Traitorous Ossetian

Player Rating3.63/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 20 ratings since 02/15/2021
played 69 times (finished 22)

Story Difficulty3/8

"trek through the forest"

Play Length3/8

"A nice jog down the driveway"

Maturity Level4/8

"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.

(Please note this is my first storygame I am publishing, I have more in development stages. I will probably in the future release an update with better grammar and MAYBE an extra path)

1995, Georgia (The Country). You remember the girl who you loved. You remember her well, you remember her touch, her face, her weapon of choice. But that all went to pot when she left you. She wasn't Georgian like you, she was Ossetian, a spy for those dirty Ossetians who claim what is rightfully Georgia! Luckily, you've tracked her down through multiple sources right here in Tbilisi. Find her, kill her, and put an end to this traitorous girl. Please note offical endings will have the word Epilogue.

(Fun Fact, there is a street in Tblilisi called George W. Bush Street!)

Player Comments

Even if this in itself isn't breaking any new ground, it makes me excited for the potential of future works from this author. Typos aside (I know he had a self imposed deadline...) the writing is actually really capable and this had one of the more interesting settings of any modernish story I've read here.

Unfortunately in a lot of ways this felt like it didn't live up to its true potential. As I said, I loved the setting, but it was more like I was fond of just the idea of it as it's not really explored much in the story itself. There isn't much branching despite places where having more options seemed sensible, and the choice that does change the ending really shouldn't have any effect at all.

It all just seems like the perfect setup for a classic revenge story, which ultimately makes it all a little disappointing when it doesn't quite follow through. If HM isn't sick of this one already I could see (and would enjoy reading) this being expanded into a much more substantial adventure with more satisfying endings.

But for a first story meant to showcase writing ability this is perfectly serviceable, I hope to see the talent here put towards more ambitious storygames soon.


-- mizal on 2/18/2021 10:28:06 PM with a score of 0
First off, great setting and premise, it's very rare to see any writing/media about Eastern Europe that isn't about Russia, so the idea had me intrigued in the story before I even started reading. That's always a good thing.

The writing itself is decent, a couple typos (nothing major/disruptive), but you have an issue with repetitive sentence structure. You use a lot of sentences that are just "You go here. You do this. You think to yourself." This isn't great, because it's not that difficult to avoid, by adding in some parentheticals, or prepositional phrases, or whatever. I feel like this is the main detractor in the quality of this game.

Spoilers:
The plot is fairly good for how short the game is, although here there are a couple issues as well. Firstly, there's no real explanation about what happens from the description of the game to the beginning, UNTIL one of the epilogues. Why include this basic information at the end of the story, especially one that some people will never see. I personally went through a few different epilogues, and it's interesting that there are some that differ from the character's original purpose. I feel like there could be a bit more characterization or explanation behind these, because you don't have any motivation for these actions. This could be just my opinion though.

Overall, it's a pretty good first storygame, just working on some of these basic things will seriously improve the quality of your writing.
-- WizzyCat on 2/15/2021 11:20:35 PM with a score of 0
I know that this was rushed to publish before a deadline, and it’s pretty good for that. Overall, I enjoyed it. The writing is really good. However, my main criticism is about the dialogue. A large part of the story is dialogue, and as well as some not making sense, it is formatted incorrectly.

“I give your story a 5/8!” said 325boy, not “I give your story a 5/8!” Said 325boy.
-- 325boy on 2/24/2021 5:07:04 PM with a score of 0
What others have said, the writing is very good but there has isn't much to the plot. This idea could've been so much more.
-- AmritaB on 2/22/2021 12:20:53 PM with a score of 0
I really really liked this. Make More!
-- CarterBrazensky on 2/16/2021 8:41:32 PM with a score of 0
This is not a bad story by any means. It’s actually quite coherently written, which is something that I feel to be always important at the end of the day.

I’m not sure if it’s just my experience, but it seems like all roads in this story lead to the same end in a sense? The story referenced a “stolen Ducati“ that I’ve never stolen, but I do know that you can steal one in another path.

Would certainly be more careful of things such as that in any future stories that you might create for this site.

