personally, felt like it moved just a tad too quickly. Some events passed without a ton of information given, and I was left wishing there was more. I felt the story could have been expanded upon a significant amount. Whether that be through fleshing certain parts out more, or describing some of the encounters more fully. I don't know how you feel about taking creative liberty with historical stories, but I, for one, think it can enhance the story greatly. Perhaps an encounter where we talk with Bligh and he tells us of his troubles? Maybe have an encounter where the loyalists meet together to see what they can do in order to keep the crew from falling apart WITHOUT disobeying Bligh. It would add a little more perspective on the whole thing, and make at a lot easier to side with the loyalists.
StoryTELLING: This definitely has to be my biggest criticism. Now I don't know if you intended this to be a story from a journal or something like that, but I sure hope it was, because that would at least give a solid excuse for the massive amount of telling in this story. Here we see the age old writing topic of showing vs telling, and, quite frankly, you heavily sided with telling on this one. I really like history, so it wasn't the worst thing in the world for me, but this story kinda read like a CYOA textbook. almost nothing was shown to me, and everything was told. There was no, 'The corded rope bites into your back again and again. Once the lashings stop, your back is left a bloody mess and you have trouble walking...,' and instead we're left with, 'You receive 10 lashings.' It would take this story up to the next level if you'd shown more instead of constantly telling. For the less historically inclined among your readers, they might even consider it boring. This is my major criticism, and it might not be able to be fixed in this storygame, but keep it in mind for future games.
Overall, and despite the telling, the writing was quite good and really enjoyed the story. Keep up the great work Will!
on 3/25/2018 12:17:10 PM with a score of 0
Fantastic story! Thank you for putting it together!
on 6/3/2019 6:34:40 PM with a score of 0
Interesting stuff learnt. A bit repetitive with the lashing ;)
on 2/23/2019 3:58:04 PM with a score of 0
this was fun. i keep getting killed though lol.
on 2/2/2019 10:02:48 PM with a score of 0
This was simply amazing. I haven't been so immersed in a pirating tale since I read Treasure Island. Pirates may not be my thing, but this definitely brought out my sea-faring side!
on 12/13/2018 11:19:20 PM with a score of 0
Dope game. I thought that the pacing was a little fast, but to be fair, I would have never been able to write it better.
on 9/14/2018 2:10:34 PM with a score of 0
This game is really educational, well researched and well written.
on 7/3/2018 7:02:51 PM with a score of 0
Wow! this story sure had a LOT of sex in it! Seriously, though, I thought the pacing was really nice. I did think there needed to be a lot more detailed descriptions to paint the picture of the South Seas (and not just the Tahitian women's ginormous breasts, although that was a nice description). I kept encountering a lot of run-on sentences and comma splices. I also found a few passages with confusing syntax or missing words. Over-all, I did think it was a nice historical story-game. I just would like more detailed descriptions of the the islands, the oceans, the ships, and the attire of the sailors and such.
on 4/30/2018 5:24:39 PM with a score of 0
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