The Multiverse Chalkboard
, #11 for
played 2,749 times (finished 176)
"wandering through the desert"
"It'll be a while, better grab a Snickers®"
"aren't you a little too old to be trick or treating"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG-13.
There is a sequence of runes which can lead you to alternate dimensions. There is a scientist posing as a teacher who has figured out how to manipulate these runes. There is you, who is somehow getting mixed up in all of this.
Okay, this was a decent story. A few things:
- Some of the wording left a bit more to be desired, such as 'You and James share a momentary look of shared terror'. Checking through carefully and reading it out loud can solve that pretty easily though and I only found a couple of grammatical mistakes. I would say to be wary of comma splicing though.
- The plot was a bit half baked and unbelievable. I found myself cringing a bit at the 'science' behind the portal. Calcium carbonate just seems so arbitrary. If you want a proper sci-fi explanation, I'd say something to do with quantum mechanics seeing as it's complicated enough to mould into loads of stuff and not well understood enough to refute. Also, I don't see the point of it all. Why go to another Universe? What the hell was the teacher thinking and why choose kids to go with him? (who disappeared for no explained reason. Was he a junkie pretending to be a teacher or what? Maybe an interdimensional being sent to misguide the youth?)
- The writing was pretty good, but the story was too short. If you want to develop characters, it's got to have a bit more effort than this. You'd at least expect to visit two different Universes with the promise of a Multiverse.
- I wasn't a fan of the whole zombie premise. If you wanted to write a zombie story, why not just write an actual zombie story? Why bother with the Multiverse?
- The ending was a little bit twee (the epilogue one, anyway. It'd be weird if any of the zombie death endings were twee... unless you fall in love with a zombie? You can have that plot idea. On the house.)
All in all, with a bit more effort this could be a really good story. Making another Universe option would get rid of the whole zombie premise argument thing.
on 6/9/2017 1:59:30 PM
That was ... dissapointing. The first thing that i came to notice was how bland the characters were, starting with myself, dissapointingly enough. I honestly find mildly funny how little this guy reacts to what's happening. There's this portal that brings you to other universes where anything can happen,and honestly he doesnt seem to give much of a sh*t, he seems a bit intrigued at best. The worst is that you are probably the least character of all the characters, and that's saying a lot, considering that the rest are: A jock, who hates you because ... because. A school diva, who you of course have a crush on. The childhood friend, who is your friend. I think there were other ones, that i sadly cannot remember.
And there's also our lovely professor, who for some reason decided it was a good idea to send teenagers on wild adventures in the multiverse, he is also not very good at choosing them. The strong jock and the nerd i guess i understand, but why recruit a person who doesn't respect your authority enough to not consult you before revealing the secret of your project? And what is the diva doing there? What did he see in her? Was he just desperate to find people?
Other than that, the narration is a bit lacking, this is a bit of a more personal note, but i would've prefered if it had been a bit more descriptive of the enviroment, the atmosphere and how the characters felt. My guess is that you ass the author didn't expect much of this story, but i still would encourage you to continue it with a bit more care.
on 8/10/2016 6:11:16 PM
While I enjoyed the story I couldn't help feel like it was meant to be much bigger. It's about a multi-verse yet only one other universe is ever explored.
Which brings me to my second point... of why? The motives of anyone aren't ever explained. Why is the doctor exploring these worlds? I thought his assistant had something to do with it at first, but he makes it clear he's sure he's dead. So why keep exploring when dangerous things are about?
Why use children to help explore, and why did the children agree? Why did they need more of them? Most of them seem to know just how dangerous it can be, yet they keep going. Did they just enjoy the novelty of entering new worlds? Did they stand to gain something by following the Dr?
Why were you invited? It seems the girl likes you, but what would that have to do with inviting you?
It's a cool setting, but I felt like it was left largely unexplored.
on 7/17/2016 3:24:30 PM
Short, but good game. Frank starts the apocalypse on my ending lol
-- Sam on 7/18/2017 5:38:16 AM
there is no win
on 6/29/2017 11:20:53 AM
Wow. Just Wow. Good story bu a little short
-- SuperDawg on 5/27/2017 2:22:18 AM
Realy? I wasn't expecting it to end so abbruptly. And be so linear
on 5/25/2017 10:03:45 PM
Overall, it was a pretty good book. Yes, it was a bit short but I really did like it!
-- them fantasy expert on 5/23/2017 9:41:26 PM
This was very well-written, but it doesn't actually go anywhere. It seems that moments after you enter the portal, the game's already over. The game goes on slightly longer if you pick different choices, but it really isn't very satisfactory and leaves your readers wanting more. There was barely enough time to get to know these characters, let alone explore this new universe.
on 5/10/2017 6:33:11 AM
Good game. I liked it alot . I could play over and over!
-- Georgia Nader on 9/17/2016 10:33:26 PM
Show All Comments
Help & Info
Who Is Online
version 20170008 | ChooseYourStory © 2001 - 2017, Halogen Studios Entertainment |