The Unwritten Jedi

Player Rating3.22/8

"#447 overall, #7 for 2009"
based on 106 ratings since 05/20/2009
played 1,968 times (finished 125)

Story Difficulty2/8

"walk in the park"

Play Length3/8

"A nice jog down the driveway"

Maturity Level2/8

"choking hazard for children under 4"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 6. To compare to the movie rating system, this would be G.

This is the story of Gabri Joo, a young Jedi Padawan. He torn between his loyality for the Jedi and for the power of the Sith. Will he stay a Jedi and save the galaxy? Or will be be drawn into the Sith's power-hungry grasp? It's up to you. May the Force be with you.

Player Comments

On a structural level the writing in this storygame is actually pretty good. For example, you have good grammar and sentence structure. You didn't use much detail but what you did use painted a nice picture in my mind. You also have a pretty okay understand of the understanding of the Star Wars universe, which is important when writing fanfiction. Using a two-manned starship to transport the master and padawan, such as a Y-Wing, was a nice detail. The only thing that stuck out was the Gungan speaking perfect Basic (the standard language of the Star Wars universe. Sounds like English to us).

I think your story had two major pitfalls. First, it was just too short. I think there were three choices made. And the pages were short too, with only a few sentences on each. This meant there was little character development, plot progression and little chance to flavor the text with details.

The second issue is the lack of meaningful choices. One of the choices was choosing which planet to go to, just simply clicking that determined whether or not the character fell to the darkside. A reader wants to feel they have more input over their characters decisions. If I'm going to fall to the darkside I want to it to be because I did something evil or was tempted by it.

I think you have a lot of potential as a writer, you just need to focus on longer scenes and your ability to show instead of tell. Give me more descriptions, show character's motivations and let them develop slowly.
-- Dottie_Snark on 3/29/2017 2:27:10 AM
Not bad. You're a pretty good writer and I think you'll probably get a lot better with time. Only problem I had with the story was the Sith endings. I'm fine with the whole him getting all angry and turning to the dark side thing, but it always says that he's doing this because he's decided the Sith are the good ones and so he goes around killing innocent people because it's the right thing to do. It doesn't make any sense.
-- Briar_Rose on 11/18/2012 4:11:13 PM
boring
-- blob on 10/30/2017 4:34:08 PM
It was ok
-- Lona Shanaz on 10/27/2017 8:35:29 AM
Very short, no build up, nothing to really get you hooked or interested before it ends. The writing has potential, but the story was just empty.
-- AM on 10/22/2017 7:26:13 AM
I thought that this short story was quite touching, and I really liked it. I did wish that it was longer though, but this was simple and sweet. You have a great amount of potential to be an excellent writer. In the future Neal, please try to make the games a bit more longer, and give it more detailed endings. You should elaborate on the characters feelings though. Otherwise, I thought this was a nice book, and you did a good job on it.

(I'm looking forward to your next Star-Wars games if you will create any!)
-- DiniTheWizard on 10/17/2017 10:06:34 PM
pretty good
-- AurondragonTyr on 10/6/2017 11:19:52 PM
Very short and simple. Needs more in the characters development. Could have been a lot longer. The story does have potential but as it is, it feels like the author just got tired and ended it in a rush.
-- BigRonn77 on 11/17/2016 2:48:45 PM
It was to short
-- CanadianMilk on 9/4/2016 8:36:10 PM
I would like to see this as a story but it is very very short. If this is a finished product I would give it a 1 or a 2 if its a work in progress I would go much higher. As it stands, I rated it a 4/8 whats here isnt bad but it def needs more to it
-- JinDary on 12/29/2015 10:14:31 AM
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