First, the disclaimers: this is my review. It is likely not like anyone else’s. In fact, you probably couldn’t find anyone else who completely agrees with what I write here. But it’s my opinion. I’m also writing this as I read through this for the first time. These are my first impressions as I read it. I’m not saying they’re right, just what I’m thinking. This is written in the spirit of helping you see how others (okay, me) see your story and to perhaps give you ideas for improvement, and not to be mean or anything else. Please don’t take it personally. This review is likely worth exactly what you paid for it. Finally, you did ask.
Here we go:
Okay, fiddly sticks. Whatever. But they’re on the dashboard, so points out Harvey. So I’m picturing a dashboard with popsicle sticks point up, about a dozen of them. But now they’re talking about a test and mother. Okay. So at this point my guess is that we have two aliens who are out for a joyride in mom’s stolen space ship that has popsicle sticks pointing around on the dashboard and the alien kids don’t know what any of them mean. So we might be just about out of gas, or about to crash into another planet, I’m not sure. We’ll see.
Wait, now I’m there. I wasn’t there, but now not only am I there, I’m now the pilot of the stolen alien ship. Does this mean that I’m an alien, too? Am I in cahoots with the other alien kids out for a joyride? Do I know if the fiddly sticks mean I’m just about out of gas? Oh wait, I opened a window in my space ship, so I guess there’s oxygen here – or maybe not if I’m some kind of alien. But I have boots and I just stepped in something, or perhaps someone, since there’s aliens. Maybe I just stepped on one of the two guys talking in the beginning of this story.
But now I’m talking to myself. Where in the hell did Harvey go? He was right next to me a minute ago. I really think I just stepped in Harvey and killed him, and apparently I’m totally unaware of that fact. Of course, now I’m wondering, since I thought it was lunch, if I’m aware of the aliens, and I often eat them for lunch; or if I’m utterly unaware of Harvey and the fact that I just squashed him. I also wonder if Harvey has any family. Or life insurance. But I’m apparently in sync with my character in the story, as time suddenly flies by while I’m standing there with goo on the bottom of my boot on maybe a runway for my stolen alien ship.
Hey look! Harvey’s back from the dead! He may be in the cockpit of … the ship I just landed? And he’s impressed that he got the stolen alien ship to start up? I’m pretty sure he was with me when I landed here literally just a minute ago (though time passage is a little shaky right now, what with me killing aliens and time flying by). But hey, Ima jump right back into the ship I just got out of with Harvey, excited for a chance for excitement… in the ship I just landed a moment ago.
So now I’m sitting next to Harvey who, instead of actually flying the stolen alien spacecraft, is just making the noise pretending to fly like a three-year old. Either that or he’s cold, I’m not completely sure here. But hey, he pulled the right lever and now we’re flying (again). But at least I’m worried about him getting caught by the radars (though not so much when I was flying). Oh wait, now we’re not in a stolen alien spacecraft, we’re in a stolen expensive plane and it’s 2AM. Why are we running around at 2AM? And there’s no security at all? Doesn’t sound like too expensive a plane.
So we’ve been hovering a foot off the ground, staying under radar. Now Harvey wants to take a break. Maybe he’s tried from making all the flying noises with his mouth. But at least he took the plane down the one foot we’ve gone up with a nice spiral off the runway and into the grass. I’m not sure a plane in a spiral is a great place for a plane to go, but maybe it’s a special alien plane after all. I step on a bush, but then I’m ambushed by a tree! And a bird. I’m a few feet off the runway, but I’ve never noticed the grass, trees, and birds here. So maybe I’m not on the moon, I don’t know for sure.
My good pal Harvey exits and I’m wondering why the door squeaks if this is such a new super-secret, super-expensive plane/alien ship, but maybe he was just making more noises with his mouth. And now he’s petting the grass. But at least I can see a moving fence. I mean, the fence must be moving because I’m looking around carefully, but I only caught a glimpse of the fence that’s made of wire. At least I can tell the difference between artificial light and normal light – especially since it’s 2 in the morning and I’m not sure if there’s normally lots of non-artificial light wherever I am (I’m still not convinced I’m on the moon with mom’s stolen alien spaceship).
So now I hear a animal type noise from an animal hiding in the grass. How tall is this grass? Well, at least Harvey’s rolling around on the ground so I can kick him, even though he stole a gun. Because most instructors have guns in their room. Wait, are we student pilots? I’ll head back to the plane for my cap. Because I took that off earlier. I think. Was I wearing it while flying in the plane? I would think a helmet would be better when in a plane, but if it’s the stolen alien spaceship, I can see a cap. Is it a Trump MAGA cap?
Wow, that is some seriously strong felt. Every time I’ve seen felt, it is soft and tears under the slightest pressure. But not my stolen alien spaceship felt on the seat. Oh wait, that’s it, isn’t it? It’s alien felt, which is clearly much stronger than human-made earth felt. Good thing, too, or I probably would have fallen back out of the stolen plane and landed on Harvey with his stolen gun. Then certainly the gun would have gone off and the panting animal hiding in the two-inch tall surprise grass surely would have been shot and killed.
At least we’re leaving this scary place with… grass. I’m glad Harvey got to eat some before we left, since it’s clearly a rare commodity here on the moon. My logic skills are a little weird, since I think that if a place is a place where you go to unwind, then you shouldn’t be there long. Now certainly that’s true if you’re a wind-up car or a wind-up soldier, but otherwise unwinding is usually a good thing, not to be rushed. No matter, we’re going to pull the lever and take our vertical take-off helicopter/stolen plane/mom’s stolen alien spaceship back into the air (but staying under the radar, of course). Wait, it didn’t work. Maybe because Harvey didn’t make the noises with his mouth this time.
Oh, we landed on a scaly creature that’s holding on to the bottom of the ship/plane/helicopter. And it’s a panting dog with scales. But hey, at least I shove Harvey, since that’s always useful when about to have your entire stolen alien spaceship be eaten by a massive dog lizard. And now we’re in a pit. Or a sinkhole. Or a giant, panting venus fly-trap maybe. Or a giant purple worm mouth.
So then I watch Harvey jump out of the mouth of the thing eating the entire plane (man, Harvey can jump, amiright?). And then he gets eaten by a smaller one of the purple worm/sinkhole creatures. And then I fall out of the craft. But I don’t fall down, I apparently fall around the plane or across the plane, somehow ending up on the same side of the plane as Harvey. And then… I’m unconscious? I guess I hit my head when I fell, maybe. And now I’m on fire. And now all the grass, trees, birds, and monsters are suddenly and completely on fire. I’m pretty sure a nuclear blast just happened, but at least I was unconscious, so I wasn’t affect by it, because that’s how nuclear bombs work, I think. And now the thing that ate Harvey changed their mind and he’s fine, so there’s that.
So that’s what I was thinking when I read that. Overall though, the writing itself feel solid. I didn’t see many disruptive punctuation or grammar errors, or anything like that that was really distracting. Tense and the like seemed fine, but that’s usually easier with dialogue. And it would probably help if I had read something before this to setup the scene because as you can see, I start out with no context or idea of what the heck is going on. TBF, I’m pretty easily confused as well.
Keep writing and good luck with it!
