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Story Idea: Injection.

10 years ago

Here's a story I'm starting to write, hope you guys enjoy it, and please give feedback!
 

 

"Urgh..." you mumble. The sound of the heart radar next to your hospital bed is beeping extraordinarily loud. "Where am..." the sound of your voice is cut off by the nurse. "Be quiet! Your pain shall only get worse if you chat. Keep quiet!" You have no choice but to obey the nurse's commands. If only you had your left hand back, it would be easy to punch that wanker in the face! Somehow, the nurse seems to be some sort of mind-reading gypsy. "That's it!" The nurse says, before picking up a knife and about to jab it into your lower intestines. You dodge the knife before quickly reacting and by using your right arm, and thrusting up all your weight. You finally manage to release your body from the bed. Everything is fuzzy. It feels like you need to visit the optician, but you don't. You look at the digital clock beside you and mumble. As you climb slowly out of your bed, the sound of mumbling patients and babies crying is like 20,000 decibels of hell.

Story Idea: Injection.

10 years ago

Seems like a promising opening so far.

Is it going to be a modern setting with some breaks in reality, or scifi or are there some supernatural elements going on?

Story Idea: Injection.

10 years ago

It's set in around 2077, so pretty sci-fi, with a modern twist

Story Idea: Injection.

10 years ago

It feels awkward tbh.

To start with the way the nurse speaks feels odd (unless she's not supposed to be a native speaker of English). The situation itself doesn't seem consistent. You're forced to obey the nurse's command because you can't punch her, but then somehow can dodge a knife from point blank range while on a hospital bed and punch her anyway? You should add more description of the situation.

IMO you also use too many similes.

Story Idea: Injection.

10 years ago

Okay, thank you.

You don't dodge the knife per say, you sort of duck to avoid it. You do ability of the rest of your body though.