Besides that, I felt like this was worth the time that I’ve spent on reading it.
-- TharaApples on 2/16/2021 1:52:19 PM with a score of 0
This storygame, while not the worst I've ever read, has a lot of problems. There were some things I liked, and it's a good first try, but there are just so many glaring problems that I can't overlook. I got the epilouge where you confront her with the pistol and call the cops on her after reasoning with her for reference.

First is the world building. This is just super confusing. Maybe I just don't get it, but it seems there is some kind of war with a ton of contries who all aparantly are super close together. Once thing that caught me off guard from the start was how the main character is with this girl and they are the only ones? You would think there would be some kind of orginization backing them, and that they would come extract the main character or at the end he would go back to them? It seemed like they are the only two people on their side and that they are the only people in this war.

Speaking of the war, this does not seem like a war at all. The civilans are happy, cops chasing petty theives, and just all around nothing to indicate unrest at all. This could be building tension and you're some undercover spy for your side, which would make a lot more sense, but I didn't see that said anywhere so I'm just infering. And if you are a spy, why do you have no money behind enemy lines, and why don't you go back to your job after this mission. Oh yeah and speaking of petty bike theft, why the hell are cops chasing me to punching a guy and stealing his bike. This isn't gta, you aren't going to get a star for that. The cops have better things to do. Yeah they might come find you later, but you start to ride off, a cop sees you, and high tale speed chase insues. While this is kind of realisitc, you expect me to believe that you go on some back roads, and lose a cop, on a bike?! You wouldn't even make to hte back roads to lose them! You are on a bike, they are in a car.

Going off of that, that is mostly continueinty stuff that can be fixed, and some of it might just be stuff I missed, but a more pressing issue is the writing. Dialouge makes up a large amount of this game. That is not an issue. Dialouge is a very good way to make a scene interesting, and I think you found a good balance between dialouge and discription. But the dialouge just isn't realistic. At all. You don't have to write dialouge to be real, but it isn't good in a quirky way either. It just feels like a giant chore and I found myself cringing at the dialouge at multible points. I think the worst offense was when the character is about to confront the girl in her office, and there is a huge scene with the protag talking to himself in his head. I mean this can work, but here it just came across as off, and cringy.

Coming off dialouge your discriptions were a little better, but still not the best. Don't really have much to say about them that I haven't said in the world building section. Now you be asking yourself, how do I improve this. Now this question is both easy and hard to answer. The easy answer is to just write. There isn't really any way around it. You write words, you get better at writing words. You will improve, writing isn't something with super hard fast rules, beyond spelling and grammar and things like that, you just have to learn how to write better, and the main way to do that is by writing. Saying that you might want to look into looking up some writing advice, espically centered around dialouge since you seem to like writing dialouge heavy stories, Writing tips can only get you so far, I myself have looked at very, very many and have watched countless hours of writing youtube and still suck, but if you find it interesting it can help. Don't force yourself to watch writing videos, or read articles if you don't like doing it, and don't expect it to help you a ton, but it will help in a lot of ways if you do it

Now that was a lot of berating, so let me tell you some things I did like. The spelling and grammar was great. Keeping in mind that you wrote this in two weeks, or a little bit over with 15 days, the word count is impressive coming in at about 490 words a day. The fact that you were able to do that and keep the spelling and grammar in check is impressive. I also liked that this isn't a copy of our world. It seemed to me that the countries have moved around and that this is a unique world. That is rare to see in the modern adventure genre, typically the setting is modern day earth.

In conclusion is this game good? No. Would I recommend it to others or re read it myself? No. But is this a solid first attempt made in only two weeks? Yes, and I think if you keep on writing you will create good stories and since you only made this in two weeks it shows that if you took a bit longer you might be able to make something better. My advice to you is to read some of the featured stories, any thing by EndMaster for fantasy, my favorite is Necromancer, and for other genre's the featured ones are good. For you next story you might want to try going a bit bigger. Maybe 15k words? Or try another story of this size and focus on getting dialouge right. This story was a good start, so try and follow up on that and make sure you take your time with your next one

4/8
-- MrAce321 on 2/15/2021 10:35:24 PM with a score of 0
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