9/21/2024

11/18/2024 7:04 PM

16

1

1 win / 0 losses

Warden

Scapegoat

You're a sacrificial goat. Or something like that, you did just die after all.

There's a lot of religious imagery and trauma ahead, just warning you.



Entry for Sherbert's Summer's End Synergy Contest.

Faggot here, am I allowed to put more furry stories up or is there a limit per user?

Thank you Sherb for holding this contest, and thanks to all the other participants. Congrats to the winners! I took a quick peek at some of them and I’m excited to start reading and (slowly) writing comments for each. I had a great time writing mine, and grateful for the helpful critique I’ve recieved so far.

I just fixed it! I forgot how to use html temporarily.

I think I've checked enough, so here it is! It's quite short but I'm not unhappy with it. https://chooseyourstory.com/story/scapegoat

Never pay your taxes! :D

I like Ogre.

Both stories were really well done, good job. The concept for A was interesting, and the journal entries have a nice contrast to the ending. I found a few typos in A, namely "dumbfoundee" and "amd". The characterization and dialogue in B really captured me. There were a few small grammatical errors in each, but overall both are pretty polished for the time limit. I'm voting B for the apple gore. I also support the lesbian pirates.

You have to add it to your pictures in the "My Stuff" tab first.

I'm excited to read those memory pages if you add them, would definitely add more depth to the purge command. By setting the tone, I did mean expressing the urgency of the deadline. It could also be a point in the right direction for someone trying to get to the best ending, especially if a player feels trapped in a loop and doesn't quite know what they're doing. I feel it would allow them to move on to trying other things.

I took a glance at it, the first thing that caught my attention is that the link to the "What to do from here?" page is "Do something something else..." I also feel as if there's an overuse of ellipsis, and the onomatopoeia at the beginning of each loop is a bit off-putting. On the "What are these brain blackouts?" page in the fourth paragraph it should be a "--" on either side because you're using em dashes like commas. You did it with the other example on that page, so you should keep it consistent. On a few other pages I also noticed this, so it might be best to look over the whole thing and stick to either single dashes or double dashes. I even feel like you might be overusing them? I see at least one on each page and it takes away from the impact to some degree, but that's a nitpick. The questions at the beginning also provide a bit of an info dump, which my eyes kept glazing over. Although it is more of a puzzle game than a story, perhaps you could put a bit of story-based exposition at the beginning so we can get some knowledge of the world building and our narrator. How exactly is AI leading to the world's demise? And how would this Natural MI help? This is my personal opinion, but I don't think the helmet needs more explanation than its function? Of course it's not like you shouldn't provide it, but in a more subtle way would be easier for the reader to take in. The fork concept is fun, it reminds me of SOMA. I also feel like it could be more of a subtle delivery, but I don't mind it being known from the start. I want to see a bit more writing on each page. There's a story, but the more direct telling doesn't make me feel bad that the narrator is getting cheated on. More emotional investment would raise the stakes, and I feel it'd be interesting if there was a page that set the tone halfway or two-thirds into each route. The time limit doesn't feel like much of a time limit. And I wish you didn't directly state which endings were bad, and instead showed it through some longer segments of prose. The game really picks up in the second act, the formatting and usage of items is quite fun. I feel like there's an opportunity for more development in the "memories" you can replay. Each option just directs to the same page. I purged everything and felt nothing, but that may be because I'm an unfeeling bitch. My final thoughts, keep it up! It's pretty entertaining and challenging to click through, and giving the reader more reasons to care couldn't hurt.