HelpfulConnoisseur, The Contributor

Member Since

4/19/2020

Last Activity

10/25/2021 12:55 AM

EXP Points

106

Post Count

153

Storygame Count

0

Duel Stats

0 wins / 1 loss

Order

Sage

Commendations

1

No Profile Entered

Trophies Earned

Earning 100 Points

Recent Posts

A CYS Halloween Special on 10/25/2021 12:54:40 AM

The story was good, and I liked it, though, like Lux, I found the description about the box, the tarp, and the vent confusing.


Hi am a new person on 10/21/2021 2:35:23 AM

Poor grammar and spelling, inconsistent capitalization, unfinished branches... have you even looked at your story?


Baiting and Fishing Again on 10/21/2021 2:30:56 AM

By indent, I'm sure Thara means add a space between your paragraphs, which I'm sure the site's editor does by default so I'm not sure how you managed to get all your paragraphs bunched together.


Corgi vs Fem - Vote! on 10/13/2021 3:45:43 AM

Both stories had numerous grammatical errors, but the first one additionally suffered from many continuity errors. Like the other esteemed judges, I will be visiting a doctor, perhaps a geriatrician since the other specialists have been fully booked. First though, I will leave my thoughts on the first story. I won't cover the second one since the blonde warrior covered the grammar issues for the second one pretty well already, and I have a feeling the author would have spotted them on his own if he gave the story even a single proofread. As for Fem's story:

First of all, the missing quotation mark right at the start certainly doesn't bode well.

Amanda heard a thud outside the room, but before she could say anything, her mother rushed her to a window and made her get onto a tree right next to it.

It's not entirely clear how Amanda goes from a window right onto a tree. Is she on the second floor? If so, that's not obvious from the preceding text and should have been mentioned in the setup..

Amanda nodded again and went off to hide,

This clearly contradicts what was said earlier:

"Okay sweetie, I'll hide and you seek. But you need to go outside, okay? "Yes mommy!"

First continuity error.

Startled, she was about to get up, but a movement stopped her. A tall, muscular man with a bloody knife clutched in his hand rushed out of the house. 

How did this man finish the deed, run down from the second house, and get out the door before Amanda is even able to stand up. Was she frozen in shock? That should be mentioned.

Amanda stood still, taking note of his features.

Extremely unrealistic action for a young girl and that she wasn't caught while staring, but I'll excuse it as a convenient plot device.

 

But that was a long time ago. A lot happened since then, her mother was dead (just in case you didn't figure it out) and you're probably thinking 'Atleast she still has her father, right?' Wrong, her father died of a heart attack when she was two. So that led to her getting put into an orphanage, but the people running it were irresponsible little fucks and she had died of starvation in all but a few days.  

Extremely jarring fourth wall break. Also contains a comma splice and 2 run-on sentences. You need a comma when "and" is used to link 2 independent clauses.

But, by some miracle, she awoke again, as a ghost, that is. 

The last comma is extraneous.

Rage shot through her and before she knew it, she was lunging at him, no holds barred.

 Missing comma before the and.

Instead her fist went right through his head. Surprised, she swung over and over, getting the same result every time.

There's absolutely no way she spent years as a ghost without figuring out that she can't interact with physical objects. Completely breaks immersion.

Feeling drawn to it, she almost unwilling moved towards it, eventually tracing it towards a pencil. 

"unwillingly"

They were intimidating people, practically six feet of pure muscle. 

This isn't technically wrong, grammatically speaking, but I initially read "intimidating" as a verb and thought the cops were intimidating random people. I would suggest "intimidating-looking" or using a different adjective.

Why are they chasing him, is he a criminal?

Comma splice.

Lucas paused for a moment and then, understanding the situation he was in, put his hands in the air. 

Did he not understand the situation before? Seem implausible.

Meanwhile, Amanda was pondering the situation, 'So, he's a serial killer huh? Well, since he's killed so many people, it won't affect him to kill just one more...right?' 

Quotes have to follow directly after the verb.

Convincing herself, she possessed Lucas again, causing the police to gasp.

It's not clear that she previously possessed Lucas to begin with or, if she had, that she had ever stopped doing so. Also, how would the police even know that he got possessed?

Using the pencil, she stabbed first one policeman, then the other and kicked them in the balls, for good measure.

Pencils are not exactly known for their lethality as weapons. There's not way she could get away with killing both officers without being shot.

She had enough common sense not to murder him in broad daylight.

What? She just murdered 2 police officers in broad daylight, and now she's afraid killing a third person will get her caught? 

Entering the house, she had seen the murderer, who she nicknamed 'A' short for 'Asshole who murdered my mother', it was about to be 'Awmmm' but that sounded wierd, so she stuck with A.

Holy mother of run-on sentences. Also, "it was about to be" is incorrect here and should be "it was going to be". "Weird" is also spelt wrong.

 

Creeping closer, she cocked the gun to his head and taking a deep breath shot the trigger. But, her grip was not prepared for the strength that the bullet would fly out with and she missed, the bullet only skinned his nose.  

There's no way a point-blank shot could miss that badly even if you released the gun the moment after pulling the trigger. The bullet is already on its way before you can feel the recoil.

He clearly had much more experience with it that Amanda did

 "than"

 

she grabbed a knife she spotted on his nightstand and lunges at him.

Tense change

 

There were several more comma splices, but I'm sure you can find them on your own. Also, I found the whole pencil side-arc to be distracting and underdeveloped. The story would have been better off without it.

Anyways, it looks like Fem already conceded, so I'll withhold my vote. 


Corgi vs Fem - Vote! on 10/13/2021 2:27:07 AM

I'm pretty sure "signalling her to be quiet" is gramattically correct. Also, keeping dialogue from multiple speakers within the same paragraph isn't a grammatical error; it's a stylistic choice. Not a very popular choice when writing stories but a choice nonetheless.


Corgi vs Fem - Vote! on 10/13/2021 2:11:36 AM

You know they're bad when an English professor mistakes 2 short stories for essays.


Analytical Paper on 10/8/2021 3:31:52 AM

inferior grasp of confusion doctrine

Perhaps not being confused all the time is why Japan was able to conquer Korea. 


Will Ebon return? on 9/29/2021 12:40:24 AM

Didn't you bet that he would return by the start of fall? It's been fall for 5 days already.


Adding pictures on 9/24/2021 1:32:56 AM

You had me worried for a second there since I browse the forums as a guest.


Adding pictures on 9/23/2021 2:30:03 AM

I suppose it's part of the boomer mentality to distrust any nonstandard web domain, not that I would ever accuse our almighty admins of being boomers.