WatchNon-threaded

Forums » Creative Corner » Read Thread

Share your short stories, poems, collaborative works, original artwork and more.

Redemption of an Angel.

one month ago
Commended by TharaApples on 10/29/2021 2:02:57 AM

So, I was unsatisfied with the ending to my "Angel" series. I got in a bad head space and threw aside my planned ending for something darker. I wasn't the biggest fan of that ending though. So here we are with my originally planned ending. Now for which one is the cannon ending? Whichever one you like most. This was the planned ending but i did release the other ending. So i feel both have a case. Personally I would go with this one but more power to you if you prefer the other. The first three or so paragraphs are the same but that is because i had them written before i changed my mind on where i wanted the ending to go but everything else is new. So once again please don't hesitate with any questions comments or concerns. 

 

“They said you’d never bother me again!” Fear clear as day in his voice, Billy screamed at once had been his father.  The man snorted dismissively, taking another moment to decide if he wanted to answer the unspoken question or not. With a non-committal shrug the man chose to answer.   

 

“Normally they would be right, but this is a very special case. For a very special boy.” With that the man took a casual step forward, bringing him ever closer to his target. “In almost any other situation, people die when they are killed. Well, I or should I say your ‘Pa’ did die.”  Another step forward. “See the thing is, when I was torturing him in hell, he made me an offer I really couldn’t refuse.” Another step from the man. Billy looked between the unconscious form of Sandra and the nearest door. Seeing this the man’s voice turned positively poisonous. “You leave her here boy, and I swear I’ll play with her the same way Ma played with you.”  

 

Billy instantly froze and stared at the man, showing he had no intention of leaving her. With a chuckle, the twisted story time continued. “See everyone down in hell tries to weasel out of punishment. Makes sense really, an eternity of pain and suffering is terrible.” As the man took a step forward, the air around him seemed to distort and twist. The brief moment was soon lost as he continued to talk. “However, with enough hatred, deals can be made. I eat his soul, take his body and conduct revenge on his behalf.” Another step forward, finally putting the demon within arm's reach of Billy. “For my payment I get to keep this body and walk among your kind. It is a win-win really.” With this the demon wrapped his hands around the slim throat of Billy.  

 

Choking and gasping, Billy felt his mind begin to race. There was no was the man would only hurt him.  Billy knew he had to do something but everything was beginning to go hazy. Obviously struggling, Billy barely managed to speak. “No, I will stop you.” The man simply smirked, choosing not to answer. The oh so familiar smirk caused Billy’s blood to boil. He had finally found happiness, but this butt nugget wanted to take that away from him. As his vision dimmed, he remembered that promise Eri had made him so long ago. How he was safe and she would watch over him. Billy ignored the fire in both his throat and on his hand as he thought about his very own guardian angel. Her serene, smile the beautiful black wings.  

 

“Get the fuck away from him!” Oh, and all those bad words. Billy could swear he almost even heard her voice. Suddenly the demon had released his neck and had jumped back. Standing there as if she had never been banished was Ereriel. Standing tall flaming sword in one hand. Billy’s voice was horse but he managed to speak up. “How are you here he said he sent you far away?”  

With a soft smile Ereriel pointed down to the glowing mark on Billys’ hand. “I told you with that no matter where we end up, if you call, I will come.” Features hardening Ereriel turned back towards the man. “Take you sister and get out of here.”  

 

As quickly as he could Billy rushed over to Sandra. He tried to move her away but his leg damaged by all the previous abuse gave out. “No, not now it was doing so good lately.” Maybe it was the stress, maybe it was a subconscious act to make himself seem like a smaller threat. Either way his leg was refusing to listen. So, Billy did the only thing he could think of. Still on his hands and knees, he began to drag Sandra across the floor. Never once did Billy look back, since in his heart he knew Eri would be fine. His slow progress was broken by a sudden cough and Sandra jolting awake. 

 

With a start Sandra felt herself coming back into the waking world. Every breath hurt like hell, but she was still alive. As she opened her mouth to speak there was a sudden loud bang from the other room. Seeing her confused look Billy began to talk. “ Ereriel is back and she is fighting the bad man.” Sandra nodded, then spoke up herself. “Well, we can’t let her have all the fun now, can we? I need you to go grab a lighter out of dads’ study and some Febreze.”  

 

Billy looked confused but nodded anyway. Sandra could see it was a mighty struggle to get to his feet, but Billy did before he rushed off.  There was another loud bang from the next room over. “Guess it’s about time I stood my ass up.” With a monumental effort that caused black dots to dance in her vision Sandra slowly stood. After what felt like eternity but was in reality no longer than forty-five seconds Billy returned. Sandra gave a small smile as she spoke. “Good job, now go hide. I have a barbeque to get started.” Ever so slowly Sandra began to make her way towards the sound of the melee. 

 

As carefully as she could she rounded the corner. What she saw caused her blood to run cold. The man had somehow gotten a hold of a sword of his own and was pinning a very obviously dazed Ereriel to the floor. Without thinking she brought up her homemade flamethrower. As loudly as she could Sandra drew the man's attention. “Hey chuckle fuck!” There was a click then a whoosh as the stream of fire danced across the demons' face. 

 

 “Ahhhhh!” The man yelled in pain. Suddenly he stopped and began to chuckle. “I’m a demon you dumb bitch, I live in fucking hell. That little toy of yours doesn’t even tickle.” By now the man was standing in front of her. With a sadistic chuckle the man grabbed Sandra. In one fluid potion he spun on his heel and walked over towards the table. With incredible force he slammed Sandra ribs first onto the top. There was a loud cracking sound that Sandra could feel hadn’t come from the table. As her vision faded, she had one final thought. ‘I win asshole’  

 

With shaky hands Billy pulled the sword that Ereriel had dropped earlier from the demons’ chest. Dropping it he first ran to Ereriel. “Get up you gotta help Sandra! Get up!” With a pained groan Ereriel stood. The first thing she noticed was the bleeding and dying demon. Summoning her sword to her hand she stumbled up to him.  

