Forums » Creative Corner » Read Thread

This week's prompt is based on Gower's suggestion of a double dactyl! A rather restrictive form of poetry, but that's what makes them more interesting! 

A double dactyl is a two stanza form with four lines in each stanza.

The first three lines of each stanza are composed of two dactyls each (BUM-da-da BUM-da-da) and the last line of each stanza is a dacytl plus one syllable (BUM-da-da-dah).

The only required rhyme is the end of each stanza.

 

There are some other rules as well to make it harder:

1) The first line is some form of themed nonsense

2) The second line is a proper name or a place name

3) One other line must be a single word

 

---------------------------------

Clickety-typeity

Endmaster, Endmaster

Rules all his subjects, a

Dark antipope.

 

Spewing his vitriol

Omnidirectional

Should I just log off or

Should I just rope?

-------------------------------------------

 

Here's another one I wrote:

 

A Meditation on Buffy, season seven

 

Grr-argh-argh-grr-argh-argh

Alyson Hannigan

Made out with Tara, and

Xander, and Oz

 

Her season seven crush

Unidimensional

I've got a case of the

Kennedy blahs.

---------------------------------------------------------------

X for stressed

- for unstressed

and

/ for a medium stress

 

The meter of this poem should be

X - - X - -

X - - X - -

X - - X - -

X - - /            (this line...)

 

X - - X - -

X - - X - -

X - - X - -

X - - /          (...rhymes with this line)

Happy Writing!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_dactyl

@Gower @Ozoni @Mayana @Orange @Cricket @Austinc @ninjapitka @IsentinelPenguin @Fiscean-Chef @The_Broken_God @castorgreatpoetguy @TharaApples

Points list:

Gower: 11 

Ozoni: 8

Mayana: 4

Orange: 11

Austinc: 6

IPenguin:4

Fiscean:4

Broken god:4

Thara:4

Cricket:5

Castor: 4 (I forgot to review yours, sorry :P)

Me: 9 ( No one rated mine. So I gave myself the minimum 3 points. C'mon guys! At least give me a rating if not a review.)

Why did you tag me?

I'm tagging everyone who participated. I won't nexttime if you don't want to be tagged.

Please don't. I got all excited over being tagged for a moment. D:

Lol alright.

Either you forgot to include me in the points list or you're taking my username to another level.

My Endmaster poem will be my own submission for this one.

Could you copy and paste it here? 

Edit: Oh yeah, it's alreday there in the description. 

The poem was extremely humorous, since well you managed to accurately describe the sheer pain one goes through upon experiencing Endmaster’s wrath. Well, nothing wrong with the meter, or anything, and the poem manages to get the message across in brevity. So 5 points! The poem got me into a laughing fit for half a minute.

 

This is probably bad, but here is my attempt at a Sir Osis fan poem.

Trotaty Clopaty
Sir Osis, Sir Osis
Helps all of the people,
An average sir knight.

Riding his noble steed
Uninterestingly
Amazing Sir Osis
He does what is right.

 

I got fanfiction?
HELL YEAH!
I like this kid.

That is really cool!  The meter is almost perfect--the only lines that aren't in perfect meter are the next to last one (if it had been "Noble Sir Osis" or "Awesome Sir Osis" it would have been) and line 2, which is a knotty problem, because the name should have the stress on "OS", but instead has the stress on "SIR"--but nothing you can do about that!

The last two lines of each stanza are really solid, with a perfect rhythm -- and "uninterestingly" is the perfectly funny one-word line for the subject matter.

Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind for any future poems I write. 

The context of the poem is good, it’s nice that it’s based on a recent story too. I don’t know why, but the third line of the first stanza just feels vaguely strange? Maybe because you kind of abruptly jumped between ‘helps all of his people’ to ‘an average sir knight’ without a connector in between the two. I know its probably be to match the mete, but maybe you could’ve made something like-

‘Helps the meek, as any,

An average sir knight.’  (Hey Gower, please do mention if I messed up the meter)

This way, here I’m trying to say like any other average knight, Sir Osis helps the meek. I don’t abruptly change the context from describing his personality to describing who he is; rather I make a connection between the two so the context can flow smoothly.

Also, well in the whole original Sir Osis story, he’s a foolhardy knight who always acts like he’s about be average, so maybe you could’ve expressed that? Instead of plainly revealing the truth, since that’s what makes his character so rich. But I’m just nitpicking at this point.

Second stanza is good, I would’ve liked a metaphor or something in place of simply ‘he does what is right’ but I’m nitpicking again.

Overall good poem! 4 points.

 

 

You could do:

 

Helps the meek as any

Average sir knight

Thanks!

Oh lol,I’ve made some terrible typos here.

‘He’s a foolhardy knight who always acts like he’s above average.’

