Tarktark Klawface was the Bloodstab nation's most prolific historian, and rightly so. As a lich employed by the Goblin King, he had been there for the majority of the battles in which the righteous Goblin Horde took Big Island from the treacherous humans, and he had been vigorously documenting Humans and their lifestyles in an attempt to better understand them. His insights into the many weaknesses of these cunning giants may well have won them the war, and he was given an opulent (well, opulent by Goblin standards) museum next to a great landmark on the cold side of the island.
"The hoomans is tricksy," Tarktark said to his tour group as he handled a tiny, hollow spear, "so tricksy in fact, that they steal the tricks of other animals in order to bamboozle and harm their enemies! What you see here is a tiny spear, but watch! Do not let its diminutive size deceive you of its dangerousness!"
The skeletal goblin activated the fountain spear, squirting ink into the face of his assistant. The crowd gasped.
"With this tiny instrument of inky death, the hooman's enemy can be blinded from seemingly nowhere! Just the same way that the finger fish blinds his foes! But the hooman does not retreat like the finger fish, for now, the hooman is free to STAB STAB STAB!"
The crowd of goblins was horrified by the revelation, their tiny, carnivorous mouths hung agape.
"So vile and primitive is the hooman, that the females must practice being bludgeoned with the special rubber fingers that males have in order to survive reproduction!"
There was another gasp as Tarktark revealed a wall of rubber bludgeoning fingers, some were even the size of clubs.
"Some even have theories that the purple ones were removed from fellow hoomans as an act of revengeance! So brutal is the hooman reproductive process. Instead of biting animals, or creating civilized food sacks so that offspring can naturally burst out of and devour, hoomans use themselves as meat sacks!"
To the terrified screams of the audience, Tarktark beat his assistant over the head with the rubber model, holding the Finger of Bludgeoning between his legs as male humans do.
"A hooman will reproduce like so! And over the course of a week or so, the hooman that was beaten will get fat, and a larvae will burst out from their chests just like with Goblins! However, a hooman has defenses to keep its offspring from devouring it entirely. It moves the excess fat into bags on its chest, and will feed it to the larvae until its craving for flesh is satisfied!"
The goblins were in utter shock now. Some were squeaking and flailing with tears of shock, others had vomitted, most were doing some combination of the two while running in circles.
"But this spear and these fingers are but mere trinkets in the face of what I am about to show you, my goblin kin! For this magnificent wheel outside is truly the greatest feat of hooman engineering! Which is why we destroyed the engine, so it can never harm us again!"
He ushered excited goblins outside, and ran up to the wheel. "BEHOLD! THE MIGHTY BUCKET WHEEL OF THROWING!"
It was a massive, steel thing that had been reconstructed many times over the years. It looked like two birds sitting backwards on each other's feet.
"This wheel was constructed by a mighty wizard some centuries before the war! It was used to suck all boats into its concrete river, scoop them up into one of its large troughs, and then hurl them into the sky with the power of LIGHTNING! But there was only one flaw in the wizard's plan. Hoomans were simply too fat for the machine to throw. Goblins, however, were not. So, the wheel saw much use in the war for Big Island as a destroyer of boats in the concrete river! But goblins is MIGHTY and SMART! After a while, we carried our boats alongside the river so that the wheel could not get ahold of us! The surprise allowed us to kill the stupid hoomans and break their machine!
That is why this wheel is the greatest monument for our victory over Big Island! Even greater than the giant donger! The giant donger was incapable of killing! It was a useless and frivolous invention that the hoomans designed to dong loudly every midday in order to scare goblins away. But goblins is BRAVE! And so we BRAVELY raided the donger and destroyed its ticking innards when we were sure nothing was in it and no hooman were around to stop us, to show the world how unafraid we were of the noise!"
The goblins were moved by Tarktark's patriotic explanation, and were clapping and cheering madly.
"You too can destroy the evil machines of hoomans by joining King Bloodstab the 800th in his next good and big war! Today, goblins, the Bloodstab nation attackses the hoomans in the Cheesemaker mountains! It is a great moment in history, Goblins, and you can be a part of it! Consult the nearest bucketmaker for travelling options across the channel!"
E: 18 frijoles for each real world thing you recognize.
