The Bloods: Chapter 1

Player Rating3.86/8

"#320 overall, #39 for 2013"
based on 132 ratings since 12/04/2013
played 617 times (finished 99)

Story Difficulty1/8

"no possible way to lose"

Play Length3/8

"A nice jog down the driveway"

Maturity Level3/8

"must be at least this tall to play"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 10. If this were a movie, it would probably be between G and PG.

In a world where the Bloods and humans mix, there is bound to be bad blood between the two. Try to fit in and make the right choices to ensure your success within the world of Metallics. 

*Will be multiple chapters posted separately. 

Player Comments

I really didn't like it as much as I should have, sorry.

The writing was really good, although a bit choppy at some points. Although I can't exactly see a clear picture of what's going on, I can use what details you provided to visualize the situations my character is in.

What caught me off guard was the fact that it's incomplete. I understand there was going to be multiple chapters, but that didn't happen and it's been years. So now, we have an incomplete story that I have no idea what happened in after the end of chapter one.

Another reason I disliked what you did with the whole multiple chapters idea was that, while it wasn't, it felt like a demo.

Like awesomeness1242 said, please work on your past tense/present tense writing, because a story doesn't make any sense when you change it like that. Even if you meant to switch between them, it sounds weird when they switch in the middle of a storygame. For example:

"Bob gets up, then he went downstairs."

It just doesn't sound right and it makes no sense.

I think you had a neat plotline here, and a good main idea for the storygame, but there were opportunities to flesh it out more. And more detail would have been nice :)

I'll say 3/8.
-- MinnieKing on 3/19/2017 2:08:58 PM
Pretty interesting story you've got going on here, and several of your scenes are doing pretty well. However, I would advise that you have to be a bit careful when doing Chaptered storygames, since there might be multiple outcomes on your future installments. If that is the case, pay heed to what you write; a story can branch out a lot of ways after this.

If that's too much trouble to deal with, you can make one large story instead, so you can keep track of how differently the player can digress from the other paths.

Good job. I want to see more of this.
-- Swiftstryker on 12/12/2013 9:02:53 AM
Good Job! For a First, Anyways.
I liked the idea, and where it was going. Sadly, I noticed a few things:
You seemed to switch around past and present-tense a couple times. And even when you were in the past tense mode (which is where I assume you intended to be), it felt awkward and out of place for a story. This is just a thought, but consider sticking the whole thing in present tense. Try it out. You may like it better.
The story revolves around colored blood, which seems to power you up somehow. While the idea itself was great and new, it wasn't executed all that great. Part of it was that the story just wasn't long enough, and it didn't let us do anything or try our own powers. I'd recommend stretching the story, and maybe even letting the player decide their lineage (but that can be another game :)).
Finally, there were only two options, and even then, they sent you to the same place eventually.
Other than these minor(ish) things, the story was simple with a smart idea, and I hope you make it longer or make a new one. Good job for a first!
4/8.
-- awesomeness1242 on 12/7/2013 9:19:03 PM
Next chapter, please. =-D
-- Quorrah on 1/16/2017 12:03:16 AM
Has some page errors, re-do it!
-- Jimmysutton on 4/6/2016 12:02:07 PM
Not the best I wish it was longer.
-- Fableheath on 2/25/2015 4:06:55 PM
I really enjoyed it. Lots of fun and the fact I'm a silver blood is really cool
-- radicalElixer on 1/27/2015 2:11:26 PM
I suggest putting in some sections that allow the reader to select the gender, the name, the color, and other options so these descriptions can be used instead of generic terms. It would eliminate the distracting portions where you type in (color) or some other generic term.
-- geneb208 on 5/21/2014 2:14:09 PM
I like the story its a new freah idea although some parts of the story seemed like it shouldnt be there try to maintain one tense. Other than that i really enjoyed it ^-^ good job
-- CyberPhantom on 12/8/2013 8:53:32 PM
I hope you make more chapters
-- zeke86198 on 12/7/2013 12:48:15 AM
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