 

 

At least it's something:

 

Clickety-Clackety

Johnny Reb, Johnny Reb

Loads his old musket, with

Everything but soap

 

Shooting the enemy

Unintentionally

Shooting everything

Except for the pope

 

Mine is horrible 

A short history lesson: in the Civil War, Southern soldiers were called “Johnny Reb” and Northern ones were called “Billy Yank”

Good topic!  The meter needs some work--the first three lines are just right, but the fourth line sort of wants to be "Nothing but soap" instead of "Everything but soap" because the latter has one too many syllables.

"Unintentionally" isn't a double dactyl word because you would have to say it "un-in-ten-TION-al-ly" instead of how you actually say it (un-in-TEN-tion-al-ly).

The next line has one too few syllables and the one after that one too many (maybe try "Shooting at everyone / Well, not the pope" or whatever.)

"Loads his old musket with" and "Shooting the enemy" are perfect double dactyl lines, though. 

Thanks for the criticism!

I’m not that aware of soldiers from the day of the civil war, but this poem adds a good contrast to the character. Most people would expect the same old generic ‘disciplined soldier’ with deadeye accuracy because of years of training, the first stanza however, paints a different picture. Nice use of the ‘pope’ and ‘soap’ metaphors, they were in just the right place, context-wise.

Creative use of words here, and the whole essence of a double dactyl is following the maxim ‘brevity is the soul of wit’ which the poem achieved thoroughly.

I’m really tempted to give this 5, but the poem doesn’t follow the meter correctly in some places, as Gower mentioned. Maybe if you used something like, 

‘shooting in a manner,

incredulously,’  

Or some other different use of words to match the meter. 

Overall, nice poem! 4 points!

 

 

 

 

Jiggily, Biggily,

Mia Khalifa,

Got famous for reasons, I’m

Not too sure of,

 

Watching her Twitch stream,

Mesmerizingly,

I see now the trait,

Or two her fans love.

(Shou asked me to help comment on meter, so here I am, giving some feedback!)

Good choice of person to write about.  Remember that the double dactyl lines (the first three of each stanza) have to have six syllables each--your second line has five, your third has seven, your fifth line has five, and your sixth line has five as well.

MES-mer-iz-ing-ly is how I would pronounce that word.  For it to be a double dactyl, you want the pattern to be BUM-bum-bum-BUM-bum-bum.  Like "extracurricular" or "bisexuality."

Your lines four and eight are perfectly metered, though.

Thanks Gower. To be honest, I don't really understand this poetry stuff. I was just following the three guidelines from the original post and the format of others. Appreciate the feedback.

No, no, you totally do nearly have it.  If you read it out loud, you'll hear what you have to do.  It's so close.  If you just did something like

 

Ms. Mia Khalifa,

Famous for reasons, I’m

Not too sure of

 

and read that out loud, you'll hear how just nudging it a few syllables here and there creates that sing-song meter that this poem needs.  You are like 98% of the way there.

Oh my god, I just couldn’t control my laughter after this one! Wow, looks like double dactyls, or any other short lines style poems are really good at humour. Well, I have absolutely no complaints with the context, the flow of the topic is good, funny and manages to provide a lot in little words. (Just be careful when you leave for work next time, those die hard fans could track you down...) 

Also, ‘Jiggily-biggily’ are the exact words required in the poem’s beginning. Good use of words overall.

I was kind of hoping for some witty criticising line in the poem, like a pun or something, but I’m just overthinking and nitpicking this.

As for the meter, other than what Gower mentioned about the syllables, I have a vague feeling that the rhythm is a bit...’topsy-turvy’ -ish. Like they don’t match together when you read it out loud.(I think this is a direct consequence of the syllable problem.)

Overall, a hilarious poem! 4 points!

I think I have the correct amount of syllables per line, but I don’t know if I got the correct rhythm.



Mineity-buildity

Minecraft Steve, Minecraft Steve

Chopping down acacia,

And some oak too!



Building a cool house that,

Architecturally,

Contains multitudes more

Beauty than you!

The first stanza would work if "acacia" were pronounced "A-ca-cia" but I think it's pronounced "a-CA-cia."  Otherwise, the first stanza is right, meter-wise.

Arch-i-TECT-ur-al-ly is how I say the sixth line, with one single stressed word.  You want BUM-ba-ba-BUM-ba-ba, so that makes you have pronounce the word ARCH-i-tect-UR-al-ly.  Is that how you pronounce that word?  It may be a UK English thing.

That word throws you off for the next line of the second stanza, so you get

CON-tains mul-TI-tudes more

Which if you say out loud, you'll hear is off.

 

But, I've just realized you can google "double dactyl words" to help find a proper line six!  That's useful.

I can’t hear the difference between stressed and unstressed syllables. I just go for the count and hope for the best. Are any of my lines correct? Also, are you grading these, or are you just critiquing them? What’s the point in putting in 10 minutes if I don’t get any poetry points?

Shou is grading them, but she asked me to help with meter.

When you say the word "banana" can you hear which syllable has the stress?

