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So basically I've never written any story-based games before, but I've played a lot of them.  This is my first time and I'd like some ideas and maybe someone to help write it.  This is my description I have right now for the game.

 

Your name is Ren and you are are an orphan living in the small village of Osmos located at the very edge of The Empire. You are the only orphan in the village and because of that you are either looked down upon or beaten every day. This all changes on your 16 birthday, which is the day you pick your career. Everything that happens after that is up to you. (and a little before too) :D  Good Luck!

 

What do you think?  When you enter the game it gives another description sort-of, but it is cutoff by James the mayor's son.  James is the bully of the story (for now at least) and that's when I have things start branching out into different directions.  Any help would be appreciative!

This is your first game, so uh... try not to do anything complex with the whole 'you pick your career'.

Maybe James, despite being the bully of the story, isn't the main antagonist? As in, he might be the main antagonist at first, but maybe the Mayor is actually involved in illegal activies and is neglectful to James, and there's a path where you can convince James to help you expose the Mayor as a criminal.

Just my five cents.

I was sort-of thinking along those lines, but I never actually thought of making the mayor the bad guy! XD  Thanks for the advice and I really like the idea!

I'm a little iffy on the 'poor orphan, beaten every day' because it's kind of a cliche and going for those easy sympathy points, but other than that this seems like a decent enough idea. My advice would be to map the branches out in detail before you start doing any serious writing though, if you're new to CYOAs you may find they start to spread and sprawl and get out of control very quickly if you just jump right in without a plan.

I know it isn't very original, I thought that to myself while I was writing it.  "Dude, there are too many orphan stories already out in the world! PICK SOMETHING ELSE!"  But I turns out I was too lazy to think of anything else. xP  Thanks for the advice and I'll be sure to keep thank in mind while I write it, thanks!

Please:

1. Proofread.

2. Don't make it extremely extremely short (like 2 sentences long).

3. Use details.

That's all I've gotta say. Good luck with your storygame.

Thanks will do!  Short, nice, simple, straight to the point.  I like it!  Thanks again!

A few tips: here, here, and especially here. Your story needs a beginning, a middle, and an end. That sounds silly, but without it you don't really have a story.

Thanks, the basics can be better than huge amazingly difficult details.  Thanks for giving me the links to the articles, they really helped me a lot!  I'll make sure to think about that when I'm writing, Thanks again!

Not to parrot what Mizal said, but the whole "orphan" thing is insanely overdone. Unless protagonist's parents getting killed or protagonist finding them is important to the story, I'd question leaving it in there. It seems like you're creating a huge sad backstory just so we sympathize with them, but it's not necessary at this point, annoying even.

That. Is. A. Great. IDEA!!!  I wasn't even thinking anywhere near that!  I know the orphan is overdone to an extreme level, but I'm not going to change it.  I have started to form a plan around the orphan idea and I don't think anyone has done this.  It's like one of those "it's so crazy it might just work" type of plans.  Thanks for all the advice and I'll be sure to tweak it a bit so it's not so bad.

 

P.S. It's not parroting if you're adding something to the idea :D

I dunno. I feel like I'd rather read about a poor/beggar kid who has parents. The family/character dynamics of homeless/wandering characters is a place I feel is underexplored. I really liked it in that one story about the kid with one hand whose biological dad was a con man that adopted him and they went off on an adventure and he got trapped in a rat trap factory... You know, that one book.

That's the beauty of these types of games, there are multiple possibilities the game might have.  You could do all sorts of things all in the same game, it's amazing!  I've played a few games that have done what you are suggesting and most were really good!  I'll be sure to thinking about that when I'm making different possible futures in the game.  Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it!

Thank you everyone for your input, I really appreciate it!  I've got a few ideas cooking thanks to all of you!  Again thanks for your advice and I hope I can make a great story because of it!  GRACIAS!

I don't know if this made it sound like I don't want you to continue giving advice because I do.  I want all the advice all the criticism (constructive criticism that is) I want all of it!  Please continue with all with it!  I want this to become the best story possible! :D

You sound very excited about this! That's good!

How many career paths are you planning!?

I'm thinking of 3 main ones that might kind of branch out, all of them involve him leaving town.  I might have him come back to the town in one of the branches because of a mission or something.  That's my plan so far, any other ideas?