 

“Begone, bitch!” With that Ereriel swung her sword decapitating her foe. Sending her sword back to wherever it was stored, she rushed up to Sandra. She unfurled her wings and began to pray of all things. “Dear Father in heaven please, I know we ae not on good terms but please let me heal this girl.” With her prayer complete she gathered some energy in her hands and gently placed in on Sandras’ battered and broken ribs. She was pretty sure a piece of bone had lodged itself into her lung. After a tense moment it became clear that nothing was happening.  

 

In a rage Ereriel bellowed towards heaven. “Nothing? Fine then fuck you! I finally can protect someone and their family and you pull this shit? I will do it my damn self.” 

 

Any further ‘prayer’ was cut off as Billy gasped loudly.” Eri look! Your wings, they are so pretty.” Confused Ereriel looked at her wings. They were still raven black, but now the was streaks of the purest white mixed in. Not wasting another second, she began to heal Sandra. 

 

For the second time that day Sandra jolted awake this time however her ribs were feeling much better. Upon noticing the new additions to Ereriels’ wings Sandra couldn’t help herself. “What’s with the white? Grow out of your goth phase?” Strangely instead of a snarky comment of her own, Ereriel gave an earnest answer. “The white means I have finally stared on my road back to heaven.”  

 

Many decades later, Bill awoke to find himself in front of a blinding gate. “Guess I finally croaked, eh?”  Before he could do anything else he heard an all too familiar bickering. “Move, it is only right he sees his sister first.” The reply was one Bill was sure had been common for the past few years. “Shut up or I will cast you down to hell myself.”  

 

With another light chuckle Bill started walking towards the bright light. 

 

“I guess nothing ever changes huh? I probably should break that up before we all get kicked out.” 

Redemption of an Angel.

one month ago

This is quite the wall of text.

Redemption of an Angel.

one month ago

Yeah, it is. I will admit was more worried about actually finishing this rather than making it look nice. I do apologize for that, it definitely could be better.

Redemption of an Angel.

one month ago

Oh, no, it's fine. Actually it's good from what I'm reading of it. 

Just needs to be formatted better. Other mods are waaaay better than me when it comes to that, but I can try unless you would like to post it again from the top?

Redemption of an Angel.

one month ago

I would appreciate it if you could pull some black magic bullshit on it but only if your feeling up to it. 

Redemption of an Angel.

one month ago

Opening post aside, I can't say I've read the other parts besides this one and part five to their entirety, but I do like the happier ending that you went for with this entry.

I'm not very good with criticism, like going into the technical aspects of writing and whatnot. However, I've enjoyed this for what it's worth.

Redemption of an Angel.

one month ago

Thank you. I don't blame you i took forever between post and the generated approximately zero hype. But thanks for reading through this one

Redemption of an Angel.

one month ago
Not bad :)

Redemption of an Angel.

one month ago

Thank you

Redemption of an Angel.

one month ago
I can see improvements!

I'm quite bad at pointing out specific details and writing, so you can just have a 'good job' from me :)

Redemption of an Angel.

one month ago

From Thara's comment I'll assume you had no paragraph breaks earlier?
They were there when I read it, so I won't bother pestering you about it (yet).




I like this ending. High stakes (even higher knowing what the failure would be!), and everyone got to contribute to defeating the demon.


Speaking of which, the demon stays intimidating, and is clearly strong. Considering he only got introduced late, he is handled very well. Built up to be what he needs to be, and as the final 'confrontation', he is never undermined, which would weaken the resolution.


It also isn't an easy victory, and it leads into Ereriel's final character development (her path back to heaven & not being snarky back at Sandra).



The time skip at the end also helps make the ending extra final. Such a big time skip could feel tacked on, but I think it was done well here.


The last scene with the comment on 'how nothing really changes' is also neat, and it is good to hear Ereriel at the end. Gives the ending enough time to be processed for what it is, without feeling like it ended too suddenly (which I think is a common pitfall).


Changing Billy to Bill when he's older is also a small thing, but I think it does help differentiate pre & post time skip.


(Also, something did change Billy! You & your friends won, but that's a meta observation).


Overall very good.



I wasn't exactly scouring it for technical issues, but my read through didn't really have anything stand out to the degree that I still remember it, so I guess the main thing to improve for next time is making the paragraph breaks yourself.


They do make the writing 'look nicer', but more importantly they aid readability. By breaking up text when the speaker changes it is easier to keep track of who is speaking, and by breaking up 'ideas', it also makes following the narrative easier. You can also do stylistic things with it, but I'd advise not overthinking line breaks.



Good work finishing two endings! They're a common pain point in writing (from what I understand), so having two finished that are sufficiently different makes for good practice! It's also neat to see the originally planned ending given life.

Redemption of an Angel.

one month ago

Thanks for the feedback. On the demon Im glad it worked out in all honesty i thought the whole plot point was iffy. Back when i started writing the second part and turning it into a series the original villain was going to be Billy's guardian angel. I was gonna have him too busy focusing on someone else hence Billys' pain. I scraped that cause it didnt seem to fit too well. Also glad the time skip worked i thought i did it well, but as you said it could've felt really tacked on.

Yeah i get the paragraph part. It was pretty sketch.  

Redemption of an Angel.

28 days ago

It's been a while since I read the original, so I may be remembering it through rose-tinted glasses, but I did prefer it to this version. This one is a bit mushy and relies too heavily on cliches for my liking. It could also have used a second proofread since there were enough grammatical mistakes to be distracting.