 

Rhythm is more or less, okay; ‘minecraft Steve’ being repeated twice is sounding a wee bit off, but I think that’s just me. Maybe something like ‘builder Steve’ repeated twice sounds better? ( I know it will not suit the  minecraft theme, but just giving an example.)

I like the ending twist you gave, by directing an insult to the reader; gives it a slight humorous tinge. I’m not that much of a player of minecraft, but I think that mostly all the trees there are just pixel and there’s very little difference right? If so, then fact that you gave those pixel trees names, is creative and makes the poem more realistic, despite being based on a game. 

Is this ‘minecraft Steve’ some youtuber who plays minecraft? If that’s true, then the poem does have a more proper meaning to it. 

‘Building a cool house, that’ sounds a bit too simple-ish. You could’ve added something else, like 

‘Building a house that is,

Metaphorically, (I went with ‘me-ta-pho-ri-ca-lly’)

As cool as ice, and is,

Cooler than you!’ 

This way, the poem can express the same fact you mentioned, but in a slightly more unusual way. What I’m trying to say is, try and use such ‘twist and turns’ to add more flair to the poem, so that it could add an extra creative touch.

Gower, covered the part of syllables, and I would just like to add that expressing stressed and unstressed is totally based on pronunciation. If I ever have a doubt, what I usually do is google the word and use the google voice so that the word is pronounced properly. Try doing that next time, in case you’re not sure about the syllables.

Overall, the poem was nice, and the context was creative. 4 points.

Tippity-tappity, 

Walks around Suzy, with, 

Little heels, she was in, 

Excited bliss.

 

But then she, tripped and fell, 

Failed like this, poet who,

Double-dactyllically, 

Foresighted miss. 

 

 

(Is it alright if I use the second line which should be a name in this way? I mean, the rule did say I had to include a name, which I did, right?)

It probably isn’t smart to edit-lock your poem as soon as you ask, but I’m not judging. I don’t think it is ok, but ask @Gower because he will give you a straight answer. 

To be really strict, the second line is only supposed to contain the proper name and that's it.

But poetry is all about pushing limits anyway.
 

Ooh--you need to make a pun on "feet"--in a poem about high heels and meter, you *need* it.

I thought this was pretty awesome.  I give it a straight up 5.

Thanks!

Vividly, Lividly,

Finnegan, Finnegan,

Attempting to write a

Half-decent book.

 

Succumbed to distraction,

Insubordination...

Shouja made a new post,

Might as well look.

Gah, that was difficult to make.

This summarizes my work ethic...

For line three try, "Trying to author a" so that you get the dactylic rhythm.  (because at-TEMPT-ing) has the stress on the second syllable, not the first one where you want it.

Same deal with suc-CUMB-ed  (Maybe "Lost in distraction...")

I say "IN-sub-ORD-in-A-tion" rather than "IN-sub-ord-IN-a-tion" as you have it.

I really like "vividly, lividly" and the lines "Half-decent book" and "Might as well look" are in perfect meter.  I also like the whole meta aspect of the poem. I like the theme overall a lot.

I like this one, gives off a ‘self-loathing’ -ish vibe, and it’s sweet and simple getting across the point clearly. Aside from what Gower pointed out about the meter, in the line ‘Shouja made a new post’ even though it is in meter, it sounds a bit off. If I have to bold the stressed syllables- ‘Shou-ja-made-a-new-post’  I somehow tend to perceive it as ‘Shou-ja-made-a-new-post’ maybe I’ve misinterpreted the stressing, but I tend to stress the ‘made’ and not the ‘a’. 

Overall, this was a good attempt. 4 points!

 

Triplet, triplet

Dragonet, Dragonet

Why can I not quite get

This song in band

 

Crazy futility

Responsibility

To my extreme surprise

One day it clicks

This meter is *exactly* right!  The only tiny comment I have is that the two stanzas don't rhyme--you need line four and line eight to rhyme.  ("it comes to hand" for the last line?  This is a tricky one.)

The context of the poem is nice, the poet trying to explain their struggle in making their song in band, or rhythm. I didn’t get the reason for choice of words in your first and second lines though. Triplet is a type of rhythm of notes in music, that’s fine, but dragonet is a type of fish?(Correct me if I’m wrong) If you were trying to imply dragonette, a music band, that would make more sense. 

Meter is good, the poem flows more or less in rhythm, and as for dealing with that rhyming word pair maybe you could change the last line to ‘one day it can’ implying that, one day the song did go into band/rhythm. 

Overall the poem is concise and well put together. 4 points!

Dragonet is supposed to mean "small dragon" Why?

I was playing music from How to Train your dragon and it rhymed.

P.S. Sorry for the delayed response.

Thanks to everyone who tried my ridiculous suggestion of the double dactyl.  This was really fun to read everyone's.

Looking forward to villanelle week!

Yup, even though it was relatively challenging, I enjoyed writing this prompt.

I'll make the new thread in a few moments